Out of Control

Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores.  The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart. 

Yesterday I almost had to do it again. 

I feel so fragile right now.  I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I.  I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer.  I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.

I'm afraid that I'm pregnant.  I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong?  Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost?  I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared.  What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant?  I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time? 

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest. 

I can't sleep at night.  I sleep late in the day.  I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up. 

I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?

I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me.  She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive.  I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again. 

So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility. 

This bites.

The best laid plans...

The best laid plans NEVER work, so why do I try?  *dramatic sigh*

This weekend, I made a to-do list for each day this week.  Since I don't have a new daily planner yet, this is a good way for me to not forget appointments, keep track of what I need to do each day, etc...

Or it would be...

If I actually looked at the to-do lists.

This week and last week both went insane, and the to-do lists were totally lost in the shuffle.  For example: Sunday night I had a horrible IBS flare-up, which pretty much knocked me out of commission for a day.  Then, I couldn't sleep Monday night.  Or Tuesday night.  And not a whole lot last night either.  I'm now kind of a walking zombie... who is caring for a friend's 8-year old son for two days because his babysitter (aka his aunt) is having drama in her life and would be mean to him. 

So yeah, this week did not go AT ALL as planned. 

But really... was it all bad?  Nope.  When a friend asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her, we talked and bonded, and I crocheted components for a bracelet.  When I was invited to a party with just a few hours notice, I got to hug and cuddle a new baby (he is only 10 days old!) and I ended up selling a broach and getting an alteration order, plus I will be making another broach and a bracelet in the future for another woman.  I was also asked if I could embroider flowers.  I of course replied that I could not, but would be learning soon :o)

So, my total profits for sure from that unexpected event will be $16.  The other broach and bracelet should get me $11 more, plus several of the women seemed interested in the bracelets.  Not bad for a party I wanted to go to anyway lol 

In sad news, I'm wayyyyyyy behind in my alterations, and have to send an apology message to a customer.  That always stinks.  I think when she sees the finished product though, she will be more than happy. 

So, there you have it... I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion, and my to-do lists are not at all working... but my house is freakishly clean, my laundry is done, my customers are mostly happy, and an 8-year old is happily playing Lego Star Wars in my living room.  Life is pretty awesomely good. 

Owwies and Originals

So yesterday I as going about my daily life, when I had a horrible horrible pain in my stomach.  A long long time ago, when I was 17, I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome after having similar horrendous pains.  I watched my diet now, and generally had only mild problems. This week I'd been particularly good, and not consumed any soda whatsoever... so I'm a little perplexed as to why the pains came.  They're both good and bad... bad, obviously, because THEY HURT. Good, however, because I feel so supported by the community at my apartment.  Two friends asked if I needed any help, and one offered to stay with me, let me stay with her, and even do my laundry if I couldn't.  Very very awesome. 

Another good thing is that this has slowed me down, and helped me to focus a little more on my craft business.  Believe it or not, right now my crafts are not the main part of my business - alterations are.  I don't know how long I'll be able to keep them up... right now I'm spending a lot of time for a little money... but I am hoping that by the time school starts and my time is much more scarce, I will be able to do the alterations much more quickly.  For now, I'm enjoying the process of learning and earning some $ in the process.

AND, the coolest thing, is that I've been asked to MAKE a shirt... something I really want to do anyway.  Now, before I make one for the client, I will make one for myself in a different fabric.  I can show her what MY almost-original design will actually look like in real life, so she knows what she is buying, and I will be able to tell her with confidence that I CAN make the shirt. 

All in all, life is good right now. 

Except for the pain.  LOL

Blah

Ever have a day when you just feel blah?? Yeah, today is one of those days for me.  I want to sleep... curl up in a tiny tiny ball and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  

Does this mean I'm pregnant?  I don't know.  Part of me is afraid to hope, but part of me is so so so hopeful.  I'm tired, I'm queasy... is it a virus? Is it stress? Or could it be a tiny little Jana or little James, swimming around? 

This question drives me crazy.

Random Question...

I've been doing a lot of cooking of Arabic foods lately...

Would anyone be interested in me putting up some recipes or instructions?

Poor Mr. Beloved

So Mr. Beloved is staying home from work sick again today... he has a high fever (101.?), he has thrown up, and has a horrible headache.  I told him if he isn't better when I wake up, we're going to the doctor.  I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I'm thinking it's heat exhaustion.  His job is in a very hot building, the heat index in Indiana has been over 100, and his car isn't air conditioned... I think it was just too hot, he's been drinking too little water, and he did to much. 

Poor Guy.

