Hiding Behind My Cushions

If my life continues along it's present course, I may have to make that the title of my blog. 

95% of my new friends have children.  Most of these children are young... and some are very young.  So my house is randomly invaded by small children, including my beloved niece Poopers (age 2.5) and her brother Stevenito (age 1 next week.)  I also have a wierd amount of friends and neighbors with four-year-olds, which is a lot of fun.  Buttttttt the problem is the little guys.  Cuz, being a woman with no children, my house is not exactly childproof. 

Did I mention that I sew and crochet?  Yeah.  This means I have needles, pins, and scissors.  EVERYWHERE. 

So tonight when my friend brought her 2 year old to my house, I found my house running to hide a lot of things.  A LOT of things.  Controllers for the Xbox, breakable picture frames, crafts I've made, etc.   Eventually I learned that the simplest way to deal with this situation was when LittleGuy grabbed a forbidden object, I would grab it from him, distract him, and hide it behind my couch cushion. 

By the end of the night, I had quite the little collection going.  A phone, a controller, scissors, crayons, random crafts,.... and so on and so forth. 

Can you imagine what will happen when we have children?  LOL  I'll have an entire house full of stuff, all hidden behind two couch cushions! 

For a reason beyond my comprehension, this makes me feel very amused. 

Buried

What should I write about?

I really hate that question.  I'm trying to blog faithfully, but I feel like all of the emotions and deep things I would like to blog about are buried deep down inside.  I actually feel like somewhere deep underneath all that is going on now and all that I am thinking and feeling on the surface, I'm crying inside.  I feel lonely, but I don't want to call anyone.  I want connection, but I'm afraid of it at the same time. I want to make myself too busy for friendship, but I want friends... I just don't want to be rejected or have drama.  Friends stress me out when I'm not medicated... the work that goes into making all of my friends happy is overwhelming sometimes.

I know, I know... I don't need to make everyone happy... but having someone unhappy with me feels very uncomfortable for me.  It goes against every fiber of my being.

Maybe I should practice making people unhappy, just for fun.  Anyone want to be my victim? hehehehe

Frustration!

So life has definately changed here... and I don't know how I feel about it.

I love/hate not working and studying.  I love not needing to leave the house, but I miss the social interactions with classmates and I miss the structure my days had. 

I don't know if it's the fact that I have less social interactions, or if it is the fact that I'm not longer on "happy pills," but I feel very vulnerable.  I am much more worried about rejection from my husband and friends here, and really feel insecure. 

I know that this is the path my life is supposed to take... I know that the things I'm doing this summer (making my craft business, getting off happy pills, changing how we eat, etc.) are steps vital to the next steps in my life...

But they are SO. FREAKIN. HARD. 

My friends are fighting with some other neighbors.  Maybe they are mad because I'm not fighting with them... maybe they aren't... maybe they are mad that I told one of the "enemies" that the dryers on the 4th floor are currently free... or maybe they aren't mad at all.  I thought the two of the women in the unit beside me would be my close friends... but one stopped talking to me and the other... well, I thought we were closer than we were, and I ranted to her about another person (she seems to be a huge pain in my but, so I will give her an official name on my blog... we will call her... EvilNeighbor.)... maybe she told the other person what I said (should have kept my mouth shut, I know.) or maybe she didn't, but she doesn't seem to show any desire for a deeper friendship... or maybe she doesn't think she can trust me, because I ranted to her about EvilNeighbor.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH social life is driving me crazy.  And EvilNeighbor is driving me crazy. What the heck... why can't people just live at peace with others???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay, that may have made no sense... but I'm so freakin' insecure, which was my point.  I know that the amazingly confident Jana who I was on meds is still in here... the dose of pills was so small, it cant' have changed me that completely... so somehow I just need to reach the person inside, the Jana who is calm and confident, the Jana who took all of this social crap in stride and didn't worry about it.... 

So how do I reach her?   

Going to Facebook!

