Today would have been my dad's 57th birthday. During the course of this day, I missed church (running late, button popped off skirt, etc...), got to the restaurant where I wanted to eat a few minutes after they closed, wore kim out (and maybe jeapordized our friendship) by taking her and Jakey hiking, found 5 tics on me when we got home...
Growing up, hiking was second-nature to us... we did it all the time. We didn't often use fancy sprays to keep the bugs off, we took little ones with us (3 3-year old cousins once!) and NEVER got ticks... and today, with Jakey, I came home covered in them.
The phrase "It's all my fault" has echoed in my head for longer than I can possibly remember, and today it's in overdrive. How could I take Jakey hiking on a whim? (This is actually really stupid... he LOVED hiking, wants to go back, had fun looking at pretty rocks, etc. He was SO good!)
And I miss my Dad. I miss him SOOOOO badly! It's so unfair... more than ANYTHING else, it hurts that he was just a few months away from being able to use his prosthetic leg just like a regular one. By this time next year, we could have gone hunting for mushrooms together, hiked together, fished together... and instead, he's gone. This is not at ALL the way it was supposed to be. He was so close to being okay again... I had so many plans for the future... for our relationship being healed, for us being together...
It feels good though... to allow myself the "luxury" of being sad today... to put everyone else on hold for once, and deal with what's going on inside of me. I've kept myself so busy since Dad died... I haven't really allowed myself to grieve. So today was a good day, overall. I took Kim & Jakey out to where I grew up. I dug up some flowers from my old house, to plant in my new one. We visited the cemetery where my family is buried, and put flowers out. I took 2 1/2 rolls of film! I stoped the car a few times just to take pics of things on the side of the road. I saw the homes of the people we knew growing up... the school my dad went to as a child... I threw rocks with Jakey into the creek I threw rocks into as a child... and Kim took her first driving lesson!
As I allow myself to grieve for "what will never be", my heart has more room for new dreams, new hopes, and a world of new possibilities.
13 comments:
I hope Kim is still your friend. Shes been good to you
Please stop beating yourself up my dear dear friend
Honey you need to grieve. You need to take one day at a time.
BIG MASSIVE HUGS
hey if the tics are not attached for too long (many hours...I seem to recall a day)then there's no problem(not enough time to transmit disease, assuming it's even there).
.I imagine you checked head to toe including hair/neck..
these were very tiny..like seeds? you wouldn't have come across a family of dog ticks(larger)?
Well, I bet you know about this in your part of country....
With the risk of mentioning more of what you already know.. if you see an expanding target-like rash with clearing in the middle or even a new pink bump (the beginning of rash or just a pimple :) not seen in all cases, but if seen.....should call or see dr.
sometimes if someone is just worried or not sure about some new symptom or sign....dr. visit might be reassuring. Just a thought...
One time my daughter got covered with mosquito bites..I had forgotten to use the spray on her...I felt terrible that she was all itchy(they seemed to target just her--we were all outside at the beginning of the season...just not used to doing these things at the start of the season..) But I also thought about the diseases they can have(thought--didn't I just hear about someone in the news.)
.with time, she was less itchy and all was forgotten, and no West Nile.(relative risk probably ranked way low, but didn't matter)
I think this(tick exposure), along with the one sunburn, an accidental slip and bump/fall, mosquito banquet and on and on...can pretty much happen to anybody...unintentional, but feels like..."I must be the only one stupid enough...etc..."...been there. well, I say, its not true...the part about being the only one and the other part too!
..hey, it actually can make you safer in the long run..because you are much more likely to think of spray,long pants etc for hikes as well as checking the body and under socks, etc after hike(gee, there is so much for us human beings to remember..wash hands, wear seat belt, and 50 million other things...sometimes people forget even the everyday precautions). : )
....what of all the people who go on hike and aren't lucky enough to have 5 ticks hitch a ride...they'll be out again and probably forget the spray again....
Sounds like a very full day, with lots of emotion all around. ...hope it ALL works out.
ticks ~shudder~
There will always be little things that go wrong along the way, but what seems important in the end is that you were brave enough to attempt the journey - not to mention all the good that DID come out of the day!
((HUGS))
my dad died over 12 years ago and there are still days when I miss him terribly - it is good that you are allowing yourself to be sad - that is part of the grieving process - xoxoo
((((HUG))) i hope your friendship is ok?
and how cute are you in that pic!!!!
(((HUGS)))
Gosh sorry about those icky ticks, yeck! I sometimes over do it with the bug sprays, because I hate mosquitos, ticks, and any type of blood sucking insect!
You need to grieve it is very good for you. I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this, it will get better.
**hugs**
Plus, I'm sure you can blame the ticks on global warming, or something. :-)
((HUGS)) from me to you.
And enjoy Heroes tonight!
big warm hugs ...
Heroes - did you see it?! I LOVE that show!
I keep waiting to see you on it.
=]
Hang in there, Hero. I lost my Mom at 29. It's been 30 years and I still miss her, but I also remember her, and that's good.
many hugs to you.
I am SO glad you have come to the realization that you have kept yourself so busy that you haven't taken the time to grieve. That is a very important revelation and it's great that you can acknowledge it. It is good to stop and grieve.
(((hugs)))
Just catching up on your posts (work's been so busy and I fell way behind)...I'm glad you're giving yourself a chance to grieve. It must have been hard to run into your Dad's doctor (in your later post). Hugs to you, sweetie.
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