Merry Christmas and Happy Plumbing!

Christmas Eve, going crazy with Christmas preps...

But finally, today, we have a functional toilet! Ours had been leaking and then plugged. Now it FLUSHES!!!!!!! *happy dance*

By the way, WHY would the plumber need to repeatedly use our MICROWAVE? Must ask hubby about this when he gets home from shopping.

Also, I have to rant for a moment about the suckiness of my brother-in-law. We had volunteered to watch his two kids today before the family gathering, and so I decided that since this is the ONLY time the kids (K-Girl, age 2; K-Boy, age 6 months) had even been to my house... I was going to make it special. My brother-in-law was going to drop them off on his way to work (he works 5 minutes from our house), about 2:30... and then I decided that K-Girl and I were going to decorate cookies together. I bought packages of cookie cutters, sprinkles, all the fun stuff my mom and I had when we made cookies together... scrubbed and child-proofed my house... got the cookie dough ready...

And waited...

And waited...

And waited...

2:45 he called... he was running late, and decided to drop the kids off at our aunt's house instead. I am still BEYOND disappointed... I had been talking about this at work, how I was going to make cookies with my niece and was so excited... Grr.

So basically, I will see my neice for maybe 5 minutes, and hold my nephew for a max of 2 minutes before the aunts (who see the kids all the time) take him out of my arms...

People suck.

Christmas Music?

Hey, I'm downloading Christmas music for our Christmas party at my house, and was wondering if you all have any faves?

The Friendship Game

Or

Not ALL of my friends suck.

(Don't you love those cute little retro book titles? "John and the Painful Adventure, or, Never Tease a Grisly Bear" hehe)

This weekend was bad... I already posted to you about one friend lying to me and taking advantage of me... another one said something to me that was just... TOTALLY out of bounds. I was beginning to wonder why I bothered with friendships at all, if this was all I was going to get out of it...

And then a different friend came over. She saw I was upset, and asked what was wrong... listened to me rant, shared my anger at the situation... and then when I was done we talked about her problems. She also offered to help decorate my house with me for Christmas! I felt all kinds of loved, and realized that no, not all my friends suck. Just most. lol

So, you're probably asking yourself, "why doesn't Jana make new friends who don't suck so badly?" I asked myself that question too, and will now analyze the reasons:

1. I was a sucky friend in the past, and still see myself that way. I was selfish, and sometimes downright emotionally/verbally abusive to friends in the past. I still know that I have potential to hurt people this way again... and tell myself I don't deserve friends because of it. HOWEVER... although I have potential to hurt people, I don't do it... I don't even yell at them when they DO deserve it! lol

2. My house is not clean and has so many (big) problems, I'm embarassed to invite anyone over. This is completely true, and partially unavoidable. My house DOES have big problems, but most of them are in rooms guests don't enter. The only remaining severe problems are in the bathroom... (the seal beneath the toilet broke AGAIN. *sigh) and we have reached the point where we are calling a plumber on Monday. The toilet will be fixed, and we're going to price having the tub/sink piping redone and finding & replacing the leaky hot water pipe. For the first time in a year, we may be able to take real showers! *happy dance* And the cleaning? I just need to get the house clean, and see how clean I can keep it. If I do my best, and it's still not clean, then people will just have to love me anyway lol But I believe I DO have the ability to keep my house clean, I just have to teach myself how to do it.

3. I'm wierd, and I always say the wrong thing. This is probably true, and unavoidable. Especially with the stresses in my life at the moment, my mind and mouth don't always have the filter they are supposed to have between them. I may loose some friends because of this... but they would be true friends if that happened, now would they?

Okay, I'm sure there are more reasons buried deep inside my little psyche... but I need to finish the dishes and get my lazy butt to bed. Nite everyone!!!!!

The Intervention

So, how did my intervention go? I waited until the drive home, because I didn't want to ruin the trip... I didn't call her on the lie, but I did tell her that as of mid-Feb, whether she decided to spend her tax money on a car or not, I was done giving rides (except to church, and then only to church and food on the way). I explained that I needed to know that people like me for who I am and not what I do, and that I didn't want to be always asking myself if I was being taken advantage of.

She asked why I was waiting so long. LOL (I told her because I didn't want to tell her that when I knew she wouldn't have money to change her situation until Feb.)

Along the way, I realized why I keep a friend who is so obviously dysfunctional in my life...

