Don't Panic!

Yes, I am still alive.

*I'm working hard on my classes, and I have A's in both of them.

*Working in the backyard, (aka the land of poison ivy), without thinking about covering up my skin... *sigh* I was planning to only work in the front, but I had to take the leaves and such to the compost area in the back yard... and found myself working on the weeds back there. This will probably be something I'm regretting in just a few days.

*Falling and making owwies... fell down a flight of stairs this week while doing the volunteer work required for my intro to social work class. Made a large bruise on my arm, skinned and bruised my elbow, bruised my tailbone, and jarred my back. All in front of one of the kids there... *still embarassed*

*Feeling annoyed that a former coworker is causing a lot of problems for my office, and I have to be involved in the drama. Save the drama for your mama!!!!!!! I don't want it.

*Planting lots and lots and lots of veggies in my gardens. So far I've planted lettuce, cabbage, brussel sprouts, broccoli, argula, and green onions. Tomorrow's list includes another type of lettuce, cauliflaur, and some other kinds of greens. I really want to grow some bok choi, gotta see if the seed store has that. Bok choi is cool.

*Staring at the wall above my computer, and realizing a Christmas decoration is hanging up there. How on earth have i not noticed this before? It's MARCH!!!!

*Worrying that I have lice. That is the very bad part about working with kids... kids = lice. *sigh* I need to find someone who knows how to look for lice. I wonder if my hubby knows?

*Working on our taxes. All done except I have to put our property taxes in. Then on to Mommy's taxes.

*Speaking of family, did you all know that Cousin Amy had a baby?? Somehow I missed the family memo, (probably by not checking my e-mail) but I hear that she is doing well (after a poop-in-utero scare) and everyone is happy and healthy I believe.

*Speaking of babies, my newest neice is absolutely ADORABLE!!!!! I just love her so much, with her cute wittle eyes and her cute wittle hands... and I think she loves her Aunt Jana too. :o)

*Also speaking of babies, we still haven't gotten one. I'm handling that okay right now.

*I'm still hungry, even though I've been snacking all night. Perhaps God decided instead of a baby, I should have a tapeworm? If so, I may not be speaking to him for a while. *frowny eyebrows* (Just kidding God... but please don't give me a tapeworm.)

*My pastor's wife is working with me as an intern in my office. I am finding this both extremely wierd and kinda fun. We seem to be... bonding.

*We have fallen in love with the new Jalapeno Popper Doritos. YUM.

*I miss art. My inner child has crayons but we can't find a coloring book that she likes. I think I'm going to have to check Walmart tomorrow, because she has been sniffling sadly far too much lately.

*I'm really angry at my social work professor. I worked very hard on a paper for that class, using the sentence structures we had been working on in English class... I made a phenominally awesome sentence, using a structure from my English book, and was all excited and proud... until I got my paper back. She had counted my sentence wrong! I am so upset. I plan to take my English book with me to meet with her, and ask if she'll give me my point back if I promise to never use creative sentences in my papers again. Or maybe I should just take the point deduction, and display it with pride as a sign of my non-conforming ways... *sigh*... but my sentence was right, and I WANT MY POINT BACK! Stupid program, preparing us to write dull journal articles with no personality... Grrrrrrrrrrr...

So, this is just a glimpse of what's going on in my life. Now tell me... what's new with you??

Explaination

So, you're probably wondering, after reading my last post, how I became so cold-hearted and angry.

It was not, surprisingly, the fact that I've carried the full weight of the friendship with Friend X for years, taking her everywhere since she doesn't have a vehicle (never asking for gas money), paying for her food because I truly believed she was trapped in her situation (which she is, but only because she deliberately traps herself.), even taking it when she barely helped with my wedding at all after promising to. I was even going to still be her friend after the Christmas Screw-Over.

The straw that broke the camels back though, was her complete and lack of compassion with the fact that we're having trouble conceiving. Now, once again, I have minimal expectations... I did not expect hugs or support, deep words or advice, or even a willingless to listen to me talk about it. A simple "I'm sorry" or even a sad silence would have been enough for me. I realize that I am WAY too emotional about this issue, and that my lack of conception is bothering me WAY more than it probably should. I don't expect others to understand that.

