Today I'm thinking deep thoughts again, after reading a post at Shelley's blog. In it, she said "For all that I am motivated and do too much now in my life now...underneath it all there is a fear of being unmotivated to move forward, weak and needy and unable to take care of myself financially."
Wow... that is me. I felt like I looked in a mirror as I read it! THAT. IS. ME!
I thought of myself this weekend... our local video store has awesome deals, so for $2.75 we rented 6 movies. We also borrowed & watched a movie with Antonio Banderes in it... or I should say, I almost let myself watch it. (I absolutely LUST after Antonio. He even makes Puss-in-Boots sexy!!! OMW! How is that possible?! ) Somewhere deep inside of me is a fear that if I ever stop, relax, let my guard down and just have fun for even a minute... I'll spend the rest of my life in poverty and laziness. "I can't concentrate on a movie for an hour! There is so much to DO!! If I don't get it done now, it will pile up, and there will be more and more to do, and I'll never get ahead, and I'll never be able to catch up, and we'll never be able to afford to fix our roof, and... "
And so Antonio was right on a screen in front of me, speaking in that absolutely hot accent of his, AND I MISSED IT. Why? Because I needed to be working. I had beads to use up. Art to be made. Things to do. *rolling eyes*
Despite the fact that life is getting better... our roof has stopped leaking lately, we're putting my tax refund toward the house payment and will be caught up on all but two bills (one of which is the $300 water bill. For one month.), the office is clean and getting more and more organized each day, veggies have been planted and are growing,... my anxiety level is completely out of control. I keep on driving myself to do more and more... and have no idea how to let myself relax, while still keeping my drive.
But lots of art is being made! lol
5 comments:
what kind of art? show us, please!
yes id love to see too
Jen
Oh Jana, that's too bad you can't stop thinking for a second. I know what that's like. It's one of the reasons I can't sleep, my mind won't shut off and stop worrying. My fab and wise sister Jamie once told me during my extreme poverty to say to myself, "Right now, everything is just fine. Right now, I am OK." So simple, but the truth can ground us. It's OK to stop. It's OK to rest. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You as you are, are perfect.
meditation. Sit and follow your breath for 5 minutes then a little longer. Do it in your "happy place" - for years mine was the redwoods, wich I had never seen...but wherever you can picture in your mind's eye. I think the hamster head thing is part of being an artist. You can always visualize taping the hamster's mouth shut, tieing (is that how you spell that?) up his little legs, and putting him in the corner with a kindly old crone guardian....that's my favorite visualization when I start having can't sit still thoughts.
Tammy V, your hamster imagery is cracking me up. lol
Maybe this is the artist in you, what fuels your creative stretches. I do believe that a relaxing cycle is coming up for you, and things will balance out. I really think your walks will be good for that. Talking time to enjoy the exercise, and getting your adrenaline going. Well, maybe that is part of the problem! lol
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