One Week Away

I am one week away from my first craft fair.

I feel completely unprepared. I planned to try and have a few of each type of item made, so I could get some feedback from people. I have kids purses (quilted and crocheted), crocheted baby bibs, a few crocheted baby hats, a couple of crochted scarves... I have some potholders that might be ready soon (I'm praying so), a crapload of dishclothes... but nothing else. I had planned to sew girls shirts, skirts, and pants... but I haven't even cut out the patterns.

I have no vendor's licenses.

I have no idea how I'm going to display all of this.

I don't have a cash box.

Basically... I'm scared out of my mind.

But.... every new adventure starts out with some fear and terror, right? lol

Save the Drama...

for your mama.

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "What Rules Do You Wish to Make or Break?"

I wish I could break the rule in my head, the one that binds me and keeps me in situations (specifically jobs) where I take abuse, again and again and again... and believe i have ot take it. Maybe my rule is that good girls have to take it... when the coworker insults me, I take it... I don't have the power... I'm trapped by my finances...

Whatever.

As my job draws to a close (thank you GOD - 7 workdays left!) I am amazed at how much I've taken since starting here. I'm shocked and a little sickened to discover just how much of my heart and soul has been sucked out by this job... how heartless others have been, how insulting and demeaning and just completely sick and twisted...

And sick inside to look in the mirror, and see that I really thought I wasn't even worth the effort of fighting back for. Now I'm watching a coworker take on the role of scapegoat in my place... it just makes me sick inside. I see, in retrospect, how my confidence and love of my job was stripped away, one insult at a time... one snide comment... one humiliation...

I want to break the rule that tells me not to fight back. I want to bite with my sarcastic comments right on time, and yell back when I'm yelled at. I want to stand my ground, plant my feet, and say "this is ALL that I will take from you. BACK OFF."

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad in my life... a million different decisions to make... a million different paths to walk on...

And I'm terrified. Loosing my job has opened up several possibilities to me... the chance to go to school, the chance to try and start my own craft business, or the chance to give my soul back to corporate America and loose myself in it's depths of soulless mind-numbing evil. (I have, as you may tell from my phrasing, not chosen the last option.)

The stress of this much change, of this many decisions, of this many things I feel unqualified to decide about... it's completely overwhelming right at this moment. I want to hide, deep deep deep deep deep inside myself... I want to wait for someone else to make a decision for me, or other doors to close, so I don't have to make a choice.

But that's ridiculous... so I'll just figure something out. And until then, I'll cry a lot, and feel extreme anger... and deal. LOL

Here are some things that make me happy inside:


Create your own MySpace Countdown Counter Today!


Countdown Clocks, Flowers Countdowns at WishAFriend.com

So many choices...

I had been so excited about "giving corporate America the finger" after I lost my job, and going to school to get my social work degree...

And then I heard about another job possibility. It's similar to what I'm doing now - high workload, job isn't finished when you go home at night... but in a more laid-back atmosphere, with more interaction with human beings... which is WONDERFUL and exciting!

So what do I do? Do I risk it all, hoping to make a living selling crafts in a horrible economy, and hoping everything goes through okay so I can enroll in college? Or do I take the safe route, sell my soul back to corporate America, and pray this new venture is better than the one before?

Can I change to this new job and still take classes? Does it allow flexibile enough hours for me to do so? What are their expectations of me? Will I be able to find a reliable person to help me sell at craft fairs, especially if I have to be at work on Fridays?

Lots of questions... but you know what? No matter where my path leads, I know good things are in store... no matter how much bad there is, there is ALWAYS good to look forward to.

2 Months, 4 Days

Thats how much time until I'm officially unemployed.

I'm completely terrified (think upset stomach and panic attacks) and completely excited about telling corporate America to "Kiss This!" and starting my own business as I get my social work degree.

