I've tried something new the last week... When there is time to relax and move slowly, I do that... and pay attention. I noticed all kinds of thing... from the rustle of papers in my office, the scent on my husband when he got out of the shower, the blueness of the sky... it was amazing!!
One thing that I would like to be more conscious of though, is my emotions. Today I'm sitting here at my mom's computer in her house... my hubby is at church, my Mom has left for an appointment... It's so quiet here!
Inside, all is not quiet... for the past few days, I've felt like tears are forming a bubble inside me, threatening to explode... overwhelming, but just out of reach... I can't tell you WHY I'm sad... I said yesterday that it must be birthday blues, (my birthday is this Wednesday) but I'm not at all sure that's why I'm down. There are several things I could be down about... my last remaining "real life" friend seems to have changed, and I feel taken advantage of and betrayed. I know in my mind that I miss my dad around this time of year, so I tell myself "this must be why you are sad. Think about your dad, cry, and lets move on." I do cry,... but I don't feel cleansed. Whatever I'm sad about, it must not be just that. I complain about my friends, but still don't feel cleansed. I still feel the bubble of pain, untouched, beneath the surface of my life.
Have any of you ever encountered this? For many many years, I completely detached myself from my emotions... channeling the most severe emotions into anger or hatred, and burying the rest. Slowly but surely, I've grown and healed, and allowed myself to feel these emotions... but only when they surface in waves... not the day-to-day feelings I'm guessing other people have. Many times I find myself with my emotions either shut off completely, or hovering at the edge of my consiousness, just out of reach.
If you have any wise words on this subject, feel free to share.
3 comments:
I really like the concept of just listening, absorbing the moment. I should try that more often. :-)
No wise words for you, though. Maybe allow yourself to ponder what that feeling might be, but then keep persevering along, regardless. Then, maybe you will learn what it was in the future, when you look back to now?
I would just pray and ask God to show you what the real issue is deep down and how to begin to take steps to heal that. I recently had an issue with a friend that just didn't seem to want to resolve. But God told me to just pray and it would begin to resolve itself. God began to show me things and my heart softened as did hers and things got better. Also, don't be afraid to share the emotions with James. Sometimes just verbalizing them can help you figure them out.
Hang in there and I'll be praying for ya!
birthdays are good. very very good. you are too young to complain. Look, I just took #60 with hardly a whimper (at least on line)...I think Aries are prone to mood swings. the trick is to recognize the swing, name it and wait it out while trying to distract ourself with something fun - a birthday cake! ice cream! a special present just for you from you! every single day of this month (I can put you in touch with Daughter is very adept at this. Her bday is the 6th).(Aries all of us - she was having a very bad stressful week last week...I've had a whole month....it's our time of the year). xo
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