This week I was inspired by Jen, who said she was inspired by my honesty. I don't feel very honest though, sometimes... so I was humbled. Jen told us this week about a problem she's really struggled with... something she was ashamed of, and hid... She was SO brave, and I'm so beyond proud of her... and humbled, that she was inspired by me. But really... I'm inspired by her.
So now I'm going to be a little more honest too.
I'm Jana, I'm 27 years old, and I absolutely cannot keep my living space clean. It's not just a little messy... It's overwhelming chaos. I never know where anything is, I never have empty spaces in which to "play" with art or puzzles, and I feel like my life is out of control.
Or, at least, that's what I would have said a month ago. Kim and I are working on getting our lives together... she has NO idea how much this means to me, how much I need someone to know how I am and believe that there is hope for me.
This has always been a major stress in my life... as a child, our house was never clean enough for my dad. No one was ever invited over except close friends and family... our house was "our secret". My dad was always paranoid about it... "people in town are talking about us, you know... I heard them talking about how messy a housekeeper you are... " Which seems funny, in retrospect, because no one from town EVER came over. They couldn't know how clean/not-clean the house was.
I'm finding this bizarre in retrospect too... how on earth does no one EVER come in your house? When my friend Trish's mom took me home from her house, how did she know not to come with me inside? When the Sunday school teacher took me home from things, how did she know not to knock and chat with my mom? Very wierd. My friends always come IN my house when we go home from somewhere. But really, my mom didn't have friends... guilt, shame, etc seperated her from the world pretty much. And abuse... but we won't go there, today.
I hate feeling ashamed... I hate feeling like secrets have chains around my life. I'm trying to confront each secret, one at a time, until I can walk down the street with my head up high... nothing to hide from.
8 comments:
That is a little odd. I know around here, people don't come over because I don't ask them to. But when someone comes to the door, I always have to apologize for the mess. And feel embarrassed. So I know what you mean.
my mom used to say that there is a difference between a messy lived in home and a dirty home. she's right. she also used to say that people come over to see us not our house. again, so right. that woman is so wise :) i like a little mess, a lived in feel is comfy ~ i also like to declutter because too much mess drives me crazy and clean is important to me but little messes of projects are fun to come home to ... lol
this comment was kind of a sloppy, all over the place mess but i kept it clean, lol ...
There is nothing to be ashamed of, many, many people keep "messy" homes.
I have a hard time keeping my home clean, but I manage. However, hubby is a totally different matter! Ugh! He is a hoarder! His parents are just as bad and I know the frustration.
Don't try and tackle everything at once, it will exhaust and frustrate you where you will want to throw your hands up! No, take it one room at a time, one chore at a time.
Good for you! Not about housekeeping (I could care less about that) but about being brave enough to share something that you feel shame about. THAT is a very hard thing to do.
Thanks for sharing with us. My mom never kept the house very clean, although it wasn't a disaster area. She too, never invited others over and people very rarely came inside. I think deep down those people had some idea something wasn't right behind those doors.
I, however, am the complete opposite of my mom. I can't STAND a messy, disorganized house. Everything has a place, a container, with a label on it (love my label maker!) I pick up every night after the kids go to bed so things are neat and orderly in the morning. My sister is the same way except even more so. Maybe part of the reason we do that is we had so little growing up that we want to take care of the nice things we have now. Who knows?
Start walking down the street with your head held high! You have nothing to be ashamed of. The things your parents did/didn't do aren't you. You are you and you are awesome!
My dear friend you brought a tear to my eye
I have been in your position several times over the years. I once remember my sister coming all the way from where she lived (about 2 hours away) to help me clean up my house. My sister had 4 or 5 children at that time.
Kim sounds like my sister standing by you and helping you. I am so pleased she is in your life.
I still to some extend feel like this - “No one was ever invited over except close friends and family... our house was "our secret"”. I remember my mother hounding me about having to keep a clean house. I was a Martha. I got paranoid when I knew she was coming over. Then one day I decided people didn’t come and see me because of my house. They came to see me. While this was hard when I was still living in Auckland its gotten easier living here in the Bay. I have a toddler people have to except my house as it is. Also it has helped seeing other peoples houses. Some are as bad as mine. I have also come to the conclusion that the only people that could have a house like Mums was/is are people who are older, don’t have children at home any more and probably have a lot of outside interests. Like your dad Mum worried about what other people thought. This is a paralysing way to live.
You still inspire me Jana with your honestly. I pray that you can face and overcome each secret. Hey, one day maybe we can walk down that street together with our heads held high my friend. BIG HUGS I love you my special friend
my dear friend, It's a great thing when you can feel brave enough to talk about your troubles.I'm sorry your going through this, but, this to shall pass, like everything else.Remember, you have Kim and me to talk to, along with all the other blog faithfulls.I will talk to you soon, love, Alison. AKA Southern girl, lol
Some of my friends were scared to come over to my house because it was so overly TIDY that they were afraid to step on anything or eat or just play like normal kids. I'm proud of the way Mom kept house, but people can be intimidated by all kinds of things. I'm so sad that people were unwelcome in either of your homes. /sniffle *hugs*
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