I unpacked the crafty things I had made in the past, which was awesome... Forever ago I had tried to make quilted baby bibs, which were really cute but not practical AT ALL. I was inspired this weekend to change them all into little girls purses... I think they will be awesome!

I've also been crocheting little girls flowered purses like this in a variety of colors...

I currently am making the "petals" for more purses in blue, light purple, dark purple, pink with green edges, pink with purple edges, and... more colors I can't remember at the moment.

I'm also excited because it's SPRING!!!! Warmer weather, fresh air.... ahhhhhhhhhh... *happy sigh*

2 Months and a Week

That's how long I have until I'm officially unemployed. Holy crap... that doesn't seem like much time!!!! I have a lot to do... I want to start selling my crafts as soon as my job ends! I'm crocheting and sewing up a storm here, and panicking that maybe I won't get enough done or be ready. PLUS I plan to start classes toward my social work degree at the same time... busy busy busy!!!!

So, I decided to take my goals here, and make them into a tidy to-do list of things I want to get done in the next two weeks. I'll mark them off as they are done, and life will be great.

Business:

1. Unpack and organize all craft things
2. Wash the already-made items
3. Price and pack the already-made items
4. Find list of events coming up
5. Post wanted items on Freecycle
6. Check Freecycle for responses - Mon, Wed, Friday, Sunday, Tues, Thurs, Sat
7. Look into selling at Latta's Vintage Market and other locations locally
8. Make price tags
9. Look into business cards (Moo cards?)
10. Organize crochet patterns into a binder
11. Make quilted bibs into cute purses
12. Finish making baby stacking toy
13. Make 5 beehive potholder
14. Finish sewing my shirt

Financial:

1. Make a budget
2. Do taxes (Find W-2s, Read Pub 527, Print forms, Do federal taxes, Do state taxes)
3. Contact Work One
4. Sign up for workshops offered to "displaced" workers at my job

Educational:

1. Apply as an actual student
2. Pay money owed to college #1
3. Request my husband's transcripts
4. Request my transcripts

Blah blah blah, these are my goals... this is probably the most boring blog post I've ever written, but putting goals on here gives me motivation lol

A Difference

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "Where do you wish to make a difference." This seems like an awesome question for me today, as I had my meeting for "displaced" employees this afternoon... seeing the other employees who were cut was pretty traumatic, but one very very very good thing happened:

I found out that I CAN take college classes WHILE drawing unemployment. In fact, because I am "displaced," they may even help PAY for my classes!!!

Suddenly I actually have the tools at my fingertips to accomplish my dream - to become a social worker, and make a difference!

CAN one person make a difference? Yes, I wholeheartedly believe they can. One person, being kind to a person from another country, can make a difference toward world peace. One person, being generous to another, can cause a ripple of generosity to spread and make the world a little less selfish. If even one child is given a word of encouragement when life seems like more than they can take, when they feel like it's impossible to overcome the obstacles in their way, or when everyone else is telling them it's not even worth trying... generations of children to come can be affected.

Do I feel strong enough for this? No. I feel completely inadequate. I am terrified of huge caseloads and broken children slipping through cracks. I'm worried that I'll become overwhelmed by the pain of those around me, or frustrated beyond repair by adults who can't see the damage they do to each other and their children. But for this moment, I'm chosing to give it a shot, and to show love and encouragement to as many children as I can for as long as I can take it. Maybe it is just a tiny drop in the gnormous bucket of abuse... but it's one more drop than there would be without me.

Dreams and Dizziness

It's been an eventful few days. My friend's wedding reception was last night, I've been crocheting like crazy until I have a chance to get to Hobby Lobby and buy some boxes to paint or collage and sell, and today is the day my dad died. No plans to do anything today... no car to take to the cemetery or to use an go do a good deed in his name. I feel really numb inside anyway... I'll probably cry later. In the meantime I'll wait for the beloved to come home, and then take him out on a date. *giggle* In other news...