Because I can be myself with her. Completely, totally myself, 95% of the time. She and James are the only people in my life that I feel this way with. With others I'm performing, striving to be good enough, to be accepted, to be what everyone wants. Since this friendship is so dysfunctional, I don't NEED to be accepted... because I'm needed. No matter what I do, I'll always be valued... because I'm needed. And even if I wasn't needed... this particular friend is almost always okay with me being completely, wholeheartedly, me. She gets when I don't want to talk, when I just want to stay in my house, when I compulsively crochet as I listen to her talk (and she knows that YES, I am listening). She doesn't think I'm wierd when I say something stupid or backwards... She gets that I'm sometimes restless and moody... and although sometimes she makes me want to throw objects, other times being with her is one of the most relaxing things in my life.

I'll be analyzing the friendship issue further throughout this weekend.

What the Heck?

Picture this...

You are willing taking a friend Christmas shopping, because has no motivation to learn to drive and is dependant on others. You tell her that you will drive the 15 minutes to get her, the 30 minutes to the shopping center, and then reverse all of that. You are never offered gas money. Your ownly stipulation is that you go late late at night, to 24 hour stores, to avoid the crowd.

Your friend texts to see if you are still planning to go. When you say yes, she tells asks if you can go early because her mom said a big storm was coming. You check the local TV station, Intellicast, and Accuweather, and see no storm. You text back saying this, and your friend says she just wanted to go earlier so you could take her to the dollar tree.

The more I think about this, the more REALLY angry I'm feeling. I really, really, really, hate being lied too.

Soooo... to salvage the friendship, we're going to have a bit of an "intervention" tonight. The kind of intervention where a friend is told "If you don't use your tax money to get a car and driving lessons, there will be no more rides for you, ANYWHERE, except church (cuz I do that for God's benefit, not yours, douchebag.) because your blatant abuse of my driving ability is making me want to commit acts of senseless violence against you feel really angry inside."

We'll see how this goes, and report back.

Jana standing up for self - take 2!! *film take thingy snapping closed and episode beginning*

Sad Today

So today I'm feeling sad, and angry... not really sure why.

Is it the holidays? Probably... but added to it is the fact that today was one of those days where I could not do ANYTHING right. A coworker lost confidence in me. The temp hired by our department may be promoted to a position above me, since I don't have my degree. I asked my Spanish-speaking coworker if we could speak Spanish occasionally, and she replied as she would to a small, slightly retarded child.

I just want to sit and quietly cry my eyes out... but I have no idea what is REALLY wrong that's why I'm so sensitive to all of this. I know that anything that even mildly reminds me of homes and hugs and love makes me wanna break into happy emotional tears...

And now, even in the time I've taken to type this, the mood has started to pass... wierd, eh??? Met up with some old friends on Facebook, read a funny story on a Spanish-learning website, and starting to break out of my funk.

Moods are weird.

Jana Life Update - The Family

So, after a fun break from blogging during a week in which I had an unexpected regression to my ADHD/emotionally unstable ways.... Many fun things happened. We'll start today with some updates from the family life sector:

• My brother-in-law has a job near my house now, and has been randomly living on our couch. The up side: I will get to see my neice and nephew more, thanks to an agreement I struck with their mama. (Transportation for the brother-in-law from work in exchange for baby time for me.) The down side: My brother-in-law has been IN. MY. HOUSE. I'm cleaning out the back bedroom so there will be a room for me to send him to when I get annoyed. LOL
• My father-in-law moved to town... for two whole days, approxmiately. Came to my house, made me unable to hate him (how can you hate anyone who is THAT pathetic? Douchebag!), told me how badly he wanted to move to Indiana and be close to his family again after being gone for NINETEEN YEARS... (Actually longer.... james is 24 and his dad walked out when he was 18 months old... 22 and a half years. Douchebag.)... and then decided to move to Texas. GOOD. FREAKING. RIDDANCE.
• My Christmas plans are proceeding decently. So far we have 4 people coming, possibly a fifth... and Kim is inviting some more friends of ours, since I'm sad that it will be so empty.
• My grandma is having renal failure... which makes me very very sad.
• Kim's grandma has been given 72 hours to live... that just makes me wanna cry. I remember the hours, waiting... sitting by the bedside, listening to every breath, wondering if it's the last... I don't envy Kim's mom at all right now.
• Jakey has been given meds for ADHD, and I am wishing I could steal some of them. The past few days my thoughts have been racing and I've been insanely hyper... talking crazy (no filter between my brain and my mouth... always a bad thing)... and without hardly any caffine! I actually cut the caffine BACK! (Yes, I plan to pay off my doctor ASAP and get some happy pills.) Jakey, however, is really benefiting from the medication, and I'm excited for him. I can't wait until he gets his first good behaviour award at school... I plan to take him out to eat, anywhere he wants to go, to celebrate.
• I am seeing my dad EVERYWHERE... all the men with white hair and beards remind me of him (except the ones dressed as Santa, cuz that's just creepy.) I miss him a lot during the holidays.
• My mother-in-law has learned how to forward e-mails. 22 deleted e-mails later... God help us all. *sigh*
• I've been feeling some holiday depression (probably due to missing my dad...) and would really like to remedy that with some good Christmas horror movies... any recommendations?