Instead, I got "Don't worry, it'll happen", stories about how everyone else in her life is having cute little babies, and how poor and abused she is because she can't have another child because she isn't having sex... despite the fact that she HAS one child already, and severely neglects his emotional, social and educational needs.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to tell her how the choices she is making, and her self-absorbed behavior, are hurting her friends and her child. Everyone else has consistently avoided her because her behaviors are more than they can take, and I've stayed in her life through it because I DO see her growing and changing... but these three areas (trapping herself in poverty and expecting people to pick up her tab, neglecting her childs needs because she's consumed by her own, and being an emotional zero to her friends) are ones that I know she doesn't see or thinks she is powerless to control, and therefore isn't working on.

How much, legitimately, am I expected to take and stay silent?

Stepping Out

Today as I chatted with Alison, trying to figure out what to do about a friend (we'll call her "Friend X") who is completely and utterly screwing up her own life and the life of her child, I came to a realization:

Before I confront Friend X about her malfunction... I really need to get my own crap together!

I'm complaining because my friend is trapping herself in her bad situation, and not helping herself find a way out... but am I doing the same thing? Time to take inventory of some areas of my life, and the next steps to improve.

FINANCIAL:

This has by far always been the weakest area of my life. I won't go into how bad it's been, but lets just say some dramatic action is needed in order to pay back some medical and educational bills of the past.

My next step: Get a calendar to put next to my computer. Whenever a bill comes into my house, write this bill on the calendar. This will help me get organized, and avoid late fees. After this, make an income and expenses comparison, and see what can be cut or lessened from the expenses side. After this, make a specific plan for what bills will be paid off in what order.

EDUCATIONAL:

I'm really doing pretty well in this area, but have been frustrated by my lack of organization.

My next step: I think I need to make a to-do list at the end of each class day, (I only have classes Tues and Thurs), saying what assignments need to be done before the next week and the deadline. I'll put this next to my computer, and mark off assignments as they are finished.

PHYSICAL:

This is improving, or was. I really enjoyed our time as vegetarians, but we've went back to the old ways of eating far more than we should have.

My next step: Keep buying and using vegetables in every meal I cook. Try to use minimal meat.

SPIRITUAL:

This is still rocky, but improving.

My next step: Find a good time to pray, and pray daily.

SOCIAL:

My house is staying mostly clean, which makes it MUCH easier to have people over now... but I still generally stay home, alone. I honestly don't know what goals I want to have in this area. I have been making more friends, I have been working at creating and maintaining healthy friendships, and have been cutting off "dead weight" friendships that are not healthy for me.

My next step: Write a letter to Friend X, explaining why I am avoiding her. Be gentle, but very very blunt.

Another goal that I'm considering, which is not really related to this list, is to blog more about some of the topics I'm learning about in my Social Work class. We're just finishing a chapter discussing poverty that I found quite offensive, and would love to chat about it... perhaps by blogging sometimes about these types of issues, I'll remember to keep my blog updated!

Again

Did you know my last post was post number 666? Yep... my blog post was the root of all evil. Who knew?! lol

I took another pregnancy test today... got another negative... just another day in the life, right? No, this time it is REALLY bothering me. Despite the fact that I've taken so many tests in the past, and they've all been negative... there's just a small part of me that hopes, every month, that it will happen.

This time I think that inner optimist is throwing things and crying. She and I are going to curl up under a blankie in the bedroom, and watch the first two Lord of the Rings movies. We also may picture ourselves committing voilent acts, just for fun. OH! Maybe she likes crayons... we can draw the scenes.

*taking new box of 120 crayons with her to the bedroom*

Why?

Why have I woken up every morning at 3AM this week? Why does my bladder suddenly decide, at that time EVERY morning, that it is explosively full and I must awaken?

*sigh*

I'm going back to bed now.

Where I'm At

Just a little update on my life:

I turned in my first paper as a college student today! I have another one due tomorrow, which I'm currently revising.

