AEDM Day 7 - Darkness and Light

AEDM Day 7 was much better than day 6, probably due to the 11 hours of sleep I got last night!  Had a draining week this week, and I feel like the contrast between the light and cheerful paper beads I made today (which I think will end up being part of a necklace...) and the black jacket they are on are rather symbolic.

The war against seasonal depression continues to rage.  I'm not sure if my life is more stressful than normal or if I am not handling it as well, but either way I'm struggling.  Pondering going to the doctor for medication but not sure it is worth the risk of side effects, Yet,

In spite of all of the darkness, there is beauty hiding in the midst. Conversations that encourage me, traditions with friends, my favorite flavor of Smirnoff Ice (grape, yummy), warm chili made hotter with habenero hot sauce, cuddles with a baby, being claimed by small children as "MINE" and don't you dare say I belong to you instead, the bond with my cat mysteriously deepening, music set just for creating...

Life is good. Genuinely, amazingly, beautifully good.  In the darkest of night, the bright lights sparkle all the brighter.

Darkness and Light

Darkness descends

I feel my way, depression a weight on my feet

I struggle, trying to peer through the darkness

My feet a vague shape in the black night

I trip, my hands dirty and cold from the mud

My clothes and skin torn by thorns I can't see

A moment of frustration,

I lift my head to curse at the heavens

And see a sky full of stars 

The beauty of the heavens, there all the time

Hiding above my glance

AEDM - Day 6 - Sleepy Scarfing

So my crafting mission for day 6 did not go as planned. I laid down, told myself I was just going to sleep for a little nap... and woke up about 5 hours later.  After midnight.  After all my goals for the day (Spanish every day at Duolingo - I was on a streak of about 48 days of faithfully learning Spanish, AEDM, writing a poem...) were all past their deadline.

I'm really serious about my goals this time, however, and chose not to let my setback take me back.  I got up this morning, went to my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game, and started working on a scarf I had started a while back.  I got a lot done, and then managed to leave my book with the pattern at home when I dropped off my D&D stuff and went to a friend's house for the rest of the weekend.  Oh well, maybe my husband will get it when he goes home to feed the cats tomorrow.

Determination

Struggling day after day

Clawing your way upward

Obstacles coming into your path

Stones falling 

Bloodied hands

Each inch gained a small miracle

AEDM Day 5 - Mirrors, Mirrors, Everywhere!

I want to hide, to sleep

Running as fast as I can

From the darkness inside me

Today I added to yesterday's attempts at a mirror, and started one in watercolor.  Tomorrow I leave for a weekend with friends, and will not be bringing any paints with me - I may attempt mirrors with colored pencils and a sketch pad and some templates for the design I want to do on the mirror, or I may not.  Who knows.

Had a pretty crappy day, so I'm not really in the mood to post anything deep. I think I'll go snuggle with the hubby and at least watch the beginning of V for Vendetta.  Remember, remember, the 5th of November!

AEDM Day 4 - Reflections Part 1

Looking inside

my soul opened up

the reflection in the mirror

taunting me with it's mistakes.

A recurring theme in my life lately has been regret and shame.  I have dealt with many things in my life by avoiding looking back at things I would regret, but time after time I find myself face to face with the person I was, and the mistakes I've made.  I'm slowly making peace with that... very slowly.  The woman in my mirror had a rough road. She's bruised and scarred, strong and powerful.  She's made mistake after mistake, fallen time after time, and gotten back up and carried on.  She's better because of the lesson's she has learned and the hurts she's felt.  Still I avoid the mirror like the plague, trying to pretend the mistakes never happened and missing the strength and power that grew from the ashes of my mistakes.

Perhaps it is time to change all that...

(I was not sure how to best express this idea, so I started by making the mirror in different mediums to see how they would work. I want to try watercolor as well. )

AEDM Day 3 - Creating SPACE

Today I didn't make any art to speak of, or did I?  I cleaned my house, did a ton of laundry, and made myself a tiny little creative area!  Out of energy, so no poetry or other art today - all I want to do is take a nap at this point!!!

