Changing the World

I'm currently (finally) a senior in the social work department.  After 3 years of learning about things I really could care less about, this year my study word will change. For the first time, I am expected to actually change my world!

Two big assignments this semester will challenge us.  For the first assignment, each student has to do an individual research study.  We have to do the research, compile the data, write out a formal research report, and present our findings to the public.  I am thinking of either studying family reunification (helping families to change so that they can regain and keep their children successfully.) or the connection between domestic violence and child abuse.

The second one is what I'm really excited about though.  We have to do a big project to somehow impact our community... and my group is doing voter registration drives.  Now, how does this change the world?  Well, our group is specifically targeting people who are either poor, from a minority group, or both.  These are the people in our society who are both least likely to vote, and least likely to be deemed important by politicians.  Because these groups don't vote, politicians have no reason to care about what these people want.  As people begin to vote more, politicians will have to pay more attention to them... and that could possibly change the world, one vote at a time :)

Back to Blogging

So my lovely friend Alison told me this week that she missed my blog... and combined with some other things that happened, I realized that I really miss blogging.  So, let me tell you what's been happening around here. Or rather, let me show you... (Yep, irony.  The blind friend asks me to blog, and I do a pic blog LOL)

I have been trying to cook whole grains!


 

 This lovely pic of a oatmeal-ish substance is what happened when I cooked quinoa. Does anyone know if it is SUPPOSED to be squishy like this? Or did I cook it wrong?

And here we have a picture of the whole meal! Lettuce from my neighbor's garden, which I cut up and made into a salad. Chicken which I made using a dry rub of cajun seasoning, soul seasoning, garlic, and umm... I forget what else. Quinoa, which I cooked in chicken broth... and all served on my fine china, aka paper plates!

I have been taking summer classes!  My inner child celebrated her learning from my Mythology class by drawing the picture below.

This is an example of one of the Furies. The Furies were fierce little creatures, used to punish evildoers. For this, I drew a pitchfork, which looks like a trident but isn't.  They had snakes in their hair, which I drew including creepy little eyes and a tongue sticking out of one, for no apparent reason. They have red tears running down their faces, because they cry blood, again for no reason that I have learned. The pinkish dress and blue sash are my own creation, so they have no symbolism.

I celebrated the birthdays of my neice and nephew!

My husband decided to take a picture of my nephew as he laid on the floor.. I have no idea why. The Boy (I decided to give him a catchy name for my blog) had his head shaved by daddy this summer, which actually looks cute on him now that I'm used to it.  He just turned 2!

The Poopers also got to participate in the birthday fun, because we were all broke when her birthday came in the winter.  She's 3 and a half now!!! 

I have been crocheting.

But I currently have no pics of that. I have been making fun baby mitts to keep babies from scratching their little faces, in cool designs... but I am not posting pics or descriptions until I have them done and for sale.  Right now I have 6 pairs done (not including the 7 or so pairs I gave to a friend), and 12 pairs needing embellishment.

I have been cleaning.

But everything is messy agian.  How does this happen? LOL

I have been gardening.

I bought a plot in our apartment's garden, and I have already planted cilantro, parsley, basil, chives, green beans, onions, 2 kinds of peppers, and rosemary.  I'm excited! Tomorrow I will plant more cilantro, swiss chard, serano peppers, squash, brussel sprouts, and delphiniums - my favorite flowers!

Something seems wrong...

So I am wondering what is going on with my body.  I got 7 hours of sleep Thursday night, and then slept through my alarm clock in the morning.  Woke up just in time to throw on clothes and get to my internship only a few minutes late.   I was exhausted by the time I got home from the internship though.  I slept from 1:30 to 5:30, and woke up still tired.  I stayed up til 10:30 PM... and then went back to sleep.

I slept until 12:30 PM.

Altogether, I got 18 hours of sleep... and I have been fighting the need to go to sleep again until 9 tonight. 

Don't know what's wrong... but i hope it goes away soon! I have a full week this week! Giving English lessons, babysitting, internship, field trip Wednesday, classes, 3 exams... dang.