I'm not pregnant. After sobbing pathetically Friday morning and Monday afternoon at work (can we say "humiliating"?) about things that happen to me every single day, we thought it might be a good time to check, but nope... no baby. I'm trying to take my temp every day, but can I just rant to you for a moment? The thermometer instructions say to check your temp every morning, first thing, WHEN YOU ARE HALF ASLEEP. If I am half-asleep, how am I supposed to remember to take my temp?!! *sigh* So far, this hasn't gone well. I've taken to putting my thermometer on top of my cell phone (which I use as an alarm clock) every night, so I see it when I reach to hit the snooze button.

I've failed as a vegetarian. I ate a single meatball, because I forgot I was a vegetarian. The meatball really wasn't that exciting either. How sad.

I've learned to make "Cheater's Spanakopita", using biscuit dough from a tube. You just mix together one (small) container of cottage cheese, two eggs, and some spinach (2 bunches is what it called for, but I didn't use that much). Set that aside for a moment as you take each biscuit and roll it out as then as you'd like. Lay 1/2 of the now-rolled-out-biscuits onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Spread the filling out evenly on the four biscuits on the cookie sheet, and top with the other 1/2 of the biscuits. Smoosh the edges together to make 4 spanikopita pockets. Bake 35 minutes at 400 degrees. Yum.

My husband is gone, working on his mom's car... I have no idea when or if he will be home tonight, and I really need him. Does no one think about the fact that I just had another negative prego test, and might need some support? (I know, I know, how can they know if I don't ask? But how can I ask if I don't have my phone? You see my dilemma.)

Which reminds me... my sister-in-laws surprise birthday party is now being planned for the day my father died 2 years ago. Maybe I should be stronger, or over it... but I just don't think so. I asked Aunt Martha about it, hoping maybe we could do it the week before, but was told just to come and be with friends and family, that they would understand... but who wants someone all weepy at their birthday party? But at the same time, I'd rather die than hurt that sis-in-law, so... I'm stuck. I want to be there, because I love her to death... but I don't want to be there, because I plan to spend that day honoring my dad's memory and will most likely be emotionally and physically exhausted. If it gets too bad and I just can't stop by the party, maybe I could get her a really nice card explaining how much I love her and why I wasn't able to be there. Her mom died not long after my dad, so she would understand.

I haven't shown you all any pics of my baby niece, have I? I'll have to start another post later tonight with all the baby pics in it. She is so cute!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely love her.

For right now, I'm starved... I'm going to go cook a baked potato and maybe make some cauliflower with cream sauce... (adding cheese to the sauce, of course. Mmmmm....)

Surviving

Today's English class assingment: spend 4 sessions, 20 minutes each, describing a seashell. I looked at it today, and noticed two main things... very smooth edges, and many many holes in the surface. My sentence to describe it? "The smooth edges of this shell, worn down with time as the shell was unmercifully battered against cruel and unyielding rocks, hide the deep resilience that survives against all odds; growing and evolving through circumstances that shatter so many others."

Oh, and a funny (like, wierd funny) thing? As I typed this, guess what song came on the computer: "I'm A Surivor" by Reba McEntire My favorite lyrics from the song?

"My roots are planted in the past
And though my life is changing fast
Who I am is who I wanna be "

I have more things to share, but I need to finish my session with the shell (we're bonding deeply.), pray, and get some sleep. Nite to all.

Working through working through

Yes, I'm working through the process of working through my emotional issues as I work through my social work homework lol

Since it's rather obvious that I have crap boiling to the surface of my life, and need to get it out in the open where I can deal with it, I'm going to just keep this open and post my random thoughts as I finish reading my article.

"Subsequently, they often deny their own needs because of love and compassion for their parents and a fear of losing them." - It's creepy that I didn't do that so much with my dad, but I DO find myself doing this over and over again for so-called-friends, and for that same reason... I'm afraid they'll leave. "This poses a risk that over-responsibility and co-dependence may occur when the focus is on the needs of others." Hello! That is SO me. How is my picture not right there in the article? LOL



"Learning to step back from triggers of their childhood" - Yeah, I am so going to need to do this. Studying these things, along with the 30 hours of volunteer work required for this class, will be good practice for me.