Pieces - AEDM Day 2

Shattered pieces,

lives in ruin.

A few months to repair,

what took a lifetime to tear down.

Beads in My Hand - AEDM Day 1

 Beads in My Hand

Darkness

My soul slowly dying

Brown like the leaves

Cold like the the wind

Chills in my depth

Light

Bright-colored beads

A circus of colors 

Cheerful, vibrant

Warm

Alive

I have a history of seasonal depression. From being kept inside as a sickly kid in the fall and winter, to some pretty traumatic events as an adult, fall leaves and shivery temperatures bring me down,  This year I feel like I'm struggling more even than usual.  Nothing major - the health problems I've been dealing with (and still have no real diagnosis for) have gotten better since I stopped eating gluten.  I'm feeling less nausea and slowly (VERY slowly) I feel my energy raising... but I'm down. Down more than my friends or even my husband knows. (Not because I have hidden anything - maybe because I thought it would pass, or not realized how down I am.)  Down because a mistake I made this year in my family has torn it apart, and the holidays mean I can't avoid or ignore the situation.  Down because sometimes work feels freaking hopeless, dealing with situations where all the kings horses and all the kings men just can't fix the damage done to a child or put a family back together. Down because I have missed church for longer than I care to admit, and while I long to get close to God again, I have absolutely no desire to spend time with his people.  

Just... down.  So this year, more than ever, I'm really glad for AEDM.  I'm glad for a whole month of beautiful, happy, bright color in my life - for the vibrant displays of joy and pain and just LIFE that AEDM brings to us.  

(And just as a disclaimer - I'm not depressed enough to pose a danger to myself or others. If I am ever that depressed, I will tell people in my real life.  I have very little shame, it will be plastered over my Facebook wall if I get to that point.)

Connecting?

So I have been out of the blogging life for a while, and I feel like it is much harder to connect than it used to be.  I find blog after blog where people are posting away with absolutely no comments on their posts.  Where once there used to be tribes, people supporting one another and growing together - I now hear crickets chirping, and the general sound of.... nothing.  What is the deal?  

Full

Have you ever had a day where you feel like you are just full - to capacity, maybe over capacity - to the point that you can't even pull one thought out without 900 others crashing to the floor on a pile? That is me today.  Or maybe everyday.  In the course of the day I see so much, protect myself from feeling so much.  By the time I get home I want to just vomit the day out, onto a page or a painting or something or ANYTHING... but there is so much and how do I even begin to get it out there and even if I did, who on earth would be able to make sense of it?

So today I am deliberately disconnecting, playing a mindless video game for the short space of time I am home because the husband is already in bed and I just have so much crap in my head that I just need to let my brain rest for a minute. 

Evolution?

All my life, ALL my life, I have been afraid of snakes.  From the time I was little, I would have told you the thing I was most afraid of was snakes.  I come from a long line of snake-fearers, and have fun memories of my aunt telling me stories of her run-ins with snakes as well.  I hid my eyes away from snakes on movies, refused to walk into the reptile section of any exhibit, and just generally felt terror at the thought of slithering.

In he past couple of years though, I noticed that I was becoming afraid of spiders too.  8 legs, all hairy... what is not to fear, ya know?  *shudder*

But imagine my shock last week when I realized that spiders had risen to the position of "chief phobia"!!  I'm not sure if it was my viewing of more and more snakeys in nature/travel documentaries, or my unfortunate exposure to a friend's tarantula pics (it was eating things... and touching them with its hairy legs... *shudder*) popping up unexpectedly on my FB feed... but suddenly slithering does not seem all that threatening in comparison.

My world has been completely rocked by this.

I celebrate this amazing change in my life with a picture of a snakey that is actually kind of beautiful. I would NEVER have guessed those words could have come out of my mouth (or... fingers.) but this little guy has all the colors of a sunset!

Banned Books?

I could not believe my ears as I sat in the Banned Books Week celebration at our campus library a few years ago.

Lord of the Rings...

A Wrinkle in Time...
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn...