So I thought I should let you all know that my craft business is officially on Facebook!  Check it out here if you would like: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Janas-Jewelz/210716602294053

What the Heck????

Okay, twice I have tried to post a blog post, and Internet Explorer hasn't let me post it. The first time it was just a minor annoyance... I opened Firefox, and posted it there. Life was good, right?

The second time, I tried to do the same thing... a little more annoyed... but when I tried to copy the text to paste it into Firefox, IT ERASED THE WHOLE STUPID POST!!!!!!!

What the heck?????? So I will be looking today for a solution, because Firefox is not my normal browswer and I'm annoyed to have to us it just because stupid Blogger won't work.

Grr.

 

And while we are on the subject of "what the heck?", I have to tell you about my wonderful best friend/neighbor... Before I moved here, my former friend from Morocco had introduced me to some of her friends from other countries.  I met one from Libya, one from Lebanon, and one from Saudi Arabia.  The one from Saudi Arabia and I started working with each other on English and Arabic, and we became good friends.  I was annoyed to have to drive across town to her house though... so when we decided to give the Mold Cube back to the bank, and had to move... her apartment complex (which was also wayyyyyyyy cheaper than most apartments) was one of the places we investigated. 

 

Totally the best decision, ever.  We moved here, and I love it. (Mr. Beloved hasn't really stated an opinion.)  I've met people from all over the world here... my neighbors on my floor are from India, America, Saudi Arabia, China, and Korea I think...  I've also seen people here from Libya, Kenya and Nepal!  How cool is that???  Small Arabic children randomly swarm when they see me, screaming "Jan-nette!" and giving me hugs.

 

And the friend from Saudi Arabia?  She has totally achieved best friend status now.  We do almost everything together, but we have tried to let the friendship grow slowly because we don't want drama.  She has four absolutely amazing kids, who I dearly love.  We have had fun conversations about everything, even comparing the story of Jesus in the Bible and Quran.  She has taught me to cook amazing deserts and meals, and told me all of the secrets to living in this apartment complex ( Good people, bad people, cleanup before pest control, and free washers on the fourth floor!)  Oh, and when my neice and my nephew visit, she totally saves my sanity... her kids come over at night to wear the neice and nephew out... if I need something from my car, her older kids come to watch the babies while I escape for a minute... and the babies absolutely LOVE her children.

 

She and her children have also all learned the phrase "What the Heck?!"  It's highly amusing. 

 

Definately the best thing about living here... even better than having a real period again and not having chronic ear infections now that we live in a house without mold.  And that's really saying something!!!

Going Home

"I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home."

You know, I've tried to make a blog at a new site. I felt like this site might have fallen into "enemy hands", and I wasn't safe here anymore. So I tried to blog at wordpress, and it was nice and it was pretty...

But it wasn't home.

I really like THIS blog. I like how it looks. I like how easy it is to use.

So I am officially saying to the enemies in possession of this blog address: take a long walk off a short pier.

I want to blog at my blog again. I love my blog, and I intend to stay here. So PBBBBBBBT! :o(~~~~~~~~

I will now resume blogging. Bwahahaha

So what's new in my life?

I've finished my first year as a college student.... All A's except one B the first semester. I am now staying at home and working on my craft business this summer. I'm scared out of my mind about this!

While I'm home, I am also trying to get pregnant. We've been trying for 3 years now... doctors have tested me and tested him... his low sperm count healed itself after we moved from the old house (aka the "mold cube") into a new apartment. Everything else is good. We're considering medical help.

Trying to get pregnant means I have to stop taking any and all happy pills. I thought that would be easy... but it hasn't been, AT ALL. I really need support, which is the main reason I turned back to blogging. I miss having a community, a tribe, to support and be supported by.

So I'll end this for now, and start bloghopping back to your little worlds to see if you all are still around. :o) I miss you all!!!!!!!

One Week Away

I am one week away from my first craft fair.

