Age 9 was a defining season in my life. My mom had started working, leaving me home with my father. It was a HUGE adjustment for me. I went from visiting my grandparents almost every weekend to rarely visiting, and I distinctly remember my aunt asking me if that was because I was afraid I would miss time with my mom - and answering yes.
I felt completely abandoned - and in reality, I WAS abandoned. My mom left me at home with a man who was mentally ill - a man who would fly into rages, threatening to kill us all. My mom left me with him, completely unprotected. How could she do that?! I could have died.
It was in this season of my life that I first remember contemplating suicide. I was with my grandma at a ladies aid dinner/workday, and I remember going outside to just be by myself. My eye had been having a wierd pain (I still have them sometimes. No idea why.) and I was terrified I would go blind - too terrified to even tell anyone that it hurt.
I stood out on their enclosed porch area, watching the rain falling, and just wished I was dead. I was 9 years old, and I already felt that life was not worth living. Sometimes I want to just weep for that 9 year old, and hug her and keep her safe. It wasn't fair what she had to see, what she had to hear, what she had to protect herself from. 23 years later, that girl still whispers in my ear. In the dark times, when I'm just tired inside, I still hear her quietly saying "I just wanna die."
I felt completely abandoned - and in reality, I WAS abandoned. My mom left me at home with a man who was mentally ill - a man who would fly into rages, threatening to kill us all. My mom left me with him, completely unprotected. How could she do that?! I could have died.
It was in this season of my life that I first remember contemplating suicide. I was with my grandma at a ladies aid dinner/workday, and I remember going outside to just be by myself. My eye had been having a wierd pain (I still have them sometimes. No idea why.) and I was terrified I would go blind - too terrified to even tell anyone that it hurt.
I stood out on their enclosed porch area, watching the rain falling, and just wished I was dead. I was 9 years old, and I already felt that life was not worth living. Sometimes I want to just weep for that 9 year old, and hug her and keep her safe. It wasn't fair what she had to see, what she had to hear, what she had to protect herself from. 23 years later, that girl still whispers in my ear. In the dark times, when I'm just tired inside, I still hear her quietly saying "I just wanna die."
2 comments:
Oh Jana
I want to hold that little you too and tell her to come and play at my house with Daniel
x0x0x
Im pleased you didnt carry out that plan I would never have gotten to know you though here
I know what you mean. I went through some terrible stuff too as a kid and for a long time, I just wanted to die. But that goes away after breaking free from that horrible chapter of the past. Hugs to you, Jana. Hang in there!
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