Books that I considered classics, books I had read as an innocent child (okay, innocent-ish. I was pretty warped, even as a youngling), had been BANNED?  I was shocked and, well, a little intrigued! What other books had been banned? Why were they banned?! 

As is my custom, however, I was quickly distracted by something shiny... until a few weeks ago, when Banned Book Week came around again.  I found this link, and decided I really need to catch up on some of these!  And just when I thought things could not get any better, I found this link, which has a list of banned books that actually helped shape American history! 

That was it, I had a new project.  I am now working on making my way through as many of these as I can! What am I starting with? Well, since they are on my bookshelf... I am starting with To Kill a Mockingbird, Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, or 1984.  (But probably not 1984. I brought it to a friend's house to read, and... well... not sure what house it is living at anymore.) 

Anyone else intrigued by the concept of reading banned books?  What is your favorite banned book? (Myself, I am partial to A Wrinkle in Time!)  And if you are wondering what others may be reading - check out Friday Finds, a weekly book meme! 

Exhausted

I feel vulnerable, like the world under me is shifting and I am tossing my body from side to side, struggling to stay upright.  The emotions that I have repressed for more than a year are making themselves known, and I feel overwhelmed by the feelings I am trying to embrace instead of run from.

Even in the midst of the storm, the dark clouds and then gusts of wind threatening to knock me off my feet - I know that I can't go back to hiding from my life.  I will face it for as long as I can, giving myself permission to hide only when I just can't face any more, and then emerging from the hiding place as soon as I can.

One day, I will not need to hide - and that makes days like today worth writing about.  One day I will read this, and remember the low moments on my journey, and be proud of how far I've come. 

Always Connect

I decided to look around on Pinterest tonight in search of some inspiration on the subject of connecting with others.  This one really resonated with me, because when I look back at my life post-high school, I have a lot of regrets... and almost all of these regrets center around missed or neglected connections with others.  I want to live my life differently in the future - really connecting with others. 

Connection

The theme of my life lately has been connection. I found a book in July, which I would tell you the name of but... where the heck is it?  Anyway, it's about connection, and as you can tell I have not gotten too far in the book. Like... 2 pages. Literally.  That is how well my journey to connecting with others has gone lately. 

I really struggle with letting myself be touched emotionally.  I'm okay with touching others - sharing my pain, my struggle, my humanity... but I am not AT ALL okay with being touchable.  I don't want to leave my house after work.  I don't want to spend time with people.  Some would say this is depression, but honestly - it is me. My earliest social memories involve me making excuses why I did not want to go with my little cousin on great adventures that I knew I would LOVE if I went.  I made excuses so I could stay alone in my house while my parents were working.  Do my chores, then read a book or watch TV or whatever... with no pressure. No working to be what others wanted.  No working to hide emotions that were too intense for the adults in my life to deal with.  Just... being. 

And here I am, years later... my lights are off in my apartment, and I'm alone.  I could talk on FB to friends, or text them, but I would rather not. I could invite a friend over (dear Lord, no, don't even get me started on why people need to stay the heck away from my safe place!), go to a friend's home, or take a friend and go do something I love... but no.  No I am just fine where  am.  Lonely? Yeah... I'd be lying if I said I was not lonely.  I'm just not lonely enough to deal with the stress/risks/demands/drama that social interactions entail.  Guilt for not being more "loveable" is intense - not being a better daughter/wife/friend is overwhelming, and that pressure just makes me want to hide that much more!

I'm getting there. I'm experimenting with slow increases in how I connect with those around me.  Trying to really be present when I am with others, instead of hiding in my emotional "happy place" behind a wall.  Trying to turn off the computer/tv/netflix and really listen when people talk.  

It's a struggle... but I feel like to have the marriage I want, the life I want, I need to get past this wall I put up. How to get past it? Well, one brick at a time sounds like a good start! 

Still alive

Wow. It has been so long since I blogged. Lots of reasons for that - worries that my blog will be used against me in court at work... emotionally worn out from spending so much time connecting with others... and general avoidance of the areas in my life that could use some help or growth.

But I really miss having a "tribe", so I have been tossing around the idea of blogging again.  First though, I need to give you all some updates about life here. 

