Today, I feel like a tight little ball of emotional repression. My head hurts, I have no energy, and all I feel is a vague sense of sadness. I'm angry at my cousin again... she sends and e-mail attacking me, I reply, and it's been DAYS and no reply from her AT ALL. I know, it hasn't been that many days. And I know, I should be more patient. (I can't even spell that word, let alone act it out hahaha) But I'm upset, and it's eating at me. What if she doesn't reply? What if she stores all her inner anger and lets it all out at the next family holiday? What if she does and I loose it? I don't loose it. I never loose it. I'm ALWAYS IN CONTROL. I have no idea what would happen if I lost control of the anger. My reaction Monday scared me to death... I was HYSTERICAL! IN PUBLIC!!!! (and then cried uncontrolably for an hour, and at random intervals throughout this week) At my mom, who I love more than anyone else in this world! What on earth will happen if I loose control at a cousin, who I love but not that much?! I never loose control. Even when I'm angry, it's because I ALLOW the anger to surface. I am always still IN CONTROL.
I'm terrified of what resides inside me.
Categories: Anger, Depression, Family
2 comments:
Jana, cousin D has been working some crazy hours this week and told me last night on the phone she hasn't had time to respond to it. She knows your upset, and said she hoped to get a chance to sit down and send you something back over the weekend. One word for you and it is: relaxe!! Something else, no one is always in control and when you bottle all that stuff up, it's gonna come out somewhere, like headaches and other physical symptoms you are having today. Hang in there ok?
Whoa! Sweetie take a deep breath and try to relax... I know you are going through a lot right now and I am sure you will find the peace you are seeking.
Don't worry about your cousin's reply, when it happens it happens. Until then just let the Love of Jesus shine down upon you.
Peace be still. I promise with God in control you won't "lose it."
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