I did not realize, until I started reading articles for my first class in my major, how much of my past I was going to need to confront in the next four years. I mean, Social Work is a major where you hear about a lot of abuses of various forms, but I didn't realize how close to home this would hit. I've sat reading an article today about social workers who grew up in alcoholic families, and the effects their upbringing had on their professional life... but first, the article had to explain how abuse in general affects children... the guilt, the shame... the bizarre loyalty to the abuser... It was like the past came right back.
With the anniversary of my dad's death less than a month away, I'm feeling so many emotions... so many of the things I'm reading are bringing me back to the little girl living with Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde... to the fear and the hurts, the disappointments, the longing for a safe place to belong and be happy and free... the little girl who went to school every day, loving her teachers and the thing she learned, but being hated by the other children.
On facebook earlier this week, a girl from my school days contacted me... just asking how I was and catching up. I remember trying SO HARD to make friends with her when she moved to our school in second grade. She was my friend for a WHOLE DAY, and I was so excited... but by the second day, she had found new friends, and didn't want to even stand by me in line anymore. Now she's married with kiddos, and just added me as a friend and commented on my Wall... we're having fun getting re-acquainted.
The past will just NOT stay away right now! LOL What the heck?!
I'm really fighting lonliness right now, and some depression...
And this post is really unfocused, and whiney... and this is basically how I'm feeling at the moment lol
My mind is really muddled today, for whatever reason. I'm going to use that as my excuse for this post not being deeply impacting or even making much sense. I'm tired, both physically and emotionally... So many things going on, my coping skills feel maxed. But tomorrow is a new day, and who knows what it'll bring. Perhaps it will bring... chocolate? LOL
5 comments:
I've had that happen before with people in my past - it's been a good soul healing experience. Maybe this is going to be the same for you?
The past comes back to us for a reason. Usually so we can deal with the emotions, allow God to heal us and move forward. Not always fun, but necessary for growth and development. Hang in there. Let God heal up those places in you as you start this journey. It will be worth it in the end. Love ya!
I think there was a reason you were drawn to select that major, Jana. Really, I believe that this was so you can grow from the past ugliness, learn how to heal and cope, and move on from it. You will come out of that stronger and wiser. Hang in there! And you (obviously) got friends right here, rooting for you all the way! :)
as you move through your social work classes, you will realize how many wounded are trying to heal others' wounds. If you get offered some organizing classes in there, take them. Organizers and social workers are on opposite ends of the "healing" spectrum (but with full representation by wounded healers). Watch control issues (and that includes watching teachers who control - 28 pages of syllabus is a control issue). Don't let others drag you into their disfunctions. I suspect making it through this class is going to be an adventure! The biggest help to me in growing out of my past stuff was getting crystal clear on the difference between enabling and empowerment. Once you have that down, it's easy to *see* things. And it's circular. Just cause you have it one day doesn't mean you have it the next. Practic practice practice! xo
my thoughts and prayers are with you
youll be a good social worker and you will benefit from confronting your past
Im going to start councelling soon
ive been putting it off for a while
jen
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