So my best-laid plans for the week are gone... I can't clean the room my husband is sleeping in (my plan for today), or do a photo shoot with the little girl modeling my hairthings which was my plan for today (hubby may need to go to the doctor.)... I'm not sure I will even be able to go to Walmart to restock my craft supplies...

But as long as the Beloved is better, it's all worth it.

Poor Guy. 

Gettin' Down to Bizness!

Wondering how my craft business is going?  Well, it may not seem like it has been going much of anywhere... I've been really busy doing alterations and such here.  Underneath the craziness, though, I have been making some slow but sure progress.  What have I been doing? Well...

Let me show you.

I've made a new business card/ hairclip holder for my crocheted hair clips.

I made a fun new design for handmade business cards... which I love dearly.  I need to print or order some other ones once I find the business card paper i have... but for now I'm having a blast with these.

My friend came over tonight and we brainstormed ideas for jewelry.  I'd love to know what you think!!

Bracelet #1

 Earing #1

Heart Earring

Double heart earrings - do you think these would look better without the beads?  I'm thinking so...

 Earring #2

Earring #3 - My personal favorite!

 Earring #4

So what do you think?  Which one do you like the most?

Transformation

My life is changing in so many ways, and today the emotional dam finally broke, and I had myself a good healing crying/writing/praying session. 

Life has been crazy, spinning out of control.  The craft business and new friendships and preparations to try to get pregnant have completely overwhelmed me. I made a budget and promptly lost it... no idea where it went.   I've buried myself in Facebook games and mindless activities, hiding from my life and my emotions...

But thank God today is a new day, a new start...

I'm going to make to-do lists for each day this week, with goals for what I want to do.

I'm going to say no sometimes, and make everyone deal with it.

I'm going to make sure to schedule time with God, my husband, and my closest friends.  They are my sources of strength.

I'm going to try and keep things clean so I don't have to feel overwhelmed, because that's really driving me crazy!

On a random note, can you believe I haven't had Diet Coke/Pepsi in several weeks???  I'm so proud of myself for that... slowly but surely getting my body ready for a baby.  And for once, I'm feeling really hopeful about that.

Hiding Behind My Cushions

If my life continues along it's present course, I may have to make that the title of my blog. 

95% of my new friends have children.  Most of these children are young... and some are very young.  So my house is randomly invaded by small children, including my beloved niece Poopers (age 2.5) and her brother Stevenito (age 1 next week.)  I also have a wierd amount of friends and neighbors with four-year-olds, which is a lot of fun.  Buttttttt the problem is the little guys.  Cuz, being a woman with no children, my house is not exactly childproof. 

Did I mention that I sew and crochet?  Yeah.  This means I have needles, pins, and scissors.  EVERYWHERE. 

So tonight when my friend brought her 2 year old to my house, I found my house running to hide a lot of things.  A LOT of things.  Controllers for the Xbox, breakable picture frames, crafts I've made, etc.   Eventually I learned that the simplest way to deal with this situation was when LittleGuy grabbed a forbidden object, I would grab it from him, distract him, and hide it behind my couch cushion. 

By the end of the night, I had quite the little collection going.  A phone, a controller, scissors, crayons, random crafts,.... and so on and so forth. 

Can you imagine what will happen when we have children?  LOL  I'll have an entire house full of stuff, all hidden behind two couch cushions! 

For a reason beyond my comprehension, this makes me feel very amused. 

Buried

What should I write about?

I really hate that question.  I'm trying to blog faithfully, but I feel like all of the emotions and deep things I would like to blog about are buried deep down inside.  I actually feel like somewhere deep underneath all that is going on now and all that I am thinking and feeling on the surface, I'm crying inside.  I feel lonely, but I don't want to call anyone.  I want connection, but I'm afraid of it at the same time. I want to make myself too busy for friendship, but I want friends... I just don't want to be rejected or have drama.  Friends stress me out when I'm not medicated... the work that goes into making all of my friends happy is overwhelming sometimes.

I know, I know... I don't need to make everyone happy... but having someone unhappy with me feels very uncomfortable for me.  It goes against every fiber of my being.

Maybe I should practice making people unhappy, just for fun.  Anyone want to be my victim? hehehehe

Frustration!

So life has definately changed here... and I don't know how I feel about it.

I love/hate not working and studying.  I love not needing to leave the house, but I miss the social interactions with classmates and I miss the structure my days had. 

I don't know if it's the fact that I have less social interactions, or if it is the fact that I'm not longer on "happy pills," but I feel very vulnerable.  I am much more worried about rejection from my husband and friends here, and really feel insecure. 

I know that this is the path my life is supposed to take... I know that the things I'm doing this summer (making my craft business, getting off happy pills, changing how we eat, etc.) are steps vital to the next steps in my life...

But they are SO. FREAKIN. HARD. 