The Pin that Changed Me

So lately I have been completely and utterly obsessed with Pinterest.  I mean COMPLETELY obsessed.

Pinterest is my new happy place.

Some of the things I read on Pinterest really make me think.  Some of them resonate deep down inside. Some of them make me laugh... some make me cry... and some make me look deep inside myself and see things I never noticed before. 

Earlier this week, this pin resonated deeply within me:

Source: dearinspirationblog.blogspot.com via Janet on Pinterest

At the time, I was feeling really down on myself. I had tried to do something really good... and failed in epic fashion.  I had tried to bring unity to a group, and instead people fought, feelings were hurt... and I felt responsible. 

Today, that pin no longer resonates within me.  After emotionally beating myself black and blue, I saw another pin... a pin that made me think about how I was looking at myself. It made me CHANGE how I was looking at myself.

Source: notsalmon.com via Janet on Pinterest

I was not looking at myself in the right way. In the situation I was upset about, there were other participants who were just as deeply responsible for the situation. Grown adults, with the ability to avoid conflict... who could want or not want unity. I am not responsible for the outcome... if I did my best, if my intentions were pure... it's enough.  That's what I learned... from my situation, and from a cute purple pin on Pinterest.

Have YOU learned anything about yourself from joining Pinterest?

Why God Won't Let Me Have Kids

Yes... that is me and my husband rolling in laughter as my nephew bursts into tears. 

My Computer!!!!!!

Dear computer, how I have missed thee.

Before my computer broke down, I didn't realize just how much THIS computer meant to me.  We have been together for a year and a half now, and I dearly love her.  I have given her a name. I decorated her with a background that relaxes me. I put stickers on her. I gave her a screensaver filled with pictures of people I love.

But after the computer broke down,  I realized there was so much more I loved about this computer.  She has all the programs I love and use, and shortcuts to them in just the right place on my desktop.  She has all of my assignments neatly organized into cute little folders. She has all my favorite sites in her favorites bar.  She has everything customized to EXACTLY the picture-perfect specs that make me feel warm and comfy while I use her.

But you know what I missed most of all? I missed the connections she bings to me.  I missed my World of Warcraft buddies that I chatted with on her, when the new computer didn't have it installed.  I missed my feeds, telling me who was posting a new blog and when. I missed being able to see your hopes, your dreams, your fears...

Dear Bakbouka, my faithful and loving computer, please don't ever leave me again.

Connecting?

When I came back to blogging, I noticed what seems like a shift in the connections happening across the web.  Where before I had shared deep discussions with friends via blogs, I have noticed many people focusing instead on the much less personal Facebook or Twitter for their communications. 

While I'm sitting here, on a loaner computer which does not have my precious feeds saved, I'm pondering what connecting means since Facebook and Twitter have conquered the web?  Can people still connect, sharing their hopes, fears, and dreams, on such impersonal sites? 

What have your experiences been?

The Accident

This December my life was changed in a way I still cannot completely comprehend.

I was driving to pick my husband up for work one day, and noticed a lot of police cars going ahead of me. I didn't really think much about that... just wondered where they were going, and then thought about other things.  Eventually I noticed traffic slowing in front of me, and noticed the cars in front of me needing to turn onto side streets.  The police weren't directing traffic well, and so some cars were turning to the right and others were turning to the left.  I turned to the right. Apparently, I should have turned to the left.  I drove a block after turning right... then made a left after a block.  I followed a string of cars up maybe three blocks on a side street, and then followed them as they turned to the left to get back to the highway.  Once we got to the highway, we found it blocked and turned around.  I went back a block, and then had to decide if I wanted to try and backtrack and get back onto the highway, which would most likely be slow and possibly even impossible, or try to follow the side street and make my own detour.  I chose the side street.  I went farther, and then turned to get back onto the highway.  I figured I MUST have avoided the accident by that point, since I was probably a mile past the first police cars... so I drove back to the highway.