"They are susceptible to anxiety when stressed and often present with somatic symptoms. They have a high potential for burnout... " - This explains SO MUCH. Reading this article really is making me feel more normal. I've found myself getting burnt out often from kids ministry, and just assumed I was a terrible person. I worry, often, about my ability to survive social work... will I get burnt out?

Well, today's reading was obviously not as fraught with drama and emotion as yesterdays... but now the article has officially been read, and all that's left is the paper to write! Wooo hooo!!!!

Discomfort

I did not realize, until I started reading articles for my first class in my major, how much of my past I was going to need to confront in the next four years. I mean, Social Work is a major where you hear about a lot of abuses of various forms, but I didn't realize how close to home this would hit. I've sat reading an article today about social workers who grew up in alcoholic families, and the effects their upbringing had on their professional life... but first, the article had to explain how abuse in general affects children... the guilt, the shame... the bizarre loyalty to the abuser... It was like the past came right back.

With the anniversary of my dad's death less than a month away, I'm feeling so many emotions... so many of the things I'm reading are bringing me back to the little girl living with Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde... to the fear and the hurts, the disappointments, the longing for a safe place to belong and be happy and free... the little girl who went to school every day, loving her teachers and the thing she learned, but being hated by the other children.

On facebook earlier this week, a girl from my school days contacted me... just asking how I was and catching up. I remember trying SO HARD to make friends with her when she moved to our school in second grade. She was my friend for a WHOLE DAY, and I was so excited... but by the second day, she had found new friends, and didn't want to even stand by me in line anymore. Now she's married with kiddos, and just added me as a friend and commented on my Wall... we're having fun getting re-acquainted.

The past will just NOT stay away right now! LOL What the heck?!

I'm really fighting lonliness right now, and some depression...

And this post is really unfocused, and whiney... and this is basically how I'm feeling at the moment lol

My mind is really muddled today, for whatever reason. I'm going to use that as my excuse for this post not being deeply impacting or even making much sense. I'm tired, both physically and emotionally... So many things going on, my coping skills feel maxed. But tomorrow is a new day, and who knows what it'll bring. Perhaps it will bring... chocolate? LOL

Stretching

This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.

I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.

I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol

The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!

Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!

I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.

And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.

So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 2

Day 2 of Meatless Meals are here:

Today's menu:

Pasta Primavera: James - 7.5 Janet - 7
Lemon Cilantro Corn: James - 9 Janet - 9.8

Lemon Cilantro Corn:
Cook one bag of corn as directed on package. When corn is done, add butter, lemon, and chopped cilantro to taste. It is YUMMY!!!!!

It's so good, i'm even loving the taste of it when I burp.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In other news....

Tomorrow I start college classes to become a social worker!!!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 1

Why am I going vegetarian for the rest of the month?

My church is going on what is called a "Daniel fast." We (hubby and I) are using it not only as a way to sacrifice as we seek more of God, but also as a way to learn to eat a healthier way. Our church generally says that a Daniel fast means avoiding "meats and sweet treats", but I forgot the sweets part and baked cookies. Sooooooo... we're only abstaining from meats.

How is it going so far?

AWESOME! Tonight's menu, with each dish rated on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest:

Eggplant Parmesan - 8.75
Experimental rice pilaf (sorta) with sauce - 1
Garlic cheese bread - 7
Salad - 7
Yogurt with cherry jello flavoring - 6

The yogurt with jello flavoring was shockingly disappointing. I remember us eating that ALL the time when I was a kid. Maybe I should try another flavor.

The eggplant parmesan ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was absolutely blown away by how good it was! And very easy too! Here's how I made it:

1 medium eggplant
1 cup spaghetti sauce (I used Kroger brand 6 cheese)
2 oz shredded cheese
Olive oil

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F
Take 1 medium eggplant, cut off the ends, and cut it into 10 rings.
Cover a baking pan with foil, and brush the foil with olive oil. Place rings of eggplant on the foil, and bake for 20 minutes.