My friends are fighting with some other neighbors.  Maybe they are mad because I'm not fighting with them... maybe they aren't... maybe they are mad that I told one of the "enemies" that the dryers on the 4th floor are currently free... or maybe they aren't mad at all.  I thought the two of the women in the unit beside me would be my close friends... but one stopped talking to me and the other... well, I thought we were closer than we were, and I ranted to her about another person (she seems to be a huge pain in my but, so I will give her an official name on my blog... we will call her... EvilNeighbor.)... maybe she told the other person what I said (should have kept my mouth shut, I know.) or maybe she didn't, but she doesn't seem to show any desire for a deeper friendship... or maybe she doesn't think she can trust me, because I ranted to her about EvilNeighbor.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH social life is driving me crazy.  And EvilNeighbor is driving me crazy. What the heck... why can't people just live at peace with others???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay, that may have made no sense... but I'm so freakin' insecure, which was my point.  I know that the amazingly confident Jana who I was on meds is still in here... the dose of pills was so small, it cant' have changed me that completely... so somehow I just need to reach the person inside, the Jana who is calm and confident, the Jana who took all of this social crap in stride and didn't worry about it.... 

So how do I reach her?   

Going to Facebook!

So I thought I should let you all know that my craft business is officially on Facebook!  Check it out here if you would like: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Janas-Jewelz/210716602294053

What the Heck????

Okay, twice I have tried to post a blog post, and Internet Explorer hasn't let me post it. The first time it was just a minor annoyance... I opened Firefox, and posted it there. Life was good, right?

The second time, I tried to do the same thing... a little more annoyed... but when I tried to copy the text to paste it into Firefox, IT ERASED THE WHOLE STUPID POST!!!!!!!

What the heck?????? So I will be looking today for a solution, because Firefox is not my normal browswer and I'm annoyed to have to us it just because stupid Blogger won't work.

Grr.

 

And while we are on the subject of "what the heck?", I have to tell you about my wonderful best friend/neighbor... Before I moved here, my former friend from Morocco had introduced me to some of her friends from other countries.  I met one from Libya, one from Lebanon, and one from Saudi Arabia.  The one from Saudi Arabia and I started working with each other on English and Arabic, and we became good friends.  I was annoyed to have to drive across town to her house though... so when we decided to give the Mold Cube back to the bank, and had to move... her apartment complex (which was also wayyyyyyyy cheaper than most apartments) was one of the places we investigated. 

 

Totally the best decision, ever.  We moved here, and I love it. (Mr. Beloved hasn't really stated an opinion.)  I've met people from all over the world here... my neighbors on my floor are from India, America, Saudi Arabia, China, and Korea I think...  I've also seen people here from Libya, Kenya and Nepal!  How cool is that???  Small Arabic children randomly swarm when they see me, screaming "Jan-nette!" and giving me hugs.

 

And the friend from Saudi Arabia?  She has totally achieved best friend status now.  We do almost everything together, but we have tried to let the friendship grow slowly because we don't want drama.  She has four absolutely amazing kids, who I dearly love.  We have had fun conversations about everything, even comparing the story of Jesus in the Bible and Quran.  She has taught me to cook amazing deserts and meals, and told me all of the secrets to living in this apartment complex ( Good people, bad people, cleanup before pest control, and free washers on the fourth floor!)  Oh, and when my neice and my nephew visit, she totally saves my sanity... her kids come over at night to wear the neice and nephew out... if I need something from my car, her older kids come to watch the babies while I escape for a minute... and the babies absolutely LOVE her children.

 

She and her children have also all learned the phrase "What the Heck?!"  It's highly amusing. 

 

Definately the best thing about living here... even better than having a real period again and not having chronic ear infections now that we live in a house without mold.  And that's really saying something!!!

Going Home

"I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home."

You know, I've tried to make a blog at a new site. I felt like this site might have fallen into "enemy hands", and I wasn't safe here anymore. So I tried to blog at wordpress, and it was nice and it was pretty...

But it wasn't home.

I really like THIS blog. I like how it looks. I like how easy it is to use.

So I am officially saying to the enemies in possession of this blog address: take a long walk off a short pier.

I want to blog at my blog again. I love my blog, and I intend to stay here. So PBBBBBBBT! :o(~~~~~~~~

I will now resume blogging. Bwahahaha

So what's new in my life?

I've finished my first year as a college student.... All A's except one B the first semester. I am now staying at home and working on my craft business this summer. I'm scared out of my mind about this!

While I'm home, I am also trying to get pregnant. We've been trying for 3 years now... doctors have tested me and tested him... his low sperm count healed itself after we moved from the old house (aka the "mold cube") into a new apartment. Everything else is good. We're considering medical help.