And found myself less than 6 feet from a burned out shell of a car.  I was marveling at this amazing sight (Moment of confession: I really like fire.) when I looked up and saw a sheet placed over the window.

A white sheet.  Covering the burned up remains... of a person. 

I was sick inside.  I drove onto the highway (what the heck else does one do? I was in shock!) and then cried all the way to pick up my husband. 

We watched the news that night... apparently a 25 year-old-man was driving his car, when he was rear-ended by another car. His car instantly burst into flame, shooting fireballs into the air.  One moment he was alive... the next he was dead.  Just that quick. I couldn't even process the events.  I couldn't comprehend what I had seen, let alone make sense of it. 

The next day I drove to take my husband to and from work... passing the same spot on the road.  I cried again... I couldn't stop thinking of him.  I grew depressed.

We found out that my husband worked with his mom.  He was a federal prison officer.  He was a fire department volunteer. He was just. so. young.

Later we noticed the burn marks on the highway where his car had burnt the highway.  Again... I wanted to be sick. 

A few days later, after getting my husband from work, we tried to get onto the highway... and we saw a funeral procession.  The funeral procession of the young man.  Again, I cried.  How could a life end so fast!? So out of the blue?  With no warning?! 

Last week, as I drove, I saw a cross by the side of the road, beside the burn marks on the highway.  I plan to get an artificial red rose, and place it by the cross. 

I'm still sickened by what I saw.  I took more time to pray... to really think.  I still can't understand what happened... I still don't know why I made that wrong turn.  I don't know why I was a witness to the scene in the car. I know that I am changed... every day I pray when I get in my car.  I pray for myself, for my husband... and I pray for the others driving that day.  I am more careful when I'm driving... I posted lectures on my Facebook warning people about the dangers of tailgating, reminding them that 2 seconds of speed are not worth the life of another person... but it feels like an inadequate response to the depth of what happened to me. I feel like my life should reflect the change that has happened inside of me... but how?

Almost free!!!

So here I am, at the end of my first semester as a social work student.  I am, in all honesty, exhausted and frustrated.  My grades this semester are okay, with the exception of one class... we started out with one professor, she broke her shoulder and had to resign, and the new professor didn't work out so well.  And she's the chair of my department... so I can't exactly complain to anyone about it lol  And another professor... well... don't even get me started on her. *frustrated*

But I have two more exams tomorrow, and then this semester is DONE and I will be so glad.  How do I plan to spend my holiday, you may wonder? 

I want to hug the snot out of my neice and nephew, who I have not seen in about 3 weeks. 

I want to clean out my bedroom and craft room and get them organized.

I want to learn to make wire jewely and beaded jewelry, because they are pretty and sparkly.

And last but not least, I want to make this, just because I can:

Cute little kiddo in a crocheted hat with a crocheted beard.

Media Drama...

You know what I like about having a blog?  I like being able to toss things around in my mind on here, and analyze them with feedback from others that may help me see issues from another light.  So what am I thinking about today?  The media. 

We are learning about the workings of the American media in relation to American politics, and I have learned a lot.  For example, did you know that just 10 major corporations own almost all of the major newspapers, magazines, national TV networks, cable stations, etc. within the US??? How crazy is that... corporations (which exist purely for profit) are responsible for giving information that can change the course of a nation.  That makes me really wonder how much of the news we receive is manufactured for someone else's greed.  When we hear about reasons to go to war, how much of that is made by companies that also own weapons factories and other companies that benefit from war? 

And what about what we DON'T see??? How much news coverage do we see about tobacco issues? Is it because the news isn't what we are interested in, or because the companies that control the media also own tobacco interests?  How many things that are vital for the public to learn of are buried just because of this media situation?

I need to ponder this more in my head, make my thoughts more eloquent and well-rounded on this topic, but for the moment just let me say:

This scares me to the core.