Take rings out of oven, and remove rings from the foil. Brush a fresh coat of olive oil over the foil, and put 5 rings back on the foil. Top each ring with spaghetti sauce, and sprinkle cheese on top. Put another ring on top of each (making a sandwich, more or less), and top with the remaining spaghetti sauce and cheese. Bake another 20 minutes.

Serve with garlic bread and a salad, and you have a FULL, meatless, meal!

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Prep Day

"So, that's a wierd title"

I'm sure that's what you're thinking. Yes, my husband and I are fasting meat for the next 20 days. It seemed insane at the time, and crazed shopping took place today as I realized that tomorrow... we'll go meatless. I headed to my local Farmers Market (a store, not an actual market for farmers... we have one of those here, but only in the summer months.) to see what I could find.

I found bargain bins FULL of veggies and fruit, and was pretty sure that God was showing me some luv. And what did I get?

2 Sweet potatoes
2 Stripey squash
1 Yellow squash
2 Fennel
1 bag carrots
1 bag parsnips
1 head lettuce
1 brocolli
1 eggplant
Uncountable apples (cuz I'm lazy, and there have to be about 15 or so)
3 or more lemons
2 nectarines (or are they tangerines?)

I also bought 2 huge oranges and 3 more tangerines at full price.

And how much did I spend, you might ask?

$9.11

I love the Farmer's Market. *happy sigh*

Now I'm searching through recipe books, planning my menu for the next 20 days... made a bunch of muffins that we can eat for breakfasts (and froze most, because they are made with sugar and wheat bran, and they FERMENT if you keep them in a warm desk drawer in a ziplock over the weekend. WIERD!!!!!)... and I just have to take a moment to thank Tammy V especially for the recipe books she gave me. They've been used sporadically before (in fact, I took Coated Carrots to our company Holiday Party.), but definately getting a thourough usage now! lol Laurel (from Laurel's Kitchen) and I will be having some serious time together in the next few weeks. I'd also like to thank Tammy Durham, who gave me another cookbook, which I'm using to make tomorrow's supper: Roasted Eggplant Parmesan!

My Vacation in Pics

These pics are in reverse order, because that's how blogger put them and i'm wayyyyyyy too lazy to move them all.
I found out that I may get a chance to watch my niece and nephew some Saturdays coming up! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!! Baby time rocks.

K-boy has grown up!!! It's creepy how much he looks like his Uncle James.

I got to love him and hold him and cuddle him... watch him play with his wittle toys and drool all over EVERYTHING.

Nana also got to hold K-boy, who is looking rather Stewie-ish in this pic! LOL

And where did this all happen? At K-girls birthday party of course!!!! She just turned two years old, and look at the look on her face... Aunt Jana loves that kid SO much. Aunt Jana also got her first hug and high five from K-girl that night.

K-girl opened up her presents in her cute wittle dress...

Aunt Jana decided to make her look like an antique photo... with 411 pictures to choose from (all but 50 were from her party lol), I had lots of fun tinkering with pics lol

She got fishies for her birthday, and was SO EXCITED!!!!!!

Baby Flower was born!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Jana got to sit in the waiting room all through the time that Mommy was being induced... and felt her heart plummet when she heard that the doctor had came out, grabbed Daddy, and said he didn't like how the labor was going and he was going to C-section the baby immediately. Nana and Aunt Jana prayed a lot, that Flower would be okay... and she came out perfectly healthy and looking just like her Mommy. Aunt Jana cried a little, she was so happy. So did Nana!

Uncle James looks so natural holding Flower... is this a sign?

Aunt Jana loves holding baby Flower!!!!

Mark and James played 13 Dead End Drive at the family Christmas at my house. Notice that Marks shirt says "I see dumb people." Also notice that Mark is looking at James.

Jakey LOVED making faces at the camera!!!! How can you not love this kid? I mean, really...

He's just so cute! Even when making monster faces!

We adopted a student from Japan for the holidays, and she played Monopoly for the first time!