Trying to get pregnant means I have to stop taking any and all happy pills. I thought that would be easy... but it hasn't been, AT ALL. I really need support, which is the main reason I turned back to blogging. I miss having a community, a tribe, to support and be supported by.

So I'll end this for now, and start bloghopping back to your little worlds to see if you all are still around. :o) I miss you all!!!!!!!

One Week Away

I am one week away from my first craft fair.

I feel completely unprepared. I planned to try and have a few of each type of item made, so I could get some feedback from people. I have kids purses (quilted and crocheted), crocheted baby bibs, a few crocheted baby hats, a couple of crochted scarves... I have some potholders that might be ready soon (I'm praying so), a crapload of dishclothes... but nothing else. I had planned to sew girls shirts, skirts, and pants... but I haven't even cut out the patterns.

I have no vendor's licenses.

I have no idea how I'm going to display all of this.

I don't have a cash box.

Basically... I'm scared out of my mind.

But.... every new adventure starts out with some fear and terror, right? lol

Save the Drama...

for your mama.

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "What Rules Do You Wish to Make or Break?"

I wish I could break the rule in my head, the one that binds me and keeps me in situations (specifically jobs) where I take abuse, again and again and again... and believe i have ot take it. Maybe my rule is that good girls have to take it... when the coworker insults me, I take it... I don't have the power... I'm trapped by my finances...

Whatever.

As my job draws to a close (thank you GOD - 7 workdays left!) I am amazed at how much I've taken since starting here. I'm shocked and a little sickened to discover just how much of my heart and soul has been sucked out by this job... how heartless others have been, how insulting and demeaning and just completely sick and twisted...

And sick inside to look in the mirror, and see that I really thought I wasn't even worth the effort of fighting back for. Now I'm watching a coworker take on the role of scapegoat in my place... it just makes me sick inside. I see, in retrospect, how my confidence and love of my job was stripped away, one insult at a time... one snide comment... one humiliation...

I want to break the rule that tells me not to fight back. I want to bite with my sarcastic comments right on time, and yell back when I'm yelled at. I want to stand my ground, plant my feet, and say "this is ALL that I will take from you. BACK OFF."

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad in my life... a million different decisions to make... a million different paths to walk on...

And I'm terrified. Loosing my job has opened up several possibilities to me... the chance to go to school, the chance to try and start my own craft business, or the chance to give my soul back to corporate America and loose myself in it's depths of soulless mind-numbing evil. (I have, as you may tell from my phrasing, not chosen the last option.)

The stress of this much change, of this many decisions, of this many things I feel unqualified to decide about... it's completely overwhelming right at this moment. I want to hide, deep deep deep deep deep inside myself... I want to wait for someone else to make a decision for me, or other doors to close, so I don't have to make a choice.

But that's ridiculous... so I'll just figure something out. And until then, I'll cry a lot, and feel extreme anger... and deal. LOL

Here are some things that make me happy inside:


Create your own MySpace Countdown Counter Today!


Countdown Clocks, Flowers Countdowns at WishAFriend.com

So many choices...

I had been so excited about "giving corporate America the finger" after I lost my job, and going to school to get my social work degree...

And then I heard about another job possibility. It's similar to what I'm doing now - high workload, job isn't finished when you go home at night... but in a more laid-back atmosphere, with more interaction with human beings... which is WONDERFUL and exciting!

So what do I do? Do I risk it all, hoping to make a living selling crafts in a horrible economy, and hoping everything goes through okay so I can enroll in college? Or do I take the safe route, sell my soul back to corporate America, and pray this new venture is better than the one before?

Can I change to this new job and still take classes? Does it allow flexibile enough hours for me to do so? What are their expectations of me? Will I be able to find a reliable person to help me sell at craft fairs, especially if I have to be at work on Fridays?

Lots of questions... but you know what? No matter where my path leads, I know good things are in store... no matter how much bad there is, there is ALWAYS good to look forward to.

2 Months, 4 Days

Thats how much time until I'm officially unemployed.

I'm completely terrified (think upset stomach and panic attacks) and completely excited about telling corporate America to "Kiss This!" and starting my own business as I get my social work degree.

I unpacked the crafty things I had made in the past, which was awesome... Forever ago I had tried to make quilted baby bibs, which were really cute but not practical AT ALL. I was inspired this weekend to change them all into little girls purses... I think they will be awesome!

I've also been crocheting little girls flowered purses like this in a variety of colors...

I currently am making the "petals" for more purses in blue, light purple, dark purple, pink with green edges, pink with purple edges, and... more colors I can't remember at the moment.

I'm also excited because it's SPRING!!!! Warmer weather, fresh air.... ahhhhhhhhhh... *happy sigh*