Today was my first day of counseling, and I have to say it went rather well. The counselor put me at ease, and we talked about why I was there, my life as it is now, and where I'd like my life to be going. Very productive... I have another appointment in 2 weeks.
Two things came up in our conversation, that I hadn't really noticed before.
1. Self-loathing. I hadn't truly realized how angry I have been at myself, that I can't be "normal". I hate the fact that my issues have made it so hard for me to form relationships of any kids, driven me away from meaningful Christian fellowship (my fault, no one else's), and caused me to lash out at others in ways I'll always regret. I hate the fact that I feel so emotionally fragile some days. I hate the fact that I can't be the "strong Christian woman" I desire to be. I feel like i have failed God, failed others, and worst of all... failed myself. I hate that there is such a distance between who I want to be, and who I actually am.
(Note: I am saying this is a completely detached manner, and not actually upset at the moment. Wierd, but true.)
2. The amount of things I'm expecting myself to accomplish (wedding preps, house renovation, full-time job, trying to get into art-making as a business, starting a second learning-from-Tammy-and-working-and-earning-art job, kid's nights.... those alone keep me hoppin... but then to add into it my duties as the unofficial Ohana-Mama... whew.) are not realistic. I need to find a way to "cut the crap" out of my life. So... that is my main goal for now. CUT DA CRAP!!! (I think I'll make that the newest slogan for my life... maybe make a poster to remind myself, and confuse any visitors who see it. *evil giggle*) I'll keep you updated as I journal my activities for a week or so, to see what in my schedule is a waste, and toss it out.
Anyone else want to join me in freeing ourselves from unneccesary crap in our lives? We can start a club... call ourselves the "Crap-Cutters"....and one of YOU can be the leader of the club! LOL
8 comments:
Ok - let me say here that I find you incredibly sweet, honest, and forth coming. And that you are just where you are suppsed to be in you pathway, because there you are. I want you to love you as much as I have learned to - and that's ALOT! I have a new tile. It says: when you talk to yourself be nice! I like that. What do you think?
I am very proud of you for going to therapy. I have gone to therapy a number of times and when i look back I realized that i lied to most of my therapists. Lie may be a strong word, but I hid the truth and wanted them to see me in a certain light. So I would suggest to be really honest and if something doesn't ever feel ok say so and remember that not every therapist is for you. Sometimes it takes more than one to fit.
I am excited to see what name you come up with for your business. My first thought was Jana's Jewels.
XO,
melba
sweetie
You can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens you
Jana try not to hate yourself
U are loved by many
and even more importantly God loves you
and He loves you just as you are
You cant fail Him
He accepts you for who you are
He is not in the business of making failures
and You are made in His imagine
If you allow Him to He will shape you into someone even greater than you are now
I think you should concentrate on just a few things at once and when they are completed then do something else on your to do list
Jen
I just got back and I'm late for any advise but it sounds like you did great. It's a tough hurdle but being a crap-cutter will really help. Gooooo Jana!!!!!
I am so with you Jana. I'm in counselling right now too and am finding that so many of the typical "grown-up" things are just not what I want to do, you know, the keeping of an immculate house, having all the latest and the greatest things, gadgets, you name it. I am going to nourish my inner child and I'm letting go of the control freak always in control woman I used to be (note I used control twice!!). I'm having way too much fun allowing me to be me, let people help me and making more human connections than I ever would with housework and all that other grown-up crap! Kudos to you sweetie.
Jana, sweetie, you are so loved. I may never meet you, but I treasure the friendship that we have developed and you're very precious to me.
And I am so proud of you! It takes a lot of courage to open up to a therapist. Just be honest in your sessions.
The Crap-Cutters?! lol
I don't think all your activities or desires are crap...sometimes it just boils down to "which of all these good things are my top five priorities, considering my limited precious time" or "which of these desires deserve more focus"? :-)
You'll figure it out. It's all part of this learning process...not all experience happens in spurts. :-)
so glad it went well :) tee hee .. crap cutters ~ i so need to do that!!
hugs
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