Jana's Journeys

The Accident

2012-01-15T22:06:00.000-08:00

This December my life was changed in a way I still cannot completely comprehend.

I was driving to pick my husband up for work one day, and noticed a lot of police cars going ahead of me. I didn't really think much about that... just wondered where they were going, and then thought about other things. Eventually I noticed traffic slowing in front of me, and noticed the cars in front of me needing to turn onto side streets. The police weren't directing traffic well, and so some cars were turning to the right and others were turning to the left. I turned to the right. Apparently, I should have turned to the left. I drove a block after turning right... then made a left after a block. I followed a string of cars up maybe three blocks on a side street, and then followed them as they turned to the left to get back to the highway. Once we got to the highway, we found it blocked and turned around. I went back a block, and then had to decide if I wanted to try and backtrack and get back onto the highway, which would most likely be slow and possibly even impossible, or try to follow the side street and make my own detour. I chose the side street. I went farther, and then turned to get back onto the highway. I figured I MUST have avoided the accident by that point, since I was probably a mile past the first police cars... so I drove back to the highway.

And found myself less than 6 feet from a burned out shell of a car. I was marveling at this amazing sight (Moment of confession: I really like fire.) when I looked up and saw a sheet placed over the window.

A white sheet. Covering the burned up remains... of a person.

I was sick inside. I drove onto the highway (what the heck else does one do? I was in shock!) and then cried all the way to pick up my husband.

We watched the news that night... apparently a 25 year-old-man was driving his car, when he was rear-ended by another car. His car instantly burst into flame, shooting fireballs into the air. One moment he was alive... the next he was dead. Just that quick. I couldn't even process the events. I couldn't comprehend what I had seen, let alone make sense of it.

The next day I drove to take my husband to and from work... passing the same spot on the road. I cried again... I couldn't stop thinking of him. I grew depressed.

We found out that my husband worked with his mom. He was a federal prison officer. He was a fire department volunteer. He was just. so. young.

Later we noticed the burn marks on the highway where his car had burnt the highway. Again... I wanted to be sick.

A few days later, after getting my husband from work, we tried to get onto the highway... and we saw a funeral procession. The funeral procession of the young man. Again, I cried. How could a life end so fast!? So out of the blue? With no warning?!

Last week, as I drove, I saw a cross by the side of the road, beside the burn marks on the highway. I plan to get an artificial red rose, and place it by the cross.

I'm still sickened by what I saw. I took more time to pray... to really think. I still can't understand what happened... I still don't know why I made that wrong turn. I don't know why I was a witness to the scene in the car. I know that I am changed... every day I pray when I get in my car. I pray for myself, for my husband... and I pray for the others driving that day. I am more careful when I'm driving... I posted lectures on my Facebook warning people about the dangers of tailgating, reminding them that 2 seconds of speed are not worth the life of another person... but it feels like an inadequate response to the depth of what happened to me. I feel like my life should reflect the change that has happened inside of me... but how?

New Semester - New Start

2012-01-15T20:20:00.000-08:00

Every day is a new beginning.

I just finished my first week of a new semester... one that I hope will be much better than the semesters before. I have four classes this semester instead of six, which should be a great help. I have an internship, which means I'll actually be doing social work instead of just studying it!! Wooooo!!!!!!! I'll be working with kids, families, and paperwork in a local social service organization.

What else is new? I'm currently obsessing over jewelry-making and ASL. I made my first piece of jewelry... I'll try to take some pics to attach later. I'm not sure what to do about my ASL obsession... not sure where to find deaf people locally or even online who would help me learn, or what I could do for them so it's an even exchange. And what is stimulating this interest? At the moment, I'm pretty sure it is the desire to be deaf as I live in my noisy little apartment world. Right now, I am pretty convinced that my upstairs neighbors are jumping up and down on the floor for no aparent reason...

*putting on clothes and going upstairs to ask them to stop*

And of course, when I get there, they are quiet... until I get back downstairs, and back into my jammies. *sigh* Oh well. Put my clothes back on, and they were quiet again... waiting for more noise before I go up and knock.

In other news, I'm posting a new series of discussion questions on Facebook, which I'm pretty excited about... we're taking apart each of the Republican candidates and analyzing our likes and dislikes. Fun!!!!! I did a similar thing on my blog during the Democratic primaries in 2008, but analyzed different candidates by issues. May do that again later down the line, because I learned a lot!