Last night I had a nightmare, for the first time in a long time. (Mainly because I rarely dream.) I went into this old house, one I had been to before, with a group of people. My friend Karima, some girls from church, and others I didn't recognize were there. We went into the house, and I was worried... I remembered being there before, and bad things happening, but nothing specific. When we opened the door, there was another set of doors inside, and between was an older lady wearing a red outfit - I had seen her before, and knew something horrible was happening. The others from the group opened the second door from the right, and I screamed for them to stop! I grabbed Karima and kept her from going, and I screamed as the door shut behind the others, and then there was only silence.

I found myself back at the house again, later, alone this time. I went through the first door to the right, and explored. I found people around me, a soldier, a nerd... there was a "church" where people were sitting, worshipping... a store where they sold New Age stuff and some very cute candles... and dolls without heads. I looked everywhere, and then made my way out... Only to find that the people were at the doors, and wouldn't let me out. Suddenly I was a child, and ran beneath their arms to escape out the door. I ran, and ran... I ran into the woods, and to a house... I grabbed a can of biscuit dough and threw little pieces behind me now and then, and they expanded to slow down the woman behind me. Eventually, I somehow led her to the house of a FBI agent, and woke up safely.

Wierd.

In other news, I had another dizzy spell... the first one I've had in a long while. I had them frequently for a while, but the doctor didn't know what caused them. They stopped a while, started again in September or October, and then started again this week. I had an ear infection, so that might be why... but it was very wierd. I wasn't as dizzy as normal, but I was very weak and VERY shakey... and completely terrified. I cried, and cried, and cried... it was horrible. Finally I ate a Hostess cherry pie, and felt some better (could it be blood sugar?), but was drained all day. Finally feeling better today, just icky because I still have a sinus & ear infection.

Anyway, these are the life and times of the short cute one... what's new in your life?

Dishclothing My Way

So, my last day of work is officially May 15th now. I have my letter from the university, materials about what happens next, and.... a plan.

I've decided that corporate America seriously bites and has drained large amounts of my soul. If there is ANY possible way to avoid another job working for The Man, I'm gonna give it a shot.

What does that mean for the future? Well, several ideas have come to mind, most of which are not yet ready to be aired on this blog. One, however, is ready for sharing:

I want to try and really make a business out of my art and crochet.

As phase 1 of this plan, I plan to try and stockpile items so that I can begin selling at local craft fairs. As I stockpile them, I'll put some in a local vintage market to see what sells there as well. I'll see what people like and don't like, and change what I make accordingly.

Right now, I'm focusing on dishclothes. I've been focusing on them for a while, and have made a ton of dishclothes. I've made them in many colors, many textures, using many patterns... I've made plain squares, attempted a circle, and created flower and butterfly shaped dishclothes. I've given a lot away though, which means that after all of this crocheting, I have a stockpile of only 17 dishclothes. My goal is to have a stock of at least 50 before I move onto making new items.

I really want to make a progress bar on my blog for this... does anyone know where I can find one? I've searched all over creation... no luck.

Okay, I'm going to go watch a stargate episode and make some dishcloths now. Have a lovely day everyone, and thanks for reading! :)

Just so ya know...

Sometimes life hits you so far below the belt, you wonder if you can stand.

I haven't been writing on this blog... my blog appears to be no longer my sacred safe spot... I shared the link to my blog with a friend when she was going through a low time, not knowing until later that others, who appear to not be my friends, had access to the e-mail I sent.

But you know what? I don't really care. My life 95% an open book, and that 5% isn't posted here LOL (This IS a PG rated blog, and I AM a married woman! HA!)

I was going to write more, but I just don't have the emotional energy to lay it all out on the table today. I just wanna kick a small animal, and then go to sleep. Some days, that's all ya can do, ya know?

Where Do I Go From Here?