I feel completely unprepared. I planned to try and have a few of each type of item made, so I could get some feedback from people. I have kids purses (quilted and crocheted), crocheted baby bibs, a few crocheted baby hats, a couple of crochted scarves... I have some potholders that might be ready soon (I'm praying so), a crapload of dishclothes... but nothing else. I had planned to sew girls shirts, skirts, and pants... but I haven't even cut out the patterns.

I have no vendor's licenses.

I have no idea how I'm going to display all of this.

I don't have a cash box.

Basically... I'm scared out of my mind.

But.... every new adventure starts out with some fear and terror, right? lol

Save the Drama...

for your mama.

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "What Rules Do You Wish to Make or Break?"

I wish I could break the rule in my head, the one that binds me and keeps me in situations (specifically jobs) where I take abuse, again and again and again... and believe i have ot take it. Maybe my rule is that good girls have to take it... when the coworker insults me, I take it... I don't have the power... I'm trapped by my finances...

Whatever.

As my job draws to a close (thank you GOD - 7 workdays left!) I am amazed at how much I've taken since starting here. I'm shocked and a little sickened to discover just how much of my heart and soul has been sucked out by this job... how heartless others have been, how insulting and demeaning and just completely sick and twisted...

And sick inside to look in the mirror, and see that I really thought I wasn't even worth the effort of fighting back for. Now I'm watching a coworker take on the role of scapegoat in my place... it just makes me sick inside. I see, in retrospect, how my confidence and love of my job was stripped away, one insult at a time... one snide comment... one humiliation...

I want to break the rule that tells me not to fight back. I want to bite with my sarcastic comments right on time, and yell back when I'm yelled at. I want to stand my ground, plant my feet, and say "this is ALL that I will take from you. BACK OFF."

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad in my life... a million different decisions to make... a million different paths to walk on...

And I'm terrified. Loosing my job has opened up several possibilities to me... the chance to go to school, the chance to try and start my own craft business, or the chance to give my soul back to corporate America and loose myself in it's depths of soulless mind-numbing evil. (I have, as you may tell from my phrasing, not chosen the last option.)

The stress of this much change, of this many decisions, of this many things I feel unqualified to decide about... it's completely overwhelming right at this moment. I want to hide, deep deep deep deep deep inside myself... I want to wait for someone else to make a decision for me, or other doors to close, so I don't have to make a choice.

But that's ridiculous... so I'll just figure something out. And until then, I'll cry a lot, and feel extreme anger... and deal. LOL

Here are some things that make me happy inside:


Create your own MySpace Countdown Counter Today!


Countdown Clocks, Flowers Countdowns at WishAFriend.com

So many choices...

I had been so excited about "giving corporate America the finger" after I lost my job, and going to school to get my social work degree...

And then I heard about another job possibility. It's similar to what I'm doing now - high workload, job isn't finished when you go home at night... but in a more laid-back atmosphere, with more interaction with human beings... which is WONDERFUL and exciting!

So what do I do? Do I risk it all, hoping to make a living selling crafts in a horrible economy, and hoping everything goes through okay so I can enroll in college? Or do I take the safe route, sell my soul back to corporate America, and pray this new venture is better than the one before?

Can I change to this new job and still take classes? Does it allow flexibile enough hours for me to do so? What are their expectations of me? Will I be able to find a reliable person to help me sell at craft fairs, especially if I have to be at work on Fridays?

Lots of questions... but you know what? No matter where my path leads, I know good things are in store... no matter how much bad there is, there is ALWAYS good to look forward to.

2 Months, 4 Days

Thats how much time until I'm officially unemployed.

I'm completely terrified (think upset stomach and panic attacks) and completely excited about telling corporate America to "Kiss This!" and starting my own business as I get my social work degree.

I unpacked the crafty things I had made in the past, which was awesome... Forever ago I had tried to make quilted baby bibs, which were really cute but not practical AT ALL. I was inspired this weekend to change them all into little girls purses... I think they will be awesome!

