(I posted this post last night, and then deleted it because it seemed awefully whiney... but really, it's how I felt. So, after talking to a way-cool friend, I put it back up. Here it is!)
No, for once this is not an "Owwie Story"... that is the sound of me losing my balance. Not in a physical way (hence the lack of owwies!), but on the inside.
I don't know when it started exactly... I thought I was doing really well! I was being a good friend for once, being a good almost-wife to James, and so on... but really, I was just trying to prove to... I'm not sure who. But I was trying to prove to someone, most likely myself, that I WAS okay. But really, I wasn't. Financially, I've hit rock bottom after the bank screwed me over, and am still recovering. Physically I've deprived my body of sleep and good nutrition until I finally got sick this Wednesday... and I'm still sick. And emotionally... crap.
I'm not sure how I got in this position, but I seem to be stuck in a whirlwind of proving myself. To everyone. Even people who suck! I have cleaned childrens vomit to prove my devotion to "my kids." I have scrubbed the house of a friend to prove that I am not a sucky friend. I've spent time with James when I really wanted to collapse in bed with a good book, to prove I'm not a sucky soon-to-be-wife. And to top it all off? My glitter crayons SUCKED!!!! The glitter wouldn't come off as my ADHD child colored, and the crayon on the paper peeled if you pressed hard... *sigh* So I couldn't prove that I'm an awesome artsy person, because the crayons sucked, and my attempt to collage a coloring page didn't work out, and.. I haven't blogged every day, and....
And it's officially the holiday season, the first one without my Dad, and I haven't dealt with that AT ALL. I'm still trying to stick my head in the sand and pretend Christmas doesn't exist, even as I make Christmas ornaments. Yeah. I pride myself on my logic.
So, that's my official emotional state.
But in happier news... Hardees has a "new" milkshake, Oreo! It's not really new though, it's just their Cookies & Cream shake, marketed under a new name... but still insanely yummy. I highly recommend it!
4 comments:
I get so upset when I finally buy something and the darn thing doesn't work, it is super frustrating and I internalize it and think it means I suck a lot of the time. You are not alone Jana! But remember, when you get a second to breathe, that it's the fault of the crappy tool and not our ability. Ansel Adams has a hugely expensive fantabulous camera that he uses to take those landscape photographs, it's one of the reasons he is so famous.
You are creative, you are talented and you deserve to have stuff that works. I also hope that you're feeling better soon and that your finances improve quickly!
YOU ARE A VERY ARTSY PERSON...don't sell yourself short...the crayons do suck and it is NOT your fault...
I have bought many a product that looked like I would have a blast with and be creative with and had a dozen different ideas using it...and it turned out to be dud....that does not mean anything about my creative ability...so just let it go and breathe and rethink - I know those creative juices will flow with another idea...
AS for pleasing other people - STOP...you need time for you girlfriend...you need to be able to take care of life for you...and if your friends are still there supporting you and James still wants to marry you then you know you are surrounded by VIPS but you have to give and do for yourself first because if you don't - you will burn out faster and not be there when YOU WANT for your friends and hunnie!!! (did I make sense)
take care of you---Ellie
Oh sweetie
Im so pleased the talk helped
Luv ya Jana
Im praying for you my dear precious friend
Question. Are you still seeing the counselor you mentioned awhile back and have you and James started yours? Both would be incredibly helpful right now. You can't be everything to everyone. Ok, well you can try but I think your body let you know what happens when you try that too much. I'll be praying for you!
Post a Comment