Do you ever wonder how one day I can go from the deepest intensity on my blog, chatting about abuse and trauma, and the next day be chatting about puppies and movies and jokes? I feel like I should explain... part of me says I don't need to, but if you're going to know me, this is important.
My emotions have an off switch.
Actually, it's more like a fuse. If things happen that exceed a certain level of stressfulness, my "emergency self-protection system" kicks on. All emotions are bottled up, the emotion factory is halted, and all orders for emotions are saved for a later date or just filed in the recycle bin.
I'm not sure WHY this is... probably a reaction from the days of abuse, when the stress was more than I could take. But now I'm not abused, so I wish I could undo it... or at least learn to turn the emotion factory back on. In the end though, I think it's a good thing. It helps me stay balanced... to save the emotions for calm days when I can deal with them without others adding to the pile to sort through.
So that's what's going on with me today. I really want to share with you how being at the hospital with my dad FELT, but since I can't feel anything at the moment, it seemed empty when I tried to write. The only way I seem to be able to express what I feel is by crocheting... currently I'm working on a blankie that will go to a domestic abuse shelter to be a security blankie for a child who went through things probably much worse than what I did. A part of me, maybe my inner child, knows that by making something to help that child heal, a part of me might heal in the process. My inner child still wants to bury herself in the folds of a blankie and clutch it tightly. Maybe one day I'll make a security blanket for my inner child.
7 comments:
You seem very self-aware Jana and that will carry you far. Sorry to read about your Dad.
I think it would be a wonderful idea to make a blankie for your inner child. I have one, that I snuggle under when she needs nurturing. I also think you are a wonderful person for making the blankie for the shelter. that is a lovely, sweet, gorgeous thing to do and that, in itself will be healing for you.
you know, we only 'met' a week ago but I am so glad we did xo
i understand about that emotional fuse blowing. i know i also tend to shut down from time to time. but i think i continue to experience and to process, just on a different level. so maybe we are just caring for ourselves when that switch flips. i hope you can take that further, and snuggle under whatever blanket you enjoy, and maybe sip some hot tea while creating your generous gift for the shelter child. be generous with yourself, too--and very tender, and as patient as you can manage, just like you'd be with a child in distress. you fully deserve that.
i so totally understand, really truly and i think it is wonderful that you are making a security blanket, it sounds like you have found good ways to cope and that is lovely ...
hugs
Im pleased you can crochet. I pray that the blankie will go to a little child that will find it a comfort.
I pray that your inner child will find some comfort, healing and peace in it too
Big Hugs my sister in the Lord
My inner child spent a lot of years in a tree house with "stay out" posted out front (I know this because I discovered her there one day when I was trying to draw again after years and years and years). Jana - you are a magnificent woman. Thank you for the courage to keep on keeping on sharing your life.
My inner child spent a lot of years in a tree house with "stay out" posted out front (I know this because I discovered her there one day when I was trying to draw again after years and years and years). Jana - you are a magnificent woman. Thank you for the courage to keep on keeping on sharing your life.
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