I've also been crocheting little girls flowered purses like this in a variety of colors...

I currently am making the "petals" for more purses in blue, light purple, dark purple, pink with green edges, pink with purple edges, and... more colors I can't remember at the moment.

I'm also excited because it's SPRING!!!! Warmer weather, fresh air.... ahhhhhhhhhh... *happy sigh*

2 Months and a Week

That's how long I have until I'm officially unemployed. Holy crap... that doesn't seem like much time!!!! I have a lot to do... I want to start selling my crafts as soon as my job ends! I'm crocheting and sewing up a storm here, and panicking that maybe I won't get enough done or be ready. PLUS I plan to start classes toward my social work degree at the same time... busy busy busy!!!!

So, I decided to take my goals here, and make them into a tidy to-do list of things I want to get done in the next two weeks. I'll mark them off as they are done, and life will be great.

Business:

1. Unpack and organize all craft things
2. Wash the already-made items
3. Price and pack the already-made items
4. Find list of events coming up
5. Post wanted items on Freecycle
6. Check Freecycle for responses - Mon, Wed, Friday, Sunday, Tues, Thurs, Sat
7. Look into selling at Latta's Vintage Market and other locations locally
8. Make price tags
9. Look into business cards (Moo cards?)
10. Organize crochet patterns into a binder
11. Make quilted bibs into cute purses
12. Finish making baby stacking toy
13. Make 5 beehive potholder
14. Finish sewing my shirt

Financial:

1. Make a budget
2. Do taxes (Find W-2s, Read Pub 527, Print forms, Do federal taxes, Do state taxes)
3. Contact Work One
4. Sign up for workshops offered to "displaced" workers at my job

Educational:

1. Apply as an actual student
2. Pay money owed to college #1
3. Request my husband's transcripts
4. Request my transcripts

Blah blah blah, these are my goals... this is probably the most boring blog post I've ever written, but putting goals on here gives me motivation lol

A Difference

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "Where do you wish to make a difference." This seems like an awesome question for me today, as I had my meeting for "displaced" employees this afternoon... seeing the other employees who were cut was pretty traumatic, but one very very very good thing happened:

I found out that I CAN take college classes WHILE drawing unemployment. In fact, because I am "displaced," they may even help PAY for my classes!!!

Suddenly I actually have the tools at my fingertips to accomplish my dream - to become a social worker, and make a difference!

CAN one person make a difference? Yes, I wholeheartedly believe they can. One person, being kind to a person from another country, can make a difference toward world peace. One person, being generous to another, can cause a ripple of generosity to spread and make the world a little less selfish. If even one child is given a word of encouragement when life seems like more than they can take, when they feel like it's impossible to overcome the obstacles in their way, or when everyone else is telling them it's not even worth trying... generations of children to come can be affected.

Do I feel strong enough for this? No. I feel completely inadequate. I am terrified of huge caseloads and broken children slipping through cracks. I'm worried that I'll become overwhelmed by the pain of those around me, or frustrated beyond repair by adults who can't see the damage they do to each other and their children. But for this moment, I'm chosing to give it a shot, and to show love and encouragement to as many children as I can for as long as I can take it. Maybe it is just a tiny drop in the gnormous bucket of abuse... but it's one more drop than there would be without me.

Dreams and Dizziness

It's been an eventful few days. My friend's wedding reception was last night, I've been crocheting like crazy until I have a chance to get to Hobby Lobby and buy some boxes to paint or collage and sell, and today is the day my dad died. No plans to do anything today... no car to take to the cemetery or to use an go do a good deed in his name. I feel really numb inside anyway... I'll probably cry later. In the meantime I'll wait for the beloved to come home, and then take him out on a date. *giggle* In other news...