Today I got big news - the university I work at has been talking about layoffs for some time. Originally they were going to announce the layoffs over Spring break. (March ish.) Then they were going to announce the layoffs in Feb. Today my boss took me out for lunch... and told me the university had decided to eliminate my position. It wasn't personal, they didn't look at the people in the positions, they just looked at which one seemed least essential and cut it.

I have until June 30.

I should probably be upset... but I'm not. I almost broke when a coworker looked like he wanted to cry when he told me how sorry he was... I teared up when I found out my boss had went to my friend and coworker while I was in class, to tell her I would be needing a friend today... and when I found out my supervisor had told the same friend how proud she should be of me, for handling it in a professional manner, no tears or emotions - business as usual the rest of the day.

I've had a lot of drama at this job - good drama, bad drama, in-between drama... I've loved this job, hated this job, and everything in between...

But I'm TOTALLY ready for something new. I'm not sure what direction my life will take - where I will work, what I will do. Due to beaurocratic red tape, I may not be able to take classes this semester. I can't say where the next chapter in my journey will take me... will I use the unemployment period to look for a great job, really focus on getting an art business started? Will God maybe open a door for my husband and I to travel abroad as English teachers? (How fun would that be?!) Could I start a business tutoring people in English? Will I maybe end up pregnant, and need the time to take care of myself during my pregnancy? Who knows! The possibilities... are limitless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next step - talk to HR, find out more about my situation. Find details about the severance packages, etc. Keep an eye out for "the perfect job". Make my resume - really focus on updating my office skills - and make LOTS of art. I haven't unpacked my Mod-Podge. I have crocheted some, but I have not really put my heart into any artwork. I have a box I absolutely ADORE, and should make like 6 more similar to. Why haven't I done that already?? I have learned to do some basic needlework, and can really have fun making, renovating, and embellishing kids clothes.

Really, truly, the possibilities ARE limitless.

Today

Today I'm hurting
trying to find faith
to learn from this
to believe I'm not being punished

Today I'm tired
will this journey ever end?

Today I'm overwhelmed
So much to do
So little time to do it
There's only so much of me to go around

Today I'm searching for faith
for hope
for strength to belive that you're with me
That you won't leave me
That you're with me and not against me
That it will be okay

Back to Blogging

So, my life has completely gone down the toilet. We're still not done in the house. We still can't live in the house. James is living with Pam and Tim to be close to his job. I'm living with Karima to be close to my job.

No, our marriage is not over, we are not seperating except physically while we try to salvage our financial life, get heat turned on in our house, and destroy the evil substance known as mold from our casa. I won't go into the crap I'm taking for this, the humiliation in front of the students at my job (thanks mother-in-law, that was kind. But in happy news, all of my friends hate you, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.), and in front of my coworkers because of hateful gossips. (And if you want to give me advice concerning my marriage, right now is not the time, unless you can avoid thrown objects VERY well, because my aim completely rocks.)

I've learned a lot from it... like the fact that when I went off of my anti-anxiety medicine and thought my life was so much better... I was really just making my life into a bubble. I cut everyone but my husband out... barely saw friends, avoided family, and made my home into my refuge filled with peace and art and love. Now I can't hide... my refuge is gone... and I'm falling apart. Debating medication again, but trying to see if I can make it on my own, learn from this experience, maybe grow through it.

Completely filled with anger right now... anger at life, at people, at everything. Depressed... but making it. Still working on my house, still living my life, just not really myself at the moment. Dealing with social anxiety, crap at work, feeling like a failure to God, my husband, my friends... completely imperfect and not at all okay with it.

But whatever. Life is wierd, and crazy, and people suck... but some people don't suck. I've lost my peace and security, but I've gained a friend who is now my sister... which is fun and interesting. The Princess will be introduced to you all in a later post.

For now I need to mud a wall so James can sand it tomorrow, and then I can paint when I get home. Wooo hooo! Each drop of paint, each glob of mud neatly smeared, brings us one step closer to moving back into my home. Until that day comes... I'm gonna jump into this wierdly imperfect new life I've found... make new friends, enjoy my new social life, and just generally rock the world with my awesome cuteness.