So that's what's going on in my family life. Stay tuned for the next update... The Craftz. Until then....

What's going on in YOUR family??

Finally...

I sold my wares at a craft bazaar at my aunt's church this weekend... didn't have much business, but sold a few earrings and ornaments. My mommy came by, and I ranted to her about the untimely demise of my Christmas ornaments, and my pathetic need for the mouse advent calendar. I went to her house later to pick up some things I'd left at my cousin Debby's house... and there was the calendar. I hugged it and cried for a deeply unreasonable period of time. I took it home, and the next day my hubby went out before work and stocked it up with candy and hung it up for me... prompting another good warm-fuzzy-cry. I ate today's candy, and cried a little more... and then ate chocolate from last week. *giggle*

The holiday depression has now broken, and I can face the holiday season... armed with a very huggable mousey happily living in his advent calendar. (And with it, memories of Christmases gone by, of love from my Mommy and a warm comfy home and my Dad still being alive.)

All is right in my world.

(P.S. There will be no gay marriage post tonight, I'm going to bed. )

Breaking News:

A single friend is at my house taking a pregnancy test because she missed a pill.

I've been trying to get pregnant for months and months....

Do I suck because I feel like throwing things at her?

UPDATE: It seemed to be a false alarm (Though she is not positive, since it may just be too early for the test. Personally, I think it's probably just pre-period symptoms.) and she has gone home. I still want to throw things at her, but I maintained a friendly and joking demeanor, and so on and so forth.

Now I'm just tired, and in need of pleasant dreams and a hug or two. With this week's paycheck, I am going to pay off my doctor, and try and put some money in a secret savings account for roof repairs. Once the roof is completely fixed, or we KNOW we'll have the money to have it completely fixed, I'll go to a fertility specialist. I'll also be able to get my thyroid and things checked out... and be able to see MY doctor again, instead of visiting a random clinic.

In sad news, I still want my mouse calendar. I cried thinking about it today... I don't understand what it is that I really want, that the calendar means to me. Safety and love, maybe... or just the candy inside the calendar lol

Doctors Visit

So I went to the doctor today. I do still have the ear infection, and so he gave me drops for my ears...

And may I just add, that when your ear is infected, that stuff going down your ears is one of the WORST feelings ever? Yeah... it sucks.

He doesn't know what is causing the dizzy spells yet, and he gave me a spreadsheet to list my spells on and some questions about the spell... length, stuff I ate, stress, etc.

I am so exhausted I can't hardly see straight... I'm going to bed.

Results

Remember how last week I committed to myself, to doing some cleaning only for my personal benefit? Would you like to see the results?

My desk has a FLOOR near it!!!!! The top of the desk is still trashed, but I spend too much time actually WORKING at my desk for it to ever actually be clean lol

The bookcase corner. Notice that the shovel and other manly tools have been moved to the back porch... no place to put the trim at though, so it's still in the corner until I figure something out.

The game corner! Yes, it's still kinda disorganized... but the games are together in piles, the wedding albums/photo frames are all together, and the pile of random crap to give & return to my inlaws next weekend is neatly together. GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!!!

(Thanks Jen, for asking me to give pics... that helped motivate me SO much!!!!)

*~*~*~*~*~*

In happy news, I'm feeling better after my very-good-cry Sunday. I've known I needed a really good crying-ranting-raving for a while... but not been able to get it out and move on. Holidays are hard, I'm missing my dad like absolutely crazy and seeing him everywhere in everyone I meet, and James and I have both been working ourselves crazy... but things are better, and I feel much better now.