Last night I had a nightmare, for the first time in a long time. (Mainly because I rarely dream.) I went into this old house, one I had been to before, with a group of people. My friend Karima, some girls from church, and others I didn't recognize were there. We went into the house, and I was worried... I remembered being there before, and bad things happening, but nothing specific. When we opened the door, there was another set of doors inside, and between was an older lady wearing a red outfit - I had seen her before, and knew something horrible was happening. The others from the group opened the second door from the right, and I screamed for them to stop! I grabbed Karima and kept her from going, and I screamed as the door shut behind the others, and then there was only silence.

I found myself back at the house again, later, alone this time. I went through the first door to the right, and explored. I found people around me, a soldier, a nerd... there was a "church" where people were sitting, worshipping... a store where they sold New Age stuff and some very cute candles... and dolls without heads. I looked everywhere, and then made my way out... Only to find that the people were at the doors, and wouldn't let me out. Suddenly I was a child, and ran beneath their arms to escape out the door. I ran, and ran... I ran into the woods, and to a house... I grabbed a can of biscuit dough and threw little pieces behind me now and then, and they expanded to slow down the woman behind me. Eventually, I somehow led her to the house of a FBI agent, and woke up safely.

Wierd.

In other news, I had another dizzy spell... the first one I've had in a long while. I had them frequently for a while, but the doctor didn't know what caused them. They stopped a while, started again in September or October, and then started again this week. I had an ear infection, so that might be why... but it was very wierd. I wasn't as dizzy as normal, but I was very weak and VERY shakey... and completely terrified. I cried, and cried, and cried... it was horrible. Finally I ate a Hostess cherry pie, and felt some better (could it be blood sugar?), but was drained all day. Finally feeling better today, just icky because I still have a sinus & ear infection.

Anyway, these are the life and times of the short cute one... what's new in your life?

Dishclothing My Way

So, my last day of work is officially May 15th now. I have my letter from the university, materials about what happens next, and.... a plan.

I've decided that corporate America seriously bites and has drained large amounts of my soul. If there is ANY possible way to avoid another job working for The Man, I'm gonna give it a shot.

What does that mean for the future? Well, several ideas have come to mind, most of which are not yet ready to be aired on this blog. One, however, is ready for sharing:

I want to try and really make a business out of my art and crochet.

As phase 1 of this plan, I plan to try and stockpile items so that I can begin selling at local craft fairs. As I stockpile them, I'll put some in a local vintage market to see what sells there as well. I'll see what people like and don't like, and change what I make accordingly.

Right now, I'm focusing on dishclothes. I've been focusing on them for a while, and have made a ton of dishclothes. I've made them in many colors, many textures, using many patterns... I've made plain squares, attempted a circle, and created flower and butterfly shaped dishclothes. I've given a lot away though, which means that after all of this crocheting, I have a stockpile of only 17 dishclothes. My goal is to have a stock of at least 50 before I move onto making new items.

I really want to make a progress bar on my blog for this... does anyone know where I can find one? I've searched all over creation... no luck.

Okay, I'm going to go watch a stargate episode and make some dishcloths now. Have a lovely day everyone, and thanks for reading! :)

Just so ya know...

Sometimes life hits you so far below the belt, you wonder if you can stand.

I haven't been writing on this blog... my blog appears to be no longer my sacred safe spot... I shared the link to my blog with a friend when she was going through a low time, not knowing until later that others, who appear to not be my friends, had access to the e-mail I sent.

But you know what? I don't really care. My life 95% an open book, and that 5% isn't posted here LOL (This IS a PG rated blog, and I AM a married woman! HA!)

I was going to write more, but I just don't have the emotional energy to lay it all out on the table today. I just wanna kick a small animal, and then go to sleep. Some days, that's all ya can do, ya know?

Where Do I Go From Here?

Today I got big news - the university I work at has been talking about layoffs for some time. Originally they were going to announce the layoffs over Spring break. (March ish.) Then they were going to announce the layoffs in Feb. Today my boss took me out for lunch... and told me the university had decided to eliminate my position. It wasn't personal, they didn't look at the people in the positions, they just looked at which one seemed least essential and cut it.