Or possibly just take a nap.

Life Updates in Pictures

So how are things in my life? I thought I'd give you a little tour in pictures:
We're still preparing to re-roof the house next month... one of our helpers has bailed, we have to make sure the other one can be there or we may have to try and find a way to budget a professional to come do it. For now it's patched up, and we're ripping out moldy ceilings and such (well, sort of... long story, which will require way more pics.) to try and keep any biohazards out. Anyway, note the light gray patching which I did, and later covered with black roofing patch... much less water is leaking into the bedrooms now!

Sarah-doggie, pictured here looking perplexed at a doggie treat, is loving being an indoor doggie but shedding like CRAZY!!! What hte heck?????

M, the unofficially-adopted daughter, had her 18th birthday in May! Here we are celebrating at Red Lobster. Behind us, you might notice, is the huge aquarium with the large crabs. We ate some of their cousins during our meal... I was not too impressed, but James and M liked them! I enjoyed the shrimp, and shockingly... I enjoyed the stuffed mushrooms, which DID contain both lobster and crab meats.

Here are greens and brocolli growin in my garden, along with weeds and the impossible-to-remove poppies.

My husband has decided to grow a goatee. HOT, is he not? it's getting longer and fuller these days too.

Yes, I did build a trellis completely out of bits of leftover yarn and discarded yarned creations. I planted two very-cool types of beans that climb this year... I forget what kind these are, but the others are called asparagus beans and the instructions tell you to pick the beans, for best flavor, when they are eighteen INCHES or smaller. I kid you not... the things should be huge! How fun is that?!

As always, poison ivy is attempting to steal my soul. Here it is growing in my garden/poppy patch.
Sarah-doggie, looking cute like always.

And last but not least... a pic and poem.

bowed

imperfect

Beautiful

Powerless

Sometimes life throws you for a loop, watches you hit the ground with a loud *splat*, and laughs as you writhe in pain.

My work life is a little like that right now.

I'm trying to take a step back from my emotions lately, and ask "what can I learn from what I'm feeling?" It's been deeply therapeutic... but... on this, I have no idea where to go. In the course of one day, I went from doing one person's job to two persons' jobs, while also being told I would also be running errands for a staff member with an axe to grind.

If I say I can't get everything done, I'm whining.
If I keep quiet and can't get everything done, I'm incompitent.
If I point out that the staff member who asked for my "assistance" just wanted to punish me because she didn't get a promotion because my friend did, I'm bitter and angry.

I feel completely powerless.

In general, I love my job. I love being where I can have at least some minimal interaction with students from around the world. I love working in an office that supports all kinds of activities for student groups. I love the people I work with (with one exception), and am really and truly shocked that this was allowed to happen in front of the entire office staff. I have no intention of quitting my job, so I'm setting some limits for myself:

No working late without pay.
No working through lunch without pay.
No worrying about work when I leave the job - I can't meet expectations that are completely ludicrus.

I WILL do my best work each day... but I do not have the time nor the motivation to sell my soul to a job. I have a career I'm working toward and classes I'm taking. I have a husband and a household to keep up with. I have body that we're working to help be healthy so that a child can grow inside it. I will NOT give myself gray hairs, ulcers, or other health problems just to try and meet impossible expectations. I will not fill my body with toxic chemicals (caffine) in order to accomplish more tasks in less time, nor will I fill my soul with toxic emotions that affect my physical and emotional health.

And I'll take an honest look at my job - what I'm doing and how I'm doing it - to see what I can improve. Are there things I can do to make my work more efficient? Am I wasting time on tasks that are low priority instead of focusing on the priority tasks? Am I wasting time because things are not organized in my office realm? What can I change in my work life to accomplish more in the limited time I'm given each day?

