Ups, Downs, All-Arounds

In the interest of "full disclosure" and keeping the commitment I made yesterday on my blog, let me tell you about my day today:

The Downs:

Picked up Kim and M for church, but all of us were running late... and I don't mean our normal 15 minutes late... We would have arrived an hour late, so we stayed home and looked up some Super Mario World walkthroughs on my computer, and headed back to Kim's house to try the walkthroughs out. I was annoyed by that, but it was my own fault, which annoyed me even more.

In the car on the way back from taking M home, a song came on the radio... a cute country song called "I've been watchin you," about a little boy watching his dad and doing things just like his dad. I broke down... in the car... with James & Kim and Jakey. I don't know if Kim noticed, but James did... but he didn't hold me, which is what I needed at the time. Sometimes I'm not strong enough to ask. *sigh*

I had the roughest bout of depression yet, today. Grief is so isolating... most of my friends have never experienced this type of grief, and have no idea that I'm hurting. And when I try to tell them... they don't understand how serious it is. When I say "I have been really depressed this week" they seem to think "Oh, life stunk and I was sad a few days"... not "I feel on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I don't know how much more I can take."

The Ups:

I got to see my mom today! She gave me my birthday hug (I almost cried then... only stopped because James & Kim were with me) and a very cute little decoration for my yard.

James took M, Kim, Jakey & I out for lunch. We ate at Applebees, which was nice!

I DID get to to to church tonight, which was awesome. My pastor really said some stuff to make me think today. Things about knowing yourself, and your purpose... how when we find what we were made for, and do it, that will change the world. He also talked about having inner peace for a while, which made me say "whoa..."

Jakey gave me "lovins" several times today! The kid absolutely CRACKS ME UP!!! He's gonna break hearts one of these days!

The "All-Arounds"

I didn't let the depression take me down today. I fought through it, got myself together, and battled my way to church. I still talked to people, and enjoyed my time there. I'm taking each day, each moment, at a time... and now I have one more day under my belt. (Except I hate belts... so maybe it's under my waistband? lol) My bedroom is getting cleaner daily, the yard is getting under control slowly but surely, and I found a TON of Gladiola bulbs for pretty cheap Friday. I can't wait to plant them! Maybe tomorrow?

Either way... my life is slowly but surely flowing a bit more smoothly. I'm excited about my future, and although I know there may be battles ahead of me... I'm not alone. God, my bloggin budds, my James,...

And I believe I've discovered "who I am"... and my purpose... but I'll post more about that later! :o)

Oh, and on a totally unrelated note... I dreamed that I was in school, and naked, and had to sneak outside to get home to my clothes. (Oh, and it seems to be recurring... I'm sure I've dreamed that before!) The principal caught me, but thought I was someone else... which was made even funnier by the fact that the person she THOUGHT I was, was an African-American male! Hahaha it was beyond bizarre. Anyone wanna try and analyze THAT dream?????????