I have until June 30.

I should probably be upset... but I'm not. I almost broke when a coworker looked like he wanted to cry when he told me how sorry he was... I teared up when I found out my boss had went to my friend and coworker while I was in class, to tell her I would be needing a friend today... and when I found out my supervisor had told the same friend how proud she should be of me, for handling it in a professional manner, no tears or emotions - business as usual the rest of the day.

I've had a lot of drama at this job - good drama, bad drama, in-between drama... I've loved this job, hated this job, and everything in between...

But I'm TOTALLY ready for something new. I'm not sure what direction my life will take - where I will work, what I will do. Due to beaurocratic red tape, I may not be able to take classes this semester. I can't say where the next chapter in my journey will take me... will I use the unemployment period to look for a great job, really focus on getting an art business started? Will God maybe open a door for my husband and I to travel abroad as English teachers? (How fun would that be?!) Could I start a business tutoring people in English? Will I maybe end up pregnant, and need the time to take care of myself during my pregnancy? Who knows! The possibilities... are limitless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next step - talk to HR, find out more about my situation. Find details about the severance packages, etc. Keep an eye out for "the perfect job". Make my resume - really focus on updating my office skills - and make LOTS of art. I haven't unpacked my Mod-Podge. I have crocheted some, but I have not really put my heart into any artwork. I have a box I absolutely ADORE, and should make like 6 more similar to. Why haven't I done that already?? I have learned to do some basic needlework, and can really have fun making, renovating, and embellishing kids clothes.

Really, truly, the possibilities ARE limitless.

Today

Today I'm hurting
trying to find faith
to learn from this
to believe I'm not being punished

Today I'm tired
will this journey ever end?

Today I'm overwhelmed
So much to do
So little time to do it
There's only so much of me to go around

Today I'm searching for faith
for hope
for strength to belive that you're with me
That you won't leave me
That you're with me and not against me
That it will be okay

Back to Blogging

So, my life has completely gone down the toilet. We're still not done in the house. We still can't live in the house. James is living with Pam and Tim to be close to his job. I'm living with Karima to be close to my job.

No, our marriage is not over, we are not seperating except physically while we try to salvage our financial life, get heat turned on in our house, and destroy the evil substance known as mold from our casa. I won't go into the crap I'm taking for this, the humiliation in front of the students at my job (thanks mother-in-law, that was kind. But in happy news, all of my friends hate you, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.), and in front of my coworkers because of hateful gossips. (And if you want to give me advice concerning my marriage, right now is not the time, unless you can avoid thrown objects VERY well, because my aim completely rocks.)

I've learned a lot from it... like the fact that when I went off of my anti-anxiety medicine and thought my life was so much better... I was really just making my life into a bubble. I cut everyone but my husband out... barely saw friends, avoided family, and made my home into my refuge filled with peace and art and love. Now I can't hide... my refuge is gone... and I'm falling apart. Debating medication again, but trying to see if I can make it on my own, learn from this experience, maybe grow through it.

Completely filled with anger right now... anger at life, at people, at everything. Depressed... but making it. Still working on my house, still living my life, just not really myself at the moment. Dealing with social anxiety, crap at work, feeling like a failure to God, my husband, my friends... completely imperfect and not at all okay with it.

But whatever. Life is wierd, and crazy, and people suck... but some people don't suck. I've lost my peace and security, but I've gained a friend who is now my sister... which is fun and interesting. The Princess will be introduced to you all in a later post.

For now I need to mud a wall so James can sand it tomorrow, and then I can paint when I get home. Wooo hooo! Each drop of paint, each glob of mud neatly smeared, brings us one step closer to moving back into my home. Until that day comes... I'm gonna jump into this wierdly imperfect new life I've found... make new friends, enjoy my new social life, and just generally rock the world with my awesome cuteness.

Or possibly just take a nap.