In the end, I alone have the true power over my job.

Updates on Jana's Life

WOW! Life is busy but way fun!!!!

In news here:

I have completed several things from my 101 things in 1001 days project:
#3 Volunteer at WILL center or Special Olympics - Completed this today by volunteering at the Special Olympics. I worked at the volunteer sign-in tent, so didn't have much contact with the athletes or families, but it was really a great experience either way. Next year I'd like to interact more with the athletes.
#4 Volunteer at the ICU where my dad died, or at a CODA shelter - I tried to volunteer at the CODA shelter, but got no response when I e-mailed them about it. Felt deeply annoyed, so I volunteered elsewhere.
#15. Make a Craft with Aunt Martha - Changed from "Finish Wedding Scrapbook with Aunt Martha" after wedding scrapbook was destroyed. I haven't completed this yet, but will later this month. (I think)

We're preparing to reroof our house at the beginning of July, since parts of our ceiling have now collapsed. Scrubbing everything down with bleach to kill mold, scouting yard scales and begging on Freecycle for tools, and reading book after book about roof repair and replacement.... this is our married life at the moment. I can't wait to have this all FIXED!!!

I'm learning more and more Arabic, which makes me feel happy inside.

We're doing a lot of yard work, so our yard is looking MUCH better. I'll post pics some other time.

I've discovered that my social anxiety has gotten worse. Now not only does the thought of speaking a foreign language to someone I know make me ill, but the thought of making a new friend makes me want to projectile vomit with fear. (Okay, that was a little bit overdramatic, but seriously... I was sick to my stomach and in tears Friday after trying to make a friend.) Why is it that I can learn strange foreign languages, program databases, organize anything that I see, and make an A in honors English... but basic social interactions make me physically ill? I discussed this with my friend Pam, and we delved deeply into my childhood experiences with rejection, and how vulnerable friendships make me feel now. I'm not really sure where to go or what to do with this issue, but it will probably be discussed (or re-hashed) on my blog at later dates. If I had time, I would REALLY like to do some intuitive collage regarding this... maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Now it's time for bed... I'll try to post on here more often and be a better blog-reader, but no promises. Econ 100 will be starting this Monday and I'll have 4 quizzes and one final exam each week... I'll be a bit busy. LOL

Instead of Typing...

I'm going to blog. I need a break from paper-writing for a few.

So, what's new in all of your lives? For me...

IT'S GARDEN TIME! Inspired by a post at Robyn's blog, I will tell you a little about my garden adventures. Unfortunately, since it is dark, this post will not have visual aids. *sniffle* I'm sure my camera would take some interesting pics with the flash, but it would just not be the same.

So, what have i planted so far? Welll.... of the things that I've planted, the following have emerged from the ground:

Broccoli, Brussel sprouts, collard greens, mustard greens, lettuce, 3 types of onions, and chives.

The following are also planted:

Leeks, snap peas, spinach mustard geens, cauliflawr (you know, I just typed that word like 5 different ways and none look right... whatever. It can just stay wrong.), another type of lettuce, dill, cilantro, parsley, lemon basil, and savory.

OH! And for the first time EVER, I have sweet peas growing in the yard! I have successfully killed them the past 2 or three summers... but this year, they are STILL ALIVE! Wooooooo!!!!

Also, since it is garden time, do you all remember what this means?

POISON IVY.

We've brought the doggie inside, and of course any time I let her out to play, she gets into the ivy. We're working as fast as possible to get all of the ivy out of our yard, but it is not going so well. I HAVE cleared off a must bigger portion of the ground than last year, and at a much earlier part of the year. In fact, part of it is cleared enough that once hubby puts the debris in a bag (he's not allergic... douchebag.), I may even plant some carrots there. I've not only cleared the ground, I've even used the hoe to dig the ground up and get the roots out. In all honesty though, I started clearing this patch of ground last year, so it should definately be more clear lol.