Growth from the Ashes

Temporary Motherhood

My life took a dramatic turn on Friday night, when I looked on facebook and saw that my sister-in-law was at the ER.  She has a broken foot, and no way to take care of her two babies, Lillyan (age 2 and 1/2) and Steven (age 13 months).  Now, for an undetermined amount of time, I have two babies in my house. 

Crap, aunt Janet has a LOTTTTTTTTT of work to do on herself before she has her own kids.

I've found myself repeatedly snapping at the kids, and later regretting it.  I need to learn to love the babies and enjoy them, instead of trying to make my house a perfectly organized boot camp.

I also have to learn to get the 1 year old out of the tub ASAP, preferably BEFORE he poops in the tub... and to ask my husband to duct tape the lid of the strawberry milk mix down BEFORE it spills all over the diaper bag and all its contents. 

So, for right now, I'm going to be trying to balance my sewing and alteration business, my new English tutoring business, my normal life/wife/friendship duties, and the needs of two small children living with me for the next day/week/month. 

Crap.  Any advice? 

For now, I will be helping my family by learning from others about how they have improved their lives.  I'm doing to participate in Biblical Womanhood Friday, which can be found here:



And I'm going to have to be very, very, very organized!!!! My friend will watch the babies during my English lessons, and my husband can probably watch them while I sew... and one way or another, we'll figure this whole thing out!!!

Out of Control

Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores.  The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart. 

Yesterday I almost had to do it again. 

I feel so fragile right now.  I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I.  I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer.  I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.

I'm afraid that I'm pregnant.  I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong?  Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost?  I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared.  What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant?  I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time? 

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest. 

I can't sleep at night.  I sleep late in the day.  I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up. 

I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?

I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me.  She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive.  I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again. 

So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility. 

This bites.

The best laid plans...

The best laid plans NEVER work, so why do I try?  *dramatic sigh*

This weekend, I made a to-do list for each day this week.  Since I don't have a new daily planner yet, this is a good way for me to not forget appointments, keep track of what I need to do each day, etc...

Or it would be...

If I actually looked at the to-do lists.

This week and last week both went insane, and the to-do lists were totally lost in the shuffle.  For example: Sunday night I had a horrible IBS flare-up, which pretty much knocked me out of commission for a day.  Then, I couldn't sleep Monday night.  Or Tuesday night.  And not a whole lot last night either.  I'm now kind of a walking zombie... who is caring for a friend's 8-year old son for two days because his babysitter (aka his aunt) is having drama in her life and would be mean to him. 

So yeah, this week did not go AT ALL as planned. 

But really... was it all bad?  Nope.  When a friend asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her, we talked and bonded, and I crocheted components for a bracelet.  When I was invited to a party with just a few hours notice, I got to hug and cuddle a new baby (he is only 10 days old!) and I ended up selling a broach and getting an alteration order, plus I will be making another broach and a bracelet in the future for another woman.  I was also asked if I could embroider flowers.  I of course replied that I could not, but would be learning soon :o)

So, my total profits for sure from that unexpected event will be $16.  The other broach and bracelet should get me $11 more, plus several of the women seemed interested in the bracelets.  Not bad for a party I wanted to go to anyway lol 

In sad news, I'm wayyyyyyy behind in my alterations, and have to send an apology message to a customer.  That always stinks.  I think when she sees the finished product though, she will be more than happy. 

So, there you have it... I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion, and my to-do lists are not at all working... but my house is freakishly clean, my laundry is done, my customers are mostly happy, and an 8-year old is happily playing Lego Star Wars in my living room.  Life is pretty awesomely good. 

Owwies and Originals

So yesterday I as going about my daily life, when I had a horrible horrible pain in my stomach.  A long long time ago, when I was 17, I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome after having similar horrendous pains.  I watched my diet now, and generally had only mild problems. This week I'd been particularly good, and not consumed any soda whatsoever... so I'm a little perplexed as to why the pains came.  They're both good and bad... bad, obviously, because THEY HURT. Good, however, because I feel so supported by the community at my apartment.  Two friends asked if I needed any help, and one offered to stay with me, let me stay with her, and even do my laundry if I couldn't.  Very very awesome. 