I had calls from two different friends today, asking where I had been and why I hadn't answered phone calls. I was so antisocial over the holidays... I was sad, depressed, and basically just wanted the world to go away. I wanted to hide deep inside, and take a break. I had two major fights with two close friends last semester, and I just needed some time away from the pressure... the pressure to make people happy, to make everyone like me, to be enough for all the voices screaming their needs at me. This semester, I'm going to try again to work on making healthy friendships... to let go of friendships that drag me down, and hang on to friendships that are more or less equal and healthy. I also need to stop hiding... and start being a friend to the friends worth having.

Much easier said than done, I think!

Almost free!!!

2011-12-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

So here I am, at the end of my first semester as a social work student. I am, in all honesty, exhausted and frustrated. My grades this semester are okay, with the exception of one class... we started out with one professor, she broke her shoulder and had to resign, and the new professor didn't work out so well. And she's the chair of my department... so I can't exactly complain to anyone about it lol And another professor... well... don't even get me started on her. *frustrated*

But I have two more exams tomorrow, and then this semester is DONE and I will be so glad. How do I plan to spend my holiday, you may wonder?

I want to hug the snot out of my neice and nephew, who I have not seen in about 3 weeks.

I want to clean out my bedroom and craft room and get them organized.

I want to learn to make wire jewely and beaded jewelry, because they are pretty and sparkly.

And last but not least, I want to make this, just because I can:

Cute little kiddo in a crocheted hat with a crocheted beard.

Media Drama...

2011-12-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

You know what I like about having a blog? I like being able to toss things around in my mind on here, and analyze them with feedback from others that may help me see issues from another light. So what am I thinking about today? The media.

We are learning about the workings of the American media in relation to American politics, and I have learned a lot. For example, did you know that just 10 major corporations own almost all of the major newspapers, magazines, national TV networks, cable stations, etc. within the US??? How crazy is that... corporations (which exist purely for profit) are responsible for giving information that can change the course of a nation. That makes me really wonder how much of the news we receive is manufactured for someone else's greed. When we hear about reasons to go to war, how much of that is made by companies that also own weapons factories and other companies that benefit from war?

And what about what we DON'T see??? How much news coverage do we see about tobacco issues? Is it because the news isn't what we are interested in, or because the companies that control the media also own tobacco interests? How many things that are vital for the public to learn of are buried just because of this media situation?

I need to ponder this more in my head, make my thoughts more eloquent and well-rounded on this topic, but for the moment just let me say:

This scares me to the core.

Growth from the Ashes

2011-11-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

So here I am, back to blogging. The last two years of my life were like a whirlwind of activity. Marriage, work, school, church, friends... it seemed to suck up every moment of my life.

How, you may be wondering, do I have time to blog now? Well, the answer is very long and complicated, but the answer boils down to the fact that my life has kind of fallen to pieces around me. I put way too much of myself into my friendships, and it didn't really go so well. I made mistakes, I badly hurt one friend, and somehow managed to badly hurt another as I tried so hard to help her... I showed too much of myself, I let people get to close, and they saw my weaknesses. I put the relationships that mattered on a backburner while i pursued these new friendships.... I forgot how good it felt just to spend night after night alone with my husband, my God, and friends who I trusted.

Now I'm sitting alone on the computer, in the middle of the night. My confidence has been pretty much shattered, and I am spending a lot of time asking myself "who are you really?" I've seen some really bad things in myself through this process, and I know I really need to make some changes. I'm entering a time in my life where I just want to be alone in my house, with my husband and my computer. Friends are good, but I don't really want anyone close for a while. I need some time to heal and regroup. I want to deep-clean my house, make yummy foods and fill my freezer, make a million different artistic creations, get my spiritual life back on track, and just generally be okay with my own company again. I haven't written poems or created any new art in so long... no wonder I feel like my soul is unraveling around me LOL

Temporary Motherhood

2011-07-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

My life took a dramatic turn on Friday night, when I looked on facebook and saw that my sister-in-law was at the ER. She has a broken foot, and no way to take care of her two babies, Lillyan (age 2 and 1/2) and Steven (age 13 months). Now, for an undetermined amount of time, I have two babies in my house.

Crap, aunt Janet has a LOTTTTTTTTT of work to do on herself before she has her own kids.

I've found myself repeatedly snapping at the kids, and later regretting it. I need to learn to love the babies and enjoy them, instead of trying to make my house a perfectly organized boot camp.

I also have to learn to get the 1 year old out of the tub ASAP, preferably BEFORE he poops in the tub... and to ask my husband to duct tape the lid of the strawberry milk mix down BEFORE it spills all over the diaper bag and all its contents.