My period arrived yesterday, a full EIGHT days late... which is mainly annoying because 1. I'm not pregnant and 2. I had an algebraic equation figured out for calculating my period...

x + 2 = y

Where x = the amount of days in the cycle of the month before, and y = the amount of days that will be in the current cycle.

This had been faithfully true for several months (at least, I think it had.)... 1 day late, 3, 5,.... and now 8. Piece of crap periods!!!! Ruining my perfect algebraicly correct cycles. Grr.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Tomorrow I go to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor, and find out WHY I have had an ear infection since May, and not been able to get rid of it even with an antibiotic. (It's actually worse now.)

The Gay Marriage Debate - The Face of "Gay"

Growing up in a small midwestern town, "gay" was not something you encountered much. To call someone "gay" was the ultimate insult. As I grew up, things didn't change much. The gay population in our area was 1, Tammy, the local vet. When she hired an assistant, who was female, the rumor-mill was flowing like never before! LOL

When I heard about "gay," it was often in the story of Sodom & Gomorrah, towns so lustful that the men wanted to gang-rape an angel! When I didn't hear it in that sense, it was in news from outraged citizens, who had heard of gay parades where men groped each other and participated in other lewd behavior, of child molesters preying on young boys, or of straight men and women who were sexually harassed by a lustful gay colleague at their job.

This, to my young mind, was the face of "gay." And to be honest, this is the face of "gay" that many opponents of gay marriage still see. This is the face they want to protect their children from, and the face that inspires their hatred. And really, who can blame them? If I believed that all gay men would rape my sons, and all gay women would grope each other on my front sidewalk in front of my babies, I would be experiencing some serious hate too! lol

But the face of "gay" is not this grotesque image, any more than the face of Christianity is the bombers of abortion clinics. They are the radicals, the people who make the news... but they are not the norm.

The true face of "gay," I believe, is much more diverse. It includes people just going about their daily lives and enjoying their families, just like everyone else. It includes people throwing birthday parties for their kids, experiencing the nightmarish hell of home renovations (Oh, do I remember those days...) , and taking the required pregnant belly photos! It includes men and women, old and young, rich and poor.

*~*~*Today's Discussion*~*~*

How were gay couples thought of when you were growing up? How are they thought of where you live today?

Why Me?

Why does it always have to happen to me?

I get all kinds of cleaning done, happily get water heating up in a pan on the stove to shower with (Yes, we still have no hot water. 10 months now...) so I won't reak of BO as we go to church, and remember that I have to see what Christmas decorations we have so I can bring them into work tomorrow. So, as the water is heating up, I go out to the laundry room to find the boxes of decorations.

First of all, one box seems to be lost. Which would be bad, except... the two boxes that I did find? Ruined. Everything except the glass ornaments and the lights (possibly) were ruined. Between water damage (how the heck did they get water damage?!), mildew or mold of some sort, and mice... almost everything is ruined.

I could have handled all of that... but when I got to the bottom of the first box, I saw a spider.

And I even could have handled that... had I been able to find the mouse advent calendar that I've had since childhood. The one that every year my mom would put a candy in each days slot, and as the mouse moved into a new day I got to eat the candy. I NEED that calendar!!!!!!!!!!! That stupid calendar is one of the few childhood things I have left that make me feel safe and comforted... I can't loose it! I really really really NEED that calendar. More than I can even understand.

So maybe the other box of decorations are in the trunk of my car (God knows what is in the trunk of my car.) or at my Mom's house... I don't know.

Life is SO unfair. I have no idea what I could even have DONE to deserve this... the laundry room evindently has a leak of some kind (leaky room number 3, sometimes 4... the bathroom leaks when it rains really hard.) , the back bedroom has leaked so badly that everything in it has a dusty whitish-green coat of mold on it, and our bedroom leaks so bad that it wakes me up when it rains outside. I can't even count how many things have been ruined in the year and a half that I've owned this house.

And all of this, every stupid rotten unfair thing, I could handle... if I could just wash it away with a good shower.

Neglect & Commitment

In looking at my house today, I came to a deep realization...


The office, the one room in our house devoted to my hobbies and used almost exclusively by me, is the worst kept room in our house. It isn't just a little messy, or a little trashed... It is completely and utterly out of control.

