Chapters & A Verse

So much is changing right now in my life... dealing with my father's death, the purchase of my house, the roomate moving out, a new one (possibly?) moving in, and now an upcoming marriage...

I've been thinking about the chapters in a life. When my father passed away, all I heard was the finality of a page being turned... the ending of a time... the deep loss I felt. But when he passed, a new chapter opened in my life. In the months since he died, a lot of healing has taken place. My faith in love is no longer defined by my father's continuing "escapades". I've learned to reach out for help, and accept it when it comes to me.

Right now, I'm standing at the end of a chapter of my life. The roomate is moving out in a day and a half... this chapter is filled with goodbyes, packing, rushing, scurrying, and a million preparations. Wednesday a new chapter will begin... a blank page, waiting to be filled... most likely with sewing (we're making the wedding/bridesmade/flower girl dresses!), shopping, planning, inviting, and a million other pre-wedding dramas... renovations in the house.... and a new roomate, who I'm praying will use the time at my house as a stepping-stone towards a new & better life for herself and her child. And I'm praying that I'll use the time she's there to learn from her, to work together, and try and get some things figured out for myself... like housekeeping, and cooking for two (and a half... lol Jakey doesn't eat much), and other things for later.

Right now the next chapters look pretty daunting... will I be able to handle living alone until the new roomie comes? Will James and I know enough to renovate the house? What if I can't get the wedding stuff done in time? What if we don't have the money we need for the wedding? What if? What if? What if?

But at the same time, I'm excited... so many possibilities!! I have a blank page in front of me, just waiting for me to fill!!!!

A few chapters are still unfinished though... so let me share with you a verse (okay, a poem, but ya gotta admit that "verse" sounds way-cooler when combined with "chapter") that I wrote a while back...

How Can I Teach Her?

A girl of twelve looks up at me
With eyes pleading for help

I long to be her hero
Teach her everything she needs to know
Hold her in my arms
Give her some hope

I long to give her the answers
To the questions in her eyes
Wipe away all her tears
Fix the broken parts of her life

Looking inside myself
I have nothing to offer
How can I teach her
What I don’t know?

I long to give her a mirror
Showing her a head of curls
Tell her of the beauty
She can achieve

But my hands are clumsy
The rollers tangle in her hair
The curls won’t stay in
She feels so plain

I long to tell her
How to stand up for herself
Unchanging when others pressure
Confident of who she is

But I still crumble
Under the weight of the slightest criticism
Wanting desperately
To be affirmed too

I long to help her love her body
To eat foods that are good
Avoid foods that are bad
Consistently exercise

But I run into the arms of comfort food
Time and time again
Instead of working out my feelings
On a treadmill or a tennis court

I long to show her how to keep her space
Neat, tidy, decorated well
Where friends will feel comfortable
She will feel proud

But my own house is a wreck
Consequences of daily neglect
We cry together
So overwhelmed

I feel so helpless
So alone
unequipped for this task
No answers to give her

So I simply hold her close
This little girl
How can I teach her
What I do not know?