So, for right now, I'm going to be trying to balance my sewing and alteration business, my new English tutoring business, my normal life/wife/friendship duties, and the needs of two small children living with me for the next day/week/month.

Crap. Any advice?

For now, I will be helping my family by learning from others about how they have improved their lives. I'm doing to participate in Biblical Womanhood Friday, which can be found here:

And I'm going to have to be very, very, very organized!!!! My friend will watch the babies during my English lessons, and my husband can probably watch them while I sew... and one way or another, we'll figure this whole thing out!!!

Out of Control

2011-06-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Twice in my life I have been so wound up with uncontrolable stress that I have needed to compulsively organize bins in stores. The first time was right before my wedding (the worst time of my life.) and the second was another day at Walmart.

Yesterday I almost had to do it again.

I feel so fragile right now. I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and so am I. I'm completely behind on my goals for the summer. I have sacrificed productivity to avoid lonliness, but now wish for time alone but can't handle it when it comes.

I'm afraid that I'm pregnant. I'm afraid to believe that I'm pregnant, because what if I'm wrong? Can I handle the pressure of truly hoping for a pregnancy and then getting the period-of-all-hope-is-lost? I want to be pregnant, but I feel unprepared. What the heck does a woman do when she gets pregnant? I need to read the books about the subject, but who has the time?

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry, but the work needing to be done in my life screams at me at the top of it's lungs and I can't ignore it long enough to truly rest.

I can't sleep at night. I sleep late in the day. I waste precious hours fighting to sleep and then more hours losing the fight to wake up.

I really need a vacation, or perhaps this is a delayed result of no happy pills?

I want to ask for help, but the last time someone saw my weak moment, she lost all respect for me. She said cruel and horrible things that I honestly have not been able to forgive. I think somewhere along the way I vowed to never again show weakness to a friend, because I never want to be hurt that way again.

So I badly need help, I feel horribly weak and fragile, but know that reaching out for help is not in any way a possibility.

This bites.

The best laid plans...

2011-06-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

The best laid plans NEVER work, so why do I try? *dramatic sigh*

This weekend, I made a to-do list for each day this week. Since I don't have a new daily planner yet, this is a good way for me to not forget appointments, keep track of what I need to do each day, etc...

Or it would be...

If I actually looked at the to-do lists.

This week and last week both went insane, and the to-do lists were totally lost in the shuffle. For example: Sunday night I had a horrible IBS flare-up, which pretty much knocked me out of commission for a day. Then, I couldn't sleep Monday night. Or Tuesday night. And not a whole lot last night either. I'm now kind of a walking zombie... who is caring for a friend's 8-year old son for two days because his babysitter (aka his aunt) is having drama in her life and would be mean to him.

So yeah, this week did not go AT ALL as planned.

But really... was it all bad? Nope. When a friend asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her, we talked and bonded, and I crocheted components for a bracelet. When I was invited to a party with just a few hours notice, I got to hug and cuddle a new baby (he is only 10 days old!) and I ended up selling a broach and getting an alteration order, plus I will be making another broach and a bracelet in the future for another woman. I was also asked if I could embroider flowers. I of course replied that I could not, but would be learning soon :o)

So, my total profits for sure from that unexpected event will be $16. The other broach and bracelet should get me $11 more, plus several of the women seemed interested in the bracelets. Not bad for a party I wanted to go to anyway lol

In sad news, I'm wayyyyyyy behind in my alterations, and have to send an apology message to a customer. That always stinks. I think when she sees the finished product though, she will be more than happy.

So, there you have it... I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion, and my to-do lists are not at all working... but my house is freakishly clean, my laundry is done, my customers are mostly happy, and an 8-year old is happily playing Lego Star Wars in my living room. Life is pretty awesomely good.

Owwies and Originals

2011-06-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I as going about my daily life, when I had a horrible horrible pain in my stomach. A long long time ago, when I was 17, I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome after having similar horrendous pains. I watched my diet now, and generally had only mild problems. This week I'd been particularly good, and not consumed any soda whatsoever... so I'm a little perplexed as to why the pains came. They're both good and bad... bad, obviously, because THEY HURT. Good, however, because I feel so supported by the community at my apartment. Two friends asked if I needed any help, and one offered to stay with me, let me stay with her, and even do my laundry if I couldn't. Very very awesome.

Another good thing is that this has slowed me down, and helped me to focus a little more on my craft business. Believe it or not, right now my crafts are not the main part of my business - alterations are. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep them up... right now I'm spending a lot of time for a little money... but I am hoping that by the time school starts and my time is much more scarce, I will be able to do the alterations much more quickly. For now, I'm enjoying the process of learning and earning some $ in the process.