1. I have been at my job for over a year now! I love it when I have time to really connect with my clients, but the system has us overloaded with cases and red tape to the point that it is hard to find time.

2. I have really been struggling with infertility. If we can't get pregnant, my husband may not be willing to foster like I dream of, and that is hard as hell for me to swallow.

3. I am feeling drawn to connect with people - really connect. I generally hide inside myself, carefully guarding what comes into and out of me. The journey to connect will certainly be... interesting.

4. I have been pondering the motives I have for never getting my house clean, and how having a messy house gives me a "sheild" against letting people into my life. Deep deep stuff.

Soooooooo now I am wondering - what is new in your life?

AEDM Day 5

A friend at work basically told me the project I made yesterday was not art, because it didn't express my feelings. After I restrained my inner child, I pondered what feelings art might look like.

Today was a pretty bad day at work, and my mood was black. Anger in me, heartbreak in others, depression in coworkers... My feelings were not the happiest. Oh well, black feelings are probably the funnest to draw.

At the end, even the kitten jumped in (literally) and joined the fun.

AEDM Day 4

I decided to participate in Art Every Day Month. Here is my first attempt to paint using a kit, and my first attempt to blog by phone.

Age 9

Age 9 was a defining season in my life.  My mom had started working, leaving me home with my father.  It was a HUGE adjustment for me. I went from visiting my grandparents almost every weekend to rarely visiting, and I distinctly remember my aunt asking me if that was because I was afraid I would miss time with my mom - and answering yes.

I felt completely abandoned - and in reality, I WAS abandoned. My mom left me at home with a man who was mentally ill - a man who would fly into rages, threatening to kill us all. My mom left me with him, completely unprotected. How could she do that?!  I could have died.

It was in this season of my life that I first remember contemplating suicide. I was with my grandma at a ladies aid dinner/workday, and I remember going outside to just be by myself. My eye had been having a wierd pain (I still have them sometimes. No idea why.) and I was terrified I would go blind - too terrified to even tell anyone that it hurt.

I stood out on their enclosed porch area, watching the rain falling, and just wished I was dead. I was 9 years old, and I already felt that life was not worth living.  Sometimes I want to just weep for that 9 year old, and hug her and keep her safe. It wasn't fair what she had to see, what she had to hear, what she had to protect herself from. 23 years later, that girl still whispers in my ear.  In the dark times, when I'm just tired inside, I still hear her quietly saying "I just wanna die."

Bubbling Up

Under the surface I feel pain

A vague bubble

The weight of a thousand hurts

The sadness of others

 

A scream? A cry?

Emotions like a dark bubble

 

nameless

 

I grasp for them

they slide though my fingers

pulsing, throbing

waiting to explode

 

Awake

Last week, I was asked a question.

What would I feel, if I stopped overeating?   Or, another way of saying it - what feelings am I trying to avoid through food.

It's a scary question... and it led me down a scary road. I began to look at my life, and see how many things I was doing in order to not feel.  I was overeating. I was consuming insane amounts of entertainment. I had something going on every minute of the day - a book, TV, the computer... anything and everything, so I didn't have to think, didn't have to feel.

Then I took a medicine that gave me nausea. I couldn't overeat. My computer broke, and I couldn't lose myself in a computer game. There was absolutely nothing on my TV. 

In one night, ONE. NIGHT., I came awake. I began to think, and think, and think, and think, and think.  I couldn't stop my brain. I thought when I did homework. I thought when I played a game on my phone. I thought when I laid down to sleep. My mind would not stop.  And today... I began to feel. Life kind of collapsed around me, I did something stupid, and my mind would not stop rehashing the event and its consequences.

I have not thought and felt that much in a long time... and it was intense, and painful, and just generally... intense. Yeah. Intense.

I know my life could be SOOOOO much more if I let myself stay awake... but I don't know if I can take the emotions. Everything hurts so deeply when you are really awake. It's so hard to stay in balance when you are awake.  I really really really don't like these feelings... but I really really really love having passion again. 

Life is so complicated. I just want an emotional nap.