Today I was blessed by my job to be given another day off of work. Yesterday was spent making funeral plans, cleaning out Dad's apartment, meeting all of his neighbors, and hauling box after box of stuff out to my car. I really needed the rest today.
I wanted to blog about how I feel about my father's death... but I feel like I'm burying a stranger. Through the past few days, a picture of my father emerged that I never knew about. I met his neighbors and heard them talk about his laughter and joking.... THAT is the Dad I knew. But I also heard about him hitting his 3rd wife, (he usually only hit us with words), keeping a girlfriend because of her sexual abilities, and marrying his fourth wife while dating someone else.
Duality. Melba blogged about the Duality of Life... at the moment, I'm noticing the duality of life here too. I love my Dad with an intensity that borders on mental illness. But at various times, I've hated him, and been sickened by him. He's taught me SO MUCH, but inflicted damage on all the women in his life (including me) that may never be corrected. He broke every promise he ever made to me, but I still lived with hope that maybe the last promise wouldn't be broken. (So far, I'm pretty sure it was.)
Dad was a good actor, who knew all the right roles to play to please every person. But underneath all of the acting... who was he? The only time I think I really met the real person, was the night before his heart surgery. After his wife went to bed, he & I stayed up in the living room just talking. The lights were out, and we chatted... it was perfect. I wish we could have had more days like that, but mental illness (his, not mine lol) puts a lot of strain on relationships.
My uncle last night talked about how unfair it was that I was my dad's child... how much better HE would have treated me (he can't have kids), how differently I would have turned out... it makes you wonder why a man who had NO business having children (and knew it... I was an accident!) ended up with a child he couldn't handle, while another man wasn't allowed any children.
I'm glad though, that my Dad was my dad. I am who I am, because of that. My dad tried to treat me right, to protect me (WAY overprotective) and teach me what was right. I owe who I am to my dad, and I'm happy (mostly) with who I am. And now that I'm an adult, I have the power to change the things I'm unhappy with.
In spite of the pain, life is good.
10 comments:
Wow, I admire you! I'm not to that point with my Mom. But deep down I know that she really did try. And I know it's not her fault that she was the way she was, she got it from her Dad and I can't blame her, but it's still a battle for me!
Pray for me! :)
Prayin' God's comfort over you at this time of loss!
(((HUGS)))
Jana - you sound so good. You have worked through so much - it is apparent. Good for you! Glad you got another day oof work to take care of "stuff."
Jana,
I know what you mean with all you have said. My dad is the exact same way now. There are times I wonder who the "real" dad is. I think I probably will never know that. I, too, love him very much, and still, on occasion, hope that one time he will be the way he should be with me. He hurt me in very deep ways with his words and his abuse of my sister. But at the same time, I would not be the musician I am today without him. He taught me so much about music and for that I am grateful. The more I learn about you, the more I see SO much similarities to our pasts and current issues.
I will be praying for you this weekend. I wish I could be there.
Bless your boss. Hope you do get a rest today sounds like you were really busy yesterday.
"I wanted to blog about how I feel about my father's death" good I hope it helps you my friend
I think its a shame when men are a Mr Jerkel and Hyde (SP?). Maybe if they owned up to their insecurity they could get the help they really need. Im pleased you had that chat to him the night before his heart surgery.
I have struggled with that question before. Why a man who shouldnt be anywhere children has them while others cant be fathers at all. All we can do is pray that they get the help they need.
Im pleased you are who you are Jana. Youre a very brave strong caring person whom I feel blessed to know. Luv ya my sister in Christ
BIG HUGS you are in my prayers
Jana you are very strong person and through all the obstacles in your life you have remained who you are.
We can't change the people around us, but God can and He did a wonderful miracle for you and daddy before he passed on.
sounds good, jana. sounds very good. xo
"I have the power to change the things I'm unhappy with." You are one wise little cookie. Big hugs.
I'm so glad you got an extra day off. So much to handle physically, emotionally, mentally - all in such a short period of time.
I think everyone has many sides to them, that not everyone sees - and since becoming a parent (and now a grandma), I think that's especially true of parent/child relationships. And I think my grandchildren will have yet another perspective on who I am. I second Marilyn, here, though, you have gathered a lot of wisdom in such a young life.
(((HUGS)))
Just running through to say I'm thinking of you and sending you warm wishes for serenity.
Jana when my dad died 10 years ago I wondered who he really was beneath his roles too. I only felt truly close to him in the transparency of near death. Sorry to hear of your loss. May heart is with you.
Shelley
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