AND, the coolest thing, is that I've been asked to MAKE a shirt... something I really want to do anyway. Now, before I make one for the client, I will make one for myself in a different fabric. I can show her what MY almost-original design will actually look like in real life, so she knows what she is buying, and I will be able to tell her with confidence that I CAN make the shirt.

All in all, life is good right now.

Except for the pain. LOL

Blah

2011-06-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

Ever have a day when you just feel blah?? Yeah, today is one of those days for me. I want to sleep... curl up in a tiny tiny ball and pretend that the world doesn't exist.

Does this mean I'm pregnant? I don't know. Part of me is afraid to hope, but part of me is so so so hopeful. I'm tired, I'm queasy... is it a virus? Is it stress? Or could it be a tiny little Jana or little James, swimming around?

This question drives me crazy.

Random Question...

2011-06-09T01:12:00.001-07:00

I've been doing a lot of cooking of Arabic foods lately...

Would anyone be interested in me putting up some recipes or instructions?

Poor Mr. Beloved

2011-06-09T01:02:00.000-07:00

So Mr. Beloved is staying home from work sick again today... he has a high fever (101.?), he has thrown up, and has a horrible headache. I told him if he isn't better when I wake up, we're going to the doctor. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I'm thinking it's heat exhaustion. His job is in a very hot building, the heat index in Indiana has been over 100, and his car isn't air conditioned... I think it was just too hot, he's been drinking too little water, and he did to much.

Poor Guy.

So my best-laid plans for the week are gone... I can't clean the room my husband is sleeping in (my plan for today), or do a photo shoot with the little girl modeling my hairthings which was my plan for today (hubby may need to go to the doctor.)... I'm not sure I will even be able to go to Walmart to restock my craft supplies...

But as long as the Beloved is better, it's all worth it.

Poor Guy.

Gettin' Down to Bizness!

2011-06-08T02:19:00.000-07:00

Wondering how my craft business is going? Well, it may not seem like it has been going much of anywhere... I've been really busy doing alterations and such here. Underneath the craziness, though, I have been making some slow but sure progress. What have I been doing? Well...

Let me show you.

I've made a new business card/ hairclip holder for my crocheted hair clips.

I made a fun new design for handmade business cards... which I love dearly. I need to print or order some other ones once I find the business card paper i have... but for now I'm having a blast with these.

My friend came over tonight and we brainstormed ideas for jewelry. I'd love to know what you think!!

Bracelet #1

Earing #1

Heart Earring

Double heart earrings - do you think these would look better without the beads? I'm thinking so...

Earring #2

Earring #3 - My personal favorite!

Earring #4

So what do you think? Which one do you like the most?

Transformation

2011-06-05T00:13:00.000-07:00

My life is changing in so many ways, and today the emotional dam finally broke, and I had myself a good healing crying/writing/praying session.

Life has been crazy, spinning out of control. The craft business and new friendships and preparations to try to get pregnant have completely overwhelmed me. I made a budget and promptly lost it... no idea where it went. I've buried myself in Facebook games and mindless activities, hiding from my life and my emotions...

But thank God today is a new day, a new start...

I'm going to make to-do lists for each day this week, with goals for what I want to do.

I'm going to say no sometimes, and make everyone deal with it.

I'm going to make sure to schedule time with God, my husband, and my closest friends. They are my sources of strength.

I'm going to try and keep things clean so I don't have to feel overwhelmed, because that's really driving me crazy!

On a random note, can you believe I haven't had Diet Coke/Pepsi in several weeks??? I'm so proud of myself for that... slowly but surely getting my body ready for a baby. And for once, I'm feeling really hopeful about that.

Hiding Behind My Cushions

2011-05-25T00:49:00.000-07:00

If my life continues along it's present course, I may have to make that the title of my blog.

95% of my new friends have children. Most of these children are young... and some are very young. So my house is randomly invaded by small children, including my beloved niece Poopers (age 2.5) and her brother Stevenito (age 1 next week.) I also have a wierd amount of friends and neighbors with four-year-olds, which is a lot of fun. Buttttttt the problem is the little guys. Cuz, being a woman with no children, my house is not exactly childproof.

Did I mention that I sew and crochet? Yeah. This means I have needles, pins, and scissors. EVERYWHERE.