Another good thing is that this has slowed me down, and helped me to focus a little more on my craft business.  Believe it or not, right now my crafts are not the main part of my business - alterations are.  I don't know how long I'll be able to keep them up... right now I'm spending a lot of time for a little money... but I am hoping that by the time school starts and my time is much more scarce, I will be able to do the alterations much more quickly.  For now, I'm enjoying the process of learning and earning some $ in the process.

AND, the coolest thing, is that I've been asked to MAKE a shirt... something I really want to do anyway.  Now, before I make one for the client, I will make one for myself in a different fabric.  I can show her what MY almost-original design will actually look like in real life, so she knows what she is buying, and I will be able to tell her with confidence that I CAN make the shirt. 

All in all, life is good right now. 

Except for the pain.  LOL

Blah

Ever have a day when you just feel blah?? Yeah, today is one of those days for me.  I want to sleep... curl up in a tiny tiny ball and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  

Does this mean I'm pregnant?  I don't know.  Part of me is afraid to hope, but part of me is so so so hopeful.  I'm tired, I'm queasy... is it a virus? Is it stress? Or could it be a tiny little Jana or little James, swimming around? 

This question drives me crazy.

Random Question...

I've been doing a lot of cooking of Arabic foods lately...

Would anyone be interested in me putting up some recipes or instructions?

Poor Mr. Beloved

So Mr. Beloved is staying home from work sick again today... he has a high fever (101.?), he has thrown up, and has a horrible headache.  I told him if he isn't better when I wake up, we're going to the doctor.  I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I'm thinking it's heat exhaustion.  His job is in a very hot building, the heat index in Indiana has been over 100, and his car isn't air conditioned... I think it was just too hot, he's been drinking too little water, and he did to much. 

Poor Guy.

So my best-laid plans for the week are gone... I can't clean the room my husband is sleeping in (my plan for today), or do a photo shoot with the little girl modeling my hairthings which was my plan for today (hubby may need to go to the doctor.)... I'm not sure I will even be able to go to Walmart to restock my craft supplies...

But as long as the Beloved is better, it's all worth it.

Poor Guy. 

Gettin' Down to Bizness!

Wondering how my craft business is going?  Well, it may not seem like it has been going much of anywhere... I've been really busy doing alterations and such here.  Underneath the craziness, though, I have been making some slow but sure progress.  What have I been doing? Well...

Let me show you.

I've made a new business card/ hairclip holder for my crocheted hair clips.

I made a fun new design for handmade business cards... which I love dearly.  I need to print or order some other ones once I find the business card paper i have... but for now I'm having a blast with these.

My friend came over tonight and we brainstormed ideas for jewelry.  I'd love to know what you think!!

Bracelet #1

 Earing #1

Heart Earring

Double heart earrings - do you think these would look better without the beads?  I'm thinking so...

 Earring #2

Earring #3 - My personal favorite!

 Earring #4

So what do you think?  Which one do you like the most?

Transformation

My life is changing in so many ways, and today the emotional dam finally broke, and I had myself a good healing crying/writing/praying session. 

Life has been crazy, spinning out of control.  The craft business and new friendships and preparations to try to get pregnant have completely overwhelmed me. I made a budget and promptly lost it... no idea where it went.   I've buried myself in Facebook games and mindless activities, hiding from my life and my emotions...

But thank God today is a new day, a new start...

I'm going to make to-do lists for each day this week, with goals for what I want to do.

I'm going to say no sometimes, and make everyone deal with it.

I'm going to make sure to schedule time with God, my husband, and my closest friends.  They are my sources of strength.

I'm going to try and keep things clean so I don't have to feel overwhelmed, because that's really driving me crazy!

On a random note, can you believe I haven't had Diet Coke/Pepsi in several weeks???  I'm so proud of myself for that... slowly but surely getting my body ready for a baby.  And for once, I'm feeling really hopeful about that.