I still have the contents of our bathroom cabinet in my house from renovation time in August. I believed we were going to finish the renovations soon, which involved lifting the sink up again, and just never bothered to put the stuff back below the sink again.

I also never put the equipment away. Notice on the floor a shovel and the red power tool (jigsaw, I think), and the blue bag filled with manuals about plumbing and other home improvements.. Also notice the binder on the floor, which was meant to be my collage journal book... randomly tossed away.

I have no excuse at all for the other two areas. My computer area is a complete disaster. In my defense, the videos laying all around WERE in a nice tidy pile, but I knocked it over. *sigh*

And the table area... wow. I have no words for this.


This housekeeping tells a lot about me. The rooms used for everyone's benefits are far cleaner. The clutter in them is much less and much newer. They have been vacuumed more recently. They are cared for, a reflection of how I care about others, about "us" as a whole. The room I use is neglected, it's contents scattered carelessly, and the lowest on my priority list... a reflection of how I treat myself.


This holiday weekend I am making a commitment, to ME.


I commit to take only one friend to one destination (Kim to church) and no other errands on behalf of others.


I commit to working first and foremost to clean in my office, purely for my own benefit and sanity.


I commit to restablishing a solid pratice of daily collage. I commit to getting all of my supplies together and a bit more organized (but not anally organized.)


I commit to taking time to chat with God, my strongest supporter.

I commit to doing this all at my own pace, while still enjoying myself with fun things along the way.

The Weight of the World

Today, for the first time in... two years? Three years? My family actually got together for a holiday! I decided to go ahead and go, since I was feeling some better. I'm still feeling better (which reminds me, crap, I didn't take my antibiotic with my afternoon munching/supper-ish thing. BRB, doing that now.) *returning with Stovetop stuffing leftovers to eat with the meds.* My throat is sore today from talking and singing so much on the way home, (We've always sung Christmas songs on the way home from Thanksgiving. ALWAYS.) and ears still feel all full and gross, but I'm otherwise doing pretty darn good!

The family gathering was awesome, we had SO much fun!!!! James was himself, which was awesome... it was the first time my family really got to know him at all. We had a bonfire, and burnt a couch. (HOLY. FREAKIN. CRAP. Dude... the minute that thing caught fire, it was like WHOOSH and huge nasty black smoke and crazy intense heat came out of it! AND THAT WAS JUST FROM TWO CUSHIONS! Amy the Awesome Cousin has pics.) I got to see Amy the Awesome Cousin and her hubby and kids... I really love Amy's family. Her hubby's sense of dry humor just cracks me up! Her oldest kiddo (who barely qualifies as a kiddo, since she IS like 16 now.), Kid #1, and I always have fun chatting, and I got to know Kid #2 a lot better through the day... and got to spend real time with Kid #3 and Kid #4, for the first time EVER... the only other times I've seen them is at a funeral (our Grandpa) and a wedding (mine). Kid #3 said the prayer over our food, and it contained a phrase similar to: "And God I love you, I really do, and that's why I do! Amen!!!" So cute!

On the downside, and I do have to blog about this since it IS what the title is based on... my grandma did not enjoy the family gathering. And being the youngest (and favorite) grandchild, I feel like that is all my fault. I came in, gave her a hug, and told her I had to stay away from her cuz I was sick and contagious. (Because I AM sick, and possibly contagious, and she is already on a nebulizer 3 times every day. And I have a COUGH. *blink* This is a bad combo.) I didn't chat with her much, even when I noticed others weren't talking to her either. I didn't even talk to her much at the table, when I felt like she was always watching me. I wasn't sure what to say or what to do, so I quietly pondered... and she ended up leaving the room to just be alone. And although I know that we were a noisy and overwhelming group, with lots of kids and so on, I keep feeling like it's all my fault.

In the past, this situation would have concluded like this: I would have kept blaming myself. I would have hated myself. I would have felt a heavy weight of guilt, and assumed that everyone else blamed me as much as I blamed myself. I would have avoided family until they had a chance to forget, and then felt more guilty for avoiding them. (Do you see an endless cycle forming? It did.)

I'm putting the brakes on it today... I had a GREAT time with my family, and my grandma was most likely just truly overwhelmed. Mom said that my Aunt Ruth is feeling just as guilty as I am, maybe even more so, because Grandma had changed her mind about going a couple of days ago, but Aunt Ruth persuaded her to come anyway since she was the reason we decided to celebrate together. The weight of the world doesn't rest on me. The weight of my grandma's happiness and well-being does not rest squarely on my two shoulders. Maybe I made a mistake, and didn't talk to her enough. The world won't end from that... I can always go visit her and chat with her then. I can forgive myself, I can move on....