In other news, my pastor has challenged us to not think or speak negative things... we are even supposed to keep a container in our house, to put a quarter in each time we say something negative.

I just put a quarter in for calling my husband a douchebag earlier in this post...

It was WELL worth it. :o)

Almost There!!!!!!

I'm now about 3/4 of the way through my first semester as a college student!! *happy clap* I have classes until the end of April, and finals the first week of May... two major papers due in the meantime, plus some other assignments and tests, and 13.75 hours of volunteer work. (Sound exhausting? LOL it is.)

I'm doing one paper on Childhood Emotional Abuse (for my Social Work class) and one on Gay/Lesbian foster parents (for my English class, but the sources will be re-used for my next Social Work class, where I have to do another "population paper" talking about a particular group of people). What am I learning?

Re: Childhood Emotional Abuse - OMW! No one can even DEFINE what "emotional abuse" is, let alone give any worthwhile statistics about the subject! I found it VERY frustrating. ARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!

Re: Gay/Lesbian foster parents - Absolutely nothing, because I haven't read any of the journal articles I printed off yet! LOL There IS a lot more information online than I expected though, so that will be nice. I have six or seven articles to choose from, and I'm not even done searching! Remember how this winter I tried to find studies about how the children of gay/lesbian parents were affected, and came up with a whole bunch of nothin?? I'm hoping these will shed some light on the subject. :o)

*~*~*~*~*~*

My volunteer work is going really well, I plan to keep volunteering when my class is done if at all possible. As a result of my volunteer time, I'm working (again) to learn ASL, and my basketball skills are definately improving! James went with me last week, and ended up playing basketball with the kiddos for the ENTIRE 3 hours that we were there (as a player most of the time, and as a ref some of the time). He was beyond exhausted when we got home LOL

*~*~*~*~*~*

I was going to give a lot more news here, but honestly I have a migrane and just want to head to bed... so I think that's what I'll do. I've been having migranes for the past week pretty heavily... can't wait for that to end.

Ugg.

Is it better to have a job that you know you can do and do well, so that every day you leave feeling like you are the queen of the world, or a job where you are so deeply challenged that you leave every day thinking "Holy crap, I completely and totally SUCK!"?

Work, quite honestly, is sucking right now. It feels like centuries since I've received a compliment of any kind, the supervisory personnel are on this new "shorten the time it takes" kick, at the same time they are adding new responsibilities, and every day this week I've left my job with my head down, wondering why I can't make this job work. I've been in trouble this week for items not being done fast enough, for looking angry in a meeting, and for sounding too emotional in e-mails. (Which, now that I think about it, may be a miscommunication - a comment or two sent to the supervisor, which she thought was sent to others. Must explain that later.)

I'm just feeling really low today... worrying that I won't have a job to go back to, that I'm just not up to the standards of this department.

Enough wallowing... time to form a plan. What can I do about the people I work with who are causing these problems? Nothing. What can I do about feeling like I completely suck and have no worth? A LOT.

Since I feel like every area of my life is in chaos at the moment, I'll begin by setting some small goals for myself in my outside-of-work life, and accomplishing them. Cleaning up certain areas of my office, for example. I will give myself a facial tomorrow, and dress extra-nicely next week - not for the office's benefit, but for my own... so that I can hold my head up high. I'll work this weekend to get ahead on my homework, so that I can stop worrying about that. I'll make a new budget for us for the month of April, so that our finances are in order.

And I'll pray... that I myself will have a right attitude, and do my absolute best job each day - and if others are being unfair, or treating me in a way that they shouldn't, that their actions would be revealed for what they are.

While I pray, I'll remember that I'm not at this job to make friends or be popular. I'm at this job for two reasons: to get my education at 85% off, and to pay my bills. I can take a LOT of crap to get my education and pay my bills.

Time to make my little to-do list and accomplish some things! AFTER my inner child and I color a picture.