Today has been a very intense day...
Stuff has been going on in the back of my mind in the past few months that I hadn't shared... I couldn't find the words to express it, to make you understand WHY I felt like I did... so I kept it all inside. I didn't tell anyone at all...
I'd developed some serious issues against Christians as a whole. I felt like I couldn't measure up to their expectations, like I didn't fit in, and just avoided them as a whole. I'd formed walls around myself, so no one could criticize me, or judge me... but in order to grow, walls have to be removed. And I felt within myself that this HAD to go, in order for me to move on.
So I sit here at my desk today, after having had intense bonding with a Christian co-worker, amazed at how this all works. Wondering if this will be the catalyst that helps me to allow myself to be healed...
It feels so vulnerable, to be opening myself up to someone I'm not "rescueing"... challenging, as I see strength in her life (just like i see strength in all of your lives) that I need to cultivate in my own. I need to allow people to connect with the spiritual part of me again... I've put the "spiritual Jana" in a little box, far away from anyone who could hurt her... but also far away from anyone who could heal her.
I'm overwhelmed with all of this... with the potential of this situation... fears are trying to move in, telling me I'll eventually screw this up... but I'm embracing the situation as it is, for as long as it is here.
I'm opening up my heart, and sharing it's contents... and wondering why on earth I ever kept it silent before.
Why did I keep this all in for so long?
6 comments:
You are so brave.
See me? I'm admiring you. :-)
*hug*
Me, too, Jana. You are one courageous lady.
I love you Jana for who you are
You are special
and I fear the evil one is getting at you
tell him to go away
you are loved by many
BIG HUGS
Aw. Jana, I'm sorry your feeling this way. Your so brave and strong, and kind.And I am proud of you! I will pray for you! I've prayed 2 days in a row. yay me!
you say you've kept spiritual Jana in a box...don't keep your spirituality in a box either. Let it expand where it wants to go, which may be amazing new places. And don't let anyone else define those places for you.
You didn't wait so long...you just waited until the right time. You weren't ready before. If you eat an apple before it's ripe, you get a tummy ache. If you wait until just the right time, it's delicious!
Stop beating yourself up.
My dear sweet Jana . . . . I've been right where you are, and I know it is scary! And you DO need to be careful, but there are so many wonderful people out here who would LOVE you (if they had the chance to get to know you!) - and those of us who do know you, already love you! :o) Take all the time you need, and I promise that you will always be safe with me.
BTW, let's chat about the journal page swap or round robin, OK? N
Post a Comment