Beads in My Hand
Darkness
My soul slowly dying
Brown like the leaves
Cold like the the wind
Chills in my depth
Light
Bright-colored beads
A circus of colors
Cheerful, vibrant
Warm
Alive
I have a history of seasonal depression. From being kept inside as a sickly kid in the fall and winter, to some pretty traumatic events as an adult, fall leaves and shivery temperatures bring me down, This year I feel like I'm struggling more even than usual. Nothing major - the health problems I've been dealing with (and still have no real diagnosis for) have gotten better since I stopped eating gluten. I'm feeling less nausea and slowly (VERY slowly) I feel my energy raising... but I'm down. Down more than my friends or even my husband knows. (Not because I have hidden anything - maybe because I thought it would pass, or not realized how down I am.) Down because a mistake I made this year in my family has torn it apart, and the holidays mean I can't avoid or ignore the situation. Down because sometimes work feels freaking hopeless, dealing with situations where all the kings horses and all the kings men just can't fix the damage done to a child or put a family back together. Down because I have missed church for longer than I care to admit, and while I long to get close to God again, I have absolutely no desire to spend time with his people.
Just... down. So this year, more than ever, I'm really glad for AEDM. I'm glad for a whole month of beautiful, happy, bright color in my life - for the vibrant displays of joy and pain and just LIFE that AEDM brings to us.
(And just as a disclaimer - I'm not depressed enough to pose a danger to myself or others. If I am ever that depressed, I will tell people in my real life. I have very little shame, it will be plastered over my Facebook wall if I get to that point.)
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