And I can instead switch to feeling the guilt and lethargy brought on by eating insanely huge portions of turkey, stuffing, and PIE!!!! I love my family... sweet potato casserole, turkey that was SO MOIST, mashed potatoes that were perfectly done, and did I mention pies? Pumpkin, apple, double-decker pumpkin (made by my Beloved), and CHERRY. *happy sigh*

*taking antibiotic, finishing my portion of stuffing, and heading to BED*

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!!!!!

Quick update:

Still feeling crappy, but I DID go to the doctor last night. I have a nasal spray that is supposed to help clear up my ear infection, and an antibiotic specifically geared to people with tolerance to amoxicillan (which I have... cuz dude, I was ALWAYS sick as a kid, and they always prescribed that! Even when I didn't work... but it tasted yummy!). I'm supposed to call on Saturday to update the doc, and if it's not better by Monday I have to see an ENT doctor to find out why I've had this ear infection since May. In the meantime if I can just get rid of the sniffle and the cough... I'd be great.

No idea yet if we'll get to go to either family gathering tomorrow... if I feel like I would be contagious, I can't go to mom's family, because I can't risk making my Grandma sick. We might try to go to James's family, since no one there has low immunity... but I doubt it. I really want to try to go to my family. Soooooo... I've packed my yarn and other fun stuff in my little bag in case we get to go, and we'll see how I feel in the morning. Now I'm on my way to take my antibiotic with a Star Crunch and some tea, and head to bed.... Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!!!

Back at Square One

So, after a week of keeping the faith and all...

Here I am, again, in the mullygrubs.

I'm still sick, and Thanksgiving is two days away. I have GOT to get better!! Cousin Amy might be moving across the US, and I wanna see her first! The sinus infection is mostly gone, having left some fun bronchitis in it's stead.

I have paid my heat bill, and the heat is supposed to be turned on and my pilot light lit sometime today. Unfortunately, I had to go through minor hell yesterday to get it...

*scene fading to yesterday*

Work yesterday was hell. Shortstaffed, blah blah blah... by the time I got off work, ALL I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. Unfortunately, life didn't happen that way. A friend came over with a flat tire. I took her with me as I ran errands, and then brought her to her job, after stopping at McDonalds. McDonalds, BTW, screwed up everything I ordered. So badly, in fact, that they ended up giving me back all of my money, and remaking all of my food. I went home to wait to pick up the aforementioned friend from work. She was going to borrow my car, run to her mommy's house in another town to pick up a tire, and come back. Greeted my hubby, gave him hugs, made him load laundry into his car, and picked up my friend. Came home to get James's car to take to the laundrymat, shut the cat's tail in the door (owwie!), blah blah blah...

Went to the laundromat, completely exhausted, because we were out of clean clothes. James had worked a 12 hour shift and had to be back awake at 3AM, so it fell to me to do the laundry. Fine, okay, great. Got home at 9 ish, brushed my teeth, changed into jammies, and went to bed.

Couldn't sleep. Where is my car? Why is my friend taking so long? blah blah blah... my thoughts were whirring. I didn't realize HOW late my friend was supposed to work, so by 1:30AM I was wide awake, putting on my jacket, and going to look for her.... when she came in. *sigh.* She'd just gotten off work, grabbed clothes, and came straight over. I felt like a moron.

Went to bed, slept like a baby. woke up, came to work... brought my friend with me because she had a class here on campus, then was going back to my house to wait for the furnace man. Except the key wouldn't work in the door of my house. SO... after being verbally lashed out at by a virtual stranger here at work, FOR DOING MY JOB... I had to leave work. I was in tears... I had to admit that my gas had been shut off because I was so poor, and then a stranger was ranting, and I was still exhausted...

And now, it's lunchtime. I have piles of work waiting for me when I come back, a meeting I've put off with my boss since yesterday (because other people are gone, I've been doing two people's jobs... while trying to do my own too!), and so on and so forth....

I'm keeping the faith...

But do you mind if I keep some alcohol too?

Keepin' the Faith

Before I begin my actual post, some questions were asked about henna tattoos.