Mommy and Momma Rita played too, as did Jana and Jakey. Jana got bored WAY before the ADHD (but medicated!) Jakey... is that sad or what?

K-boy was lookin all gangsta in his wittle hat at Nana's house for Christmas!

Jana gave Flower's mommy two goth onesies for Flower, just for fun! Aren't they cute? Jana also bonded with her other sis-in-law, pictured on the left. Scary stuff!!! (And yes, Kim and Jakey were at the family Christmas. DONT. ASK.)

Nana is showing K-girl the Sesame Street books Aunt Jana and Uncle James gave her for Christmas!

Altogether Jana had the best Christmas EVER. Somehow she forgot to upload the New Years Eve pics for this post, so you'll see them later... but this Christmas I really felt like i had a family... two precious neices and one nephew that I'm completely crazy about, family that I argued with, and so on... it was amazingly awesome.

Merry Christmas and Happy Plumbing!

Christmas Eve, going crazy with Christmas preps...

But finally, today, we have a functional toilet! Ours had been leaking and then plugged. Now it FLUSHES!!!!!!! *happy dance*

By the way, WHY would the plumber need to repeatedly use our MICROWAVE? Must ask hubby about this when he gets home from shopping.

Also, I have to rant for a moment about the suckiness of my brother-in-law. We had volunteered to watch his two kids today before the family gathering, and so I decided that since this is the ONLY time the kids (K-Girl, age 2; K-Boy, age 6 months) had even been to my house... I was going to make it special. My brother-in-law was going to drop them off on his way to work (he works 5 minutes from our house), about 2:30... and then I decided that K-Girl and I were going to decorate cookies together. I bought packages of cookie cutters, sprinkles, all the fun stuff my mom and I had when we made cookies together... scrubbed and child-proofed my house... got the cookie dough ready...

And waited...

And waited...

And waited...

2:45 he called... he was running late, and decided to drop the kids off at our aunt's house instead. I am still BEYOND disappointed... I had been talking about this at work, how I was going to make cookies with my niece and was so excited... Grr.

So basically, I will see my neice for maybe 5 minutes, and hold my nephew for a max of 2 minutes before the aunts (who see the kids all the time) take him out of my arms...

People suck.

Christmas Music?

Hey, I'm downloading Christmas music for our Christmas party at my house, and was wondering if you all have any faves?

The Friendship Game

Or

Not ALL of my friends suck.

(Don't you love those cute little retro book titles? "John and the Painful Adventure, or, Never Tease a Grisly Bear" hehe)

This weekend was bad... I already posted to you about one friend lying to me and taking advantage of me... another one said something to me that was just... TOTALLY out of bounds. I was beginning to wonder why I bothered with friendships at all, if this was all I was going to get out of it...

And then a different friend came over. She saw I was upset, and asked what was wrong... listened to me rant, shared my anger at the situation... and then when I was done we talked about her problems. She also offered to help decorate my house with me for Christmas! I felt all kinds of loved, and realized that no, not all my friends suck. Just most. lol

So, you're probably asking yourself, "why doesn't Jana make new friends who don't suck so badly?" I asked myself that question too, and will now analyze the reasons:

1. I was a sucky friend in the past, and still see myself that way. I was selfish, and sometimes downright emotionally/verbally abusive to friends in the past. I still know that I have potential to hurt people this way again... and tell myself I don't deserve friends because of it. HOWEVER... although I have potential to hurt people, I don't do it... I don't even yell at them when they DO deserve it! lol

2. My house is not clean and has so many (big) problems, I'm embarassed to invite anyone over. This is completely true, and partially unavoidable. My house DOES have big problems, but most of them are in rooms guests don't enter. The only remaining severe problems are in the bathroom... (the seal beneath the toilet broke AGAIN. *sigh) and we have reached the point where we are calling a plumber on Monday. The toilet will be fixed, and we're going to price having the tub/sink piping redone and finding & replacing the leaky hot water pipe. For the first time in a year, we may be able to take real showers! *happy dance* And the cleaning? I just need to get the house clean, and see how clean I can keep it. If I do my best, and it's still not clean, then people will just have to love me anyway lol But I believe I DO have the ability to keep my house clean, I just have to teach myself how to do it.