So tonight when my friend brought her 2 year old to my house, I found my house running to hide a lot of things. A LOT of things. Controllers for the Xbox, breakable picture frames, crafts I've made, etc. Eventually I learned that the simplest way to deal with this situation was when LittleGuy grabbed a forbidden object, I would grab it from him, distract him, and hide it behind my couch cushion.

By the end of the night, I had quite the little collection going. A phone, a controller, scissors, crayons, random crafts,.... and so on and so forth.

Can you imagine what will happen when we have children? LOL I'll have an entire house full of stuff, all hidden behind two couch cushions!

For a reason beyond my comprehension, this makes me feel very amused.

Buried

2011-05-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

What should I write about?

I really hate that question. I'm trying to blog faithfully, but I feel like all of the emotions and deep things I would like to blog about are buried deep down inside. I actually feel like somewhere deep underneath all that is going on now and all that I am thinking and feeling on the surface, I'm crying inside. I feel lonely, but I don't want to call anyone. I want connection, but I'm afraid of it at the same time. I want to make myself too busy for friendship, but I want friends... I just don't want to be rejected or have drama. Friends stress me out when I'm not medicated... the work that goes into making all of my friends happy is overwhelming sometimes.

I know, I know... I don't need to make everyone happy... but having someone unhappy with me feels very uncomfortable for me. It goes against every fiber of my being.

Maybe I should practice making people unhappy, just for fun. Anyone want to be my victim? hehehehe

Frustration!

2011-05-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

So life has definately changed here... and I don't know how I feel about it.

I love/hate not working and studying. I love not needing to leave the house, but I miss the social interactions with classmates and I miss the structure my days had.

I don't know if it's the fact that I have less social interactions, or if it is the fact that I'm not longer on "happy pills," but I feel very vulnerable. I am much more worried about rejection from my husband and friends here, and really feel insecure.

I know that this is the path my life is supposed to take... I know that the things I'm doing this summer (making my craft business, getting off happy pills, changing how we eat, etc.) are steps vital to the next steps in my life...

But they are SO. FREAKIN. HARD.

My friends are fighting with some other neighbors. Maybe they are mad because I'm not fighting with them... maybe they aren't... maybe they are mad that I told one of the "enemies" that the dryers on the 4th floor are currently free... or maybe they aren't mad at all. I thought the two of the women in the unit beside me would be my close friends... but one stopped talking to me and the other... well, I thought we were closer than we were, and I ranted to her about another person (she seems to be a huge pain in my but, so I will give her an official name on my blog... we will call her... EvilNeighbor.)... maybe she told the other person what I said (should have kept my mouth shut, I know.) or maybe she didn't, but she doesn't seem to show any desire for a deeper friendship... or maybe she doesn't think she can trust me, because I ranted to her about EvilNeighbor.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH social life is driving me crazy. And EvilNeighbor is driving me crazy. What the heck... why can't people just live at peace with others???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, that may have made no sense... but I'm so freakin' insecure, which was my point. I know that the amazingly confident Jana who I was on meds is still in here... the dose of pills was so small, it cant' have changed me that completely... so somehow I just need to reach the person inside, the Jana who is calm and confident, the Jana who took all of this social crap in stride and didn't worry about it....

So how do I reach her?

Going to Facebook!

2011-05-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

So I thought I should let you all know that my craft business is officially on Facebook! Check it out here if you would like: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Janas-Jewelz/210716602294053

What the Heck????

2011-05-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, twice I have tried to post a blog post, and Internet Explorer hasn't let me post it. The first time it was just a minor annoyance... I opened Firefox, and posted it there. Life was good, right?

The second time, I tried to do the same thing... a little more annoyed... but when I tried to copy the text to paste it into Firefox, IT ERASED THE WHOLE STUPID POST!!!!!!!

What the heck?????? So I will be looking today for a solution, because Firefox is not my normal browswer and I'm annoyed to have to us it just because stupid Blogger won't work.

Grr.

And while we are on the subject of "what the heck?", I have to tell you about my wonderful best friend/neighbor... Before I moved here, my former friend from Morocco had introduced me to some of her friends from other countries. I met one from Libya, one from Lebanon, and one from Saudi Arabia. The one from Saudi Arabia and I started working with each other on English and Arabic, and we became good friends. I was annoyed to have to drive across town to her house though... so when we decided to give the Mold Cube back to the bank, and had to move... her apartment complex (which was also wayyyyyyyy cheaper than most apartments) was one of the places we investigated.

Totally the best decision, ever. We moved here, and I love it. (Mr. Beloved hasn't really stated an opinion.) I've met people from all over the world here... my