Henna is a plant that produces a red-orange dye, which is used in body art in the Middle East, India, and even Africa. In fact, it's even talked about in the Bible (it's called Camphire there.) Hehe looking at Wikipedia, it looks like henna for body art is actually illegal here, which makes me feel even warmer and fuzzier inside about using it. Anyway, the henna leaves are mashed into a paste, which is applied to your skin in pretty designs. You let the paste dry, and as it is drying your skin absorbs the dye! After a while it fades... mine was done on Monday, and now part of the design is totally gone, and part is faded.

~*~*~*~*~*~

So, my devoted readers will probably remember that about a week ago that I was posting about being very depressed, and how life was just completely sucking.

That was last Saturday. I felt like everything was crashing around me... our finances were the worst they'd ever been, we couldn't even afford to get our heat turned on... work was CRAZY, with everyone spatting and all this drama, in addition to an insanely high work load... and so on and so forth.

Sunday I dragged my lazy butt to church, only to hear my pastor preach on faith. By the end, I realized I had completely given up hope for my situation! I had decided things were never going to get better, and we'd always have to struggle like this. I decided to let go, stop the panic, and cancel my trip to the pawn shop. (Seriously. I had stuff packed.) I decided to just trust God, have faith, and relax.

So how did that work out for me?

Sunday afternoon a friend took me out for supper at Dennys! I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Monday when I got to work, the coworker who all the drama had centered around had quit. My workload increased a little, but life is SO PEACEFUL there now in comparison. 75% of my job stress ended that day. I was able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about work! Then, when I got home from work, James told me that instead of his job cutting his hours, like they had been doing, he was on manditory overtime! He has worked 76 hours this week, and next week he will have at least 10 more hours of overtime! (If not more... James plans to be working overtime frequently until Christmas.)

The bills are being paid, the heat will be turned on sometime next week (whenever we can actually be HOME, so they can come turn it on.), the job is bearable, and in general....

Life is good.

So if you're going through one of those periods where life sucks, keep the faith. It works.

Life Update in Pictures

Henna tattoo. I got this from a student group at the college I work at, as part of International Education Week... and holy crap, it was awesome!!!! I could fall in love with these. Also, as an added bonus, mine seem to soak into the skin better because my skin is so dry! SWEET!! (On a side note, can anyone else find the giraffe on my hand?)

A deformed butter lid. Coincidentally, the notches melted into it seem to match the pattern on the right front burner of my stove exactly. *sigh*

A puzzle! My mommy and I worked it Saturday, now I just have to glue it together and put it on my wall!

A coloring page!!!! Tammy V is designing coloring pages again for Art Everyday Month! You can find this one here. My inner child was BEYOND happy with this, and went to town painting last night! Thanks Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm going to lay down, because I'm getting a cold. Good news and "eh." news to share later.

*hugs to all*

Dancing & Life

Last night was my second dance party, following a pre-party Waltz class. I struggled a lot, but I had a LOT of fun. I can now do some basic steps in: Foxtrot, ChaCha, Rumba, East Coast Swing, Merangue, and since none of us were giving requests to the DJ, we all learned a line dance.... which was surprisingly HARD physically. I was like... wow.

Talked to a lady there who teaches belly dancing on the campus I work at... she does that on Monday nights, so I may join the fun. They're free, and since this month will be my last regular dance class for a while as we save up money to pay for books for my classes in January... this might be a fun option for me.

I still don't feel like I have any control over my body... I still feel like the uncoordinated kid in the corner who people choose last for EVERY sports team. I wonder how long I have to dance before my body feels like it's mine, ya know?

I've become depressed. This new job, recurring grief over my dad, upcoming holidays, financial issues, combined with the normal crap (the house isn't clean, at all, because I've been depressed. I'm more depressed because the house is dirty. I'm depressed because I feel fat and ugly. Since I'm depressed, I overeat and just want to sleep all the time, thereby making myself gain more weight...) has just been too much. I need to talk to a doctor about happy pills, but that brings us back to the financial issues... I owe money to the doctor (stupid insurance switch at my old job, I didn't realized they weren't paying my doctor bills til it was too late.), so I can't get in to see her until I pay... and even if I did, I couldn't afford the prescription...

Basically, every area of my life is out of control... and I'm cracking. So, I'll go back to making collages, spending time with myself, letting myself heal... perhaps that will be enough to get me through.