3. I'm wierd, and I always say the wrong thing. This is probably true, and unavoidable. Especially with the stresses in my life at the moment, my mind and mouth don't always have the filter they are supposed to have between them. I may loose some friends because of this... but they would be true friends if that happened, now would they?

Okay, I'm sure there are more reasons buried deep inside my little psyche... but I need to finish the dishes and get my lazy butt to bed. Nite everyone!!!!!

The Intervention

So, how did my intervention go? I waited until the drive home, because I didn't want to ruin the trip... I didn't call her on the lie, but I did tell her that as of mid-Feb, whether she decided to spend her tax money on a car or not, I was done giving rides (except to church, and then only to church and food on the way). I explained that I needed to know that people like me for who I am and not what I do, and that I didn't want to be always asking myself if I was being taken advantage of.

She asked why I was waiting so long. LOL (I told her because I didn't want to tell her that when I knew she wouldn't have money to change her situation until Feb.)

Along the way, I realized why I keep a friend who is so obviously dysfunctional in my life...

Because I can be myself with her. Completely, totally myself, 95% of the time. She and James are the only people in my life that I feel this way with. With others I'm performing, striving to be good enough, to be accepted, to be what everyone wants. Since this friendship is so dysfunctional, I don't NEED to be accepted... because I'm needed. No matter what I do, I'll always be valued... because I'm needed. And even if I wasn't needed... this particular friend is almost always okay with me being completely, wholeheartedly, me. She gets when I don't want to talk, when I just want to stay in my house, when I compulsively crochet as I listen to her talk (and she knows that YES, I am listening). She doesn't think I'm wierd when I say something stupid or backwards... She gets that I'm sometimes restless and moody... and although sometimes she makes me want to throw objects, other times being with her is one of the most relaxing things in my life.

I'll be analyzing the friendship issue further throughout this weekend.

What the Heck?

Picture this...

You are willing taking a friend Christmas shopping, because has no motivation to learn to drive and is dependant on others. You tell her that you will drive the 15 minutes to get her, the 30 minutes to the shopping center, and then reverse all of that. You are never offered gas money. Your ownly stipulation is that you go late late at night, to 24 hour stores, to avoid the crowd.

Your friend texts to see if you are still planning to go. When you say yes, she tells asks if you can go early because her mom said a big storm was coming. You check the local TV station, Intellicast, and Accuweather, and see no storm. You text back saying this, and your friend says she just wanted to go earlier so you could take her to the dollar tree.

The more I think about this, the more REALLY angry I'm feeling. I really, really, really, hate being lied too.

Soooo... to salvage the friendship, we're going to have a bit of an "intervention" tonight. The kind of intervention where a friend is told "If you don't use your tax money to get a car and driving lessons, there will be no more rides for you, ANYWHERE, except church (cuz I do that for God's benefit, not yours, douchebag.) because your blatant abuse of my driving ability is making me want to commit acts of senseless violence against you feel really angry inside."

We'll see how this goes, and report back.

Jana standing up for self - take 2!! *film take thingy snapping closed and episode beginning*

Sad Today

So today I'm feeling sad, and angry... not really sure why.

Is it the holidays? Probably... but added to it is the fact that today was one of those days where I could not do ANYTHING right. A coworker lost confidence in me. The temp hired by our department may be promoted to a position above me, since I don't have my degree. I asked my Spanish-speaking coworker if we could speak Spanish occasionally, and she replied as she would to a small, slightly retarded child.

I just want to sit and quietly cry my eyes out... but I have no idea what is REALLY wrong that's why I'm so sensitive to all of this. I know that anything that even mildly reminds me of homes and hugs and love makes me wanna break into happy emotional tears...

And now, even in the time I've taken to type this, the mood has started to pass... wierd, eh??? Met up with some old friends on Facebook, read a funny story on a Spanish-learning website, and starting to break out of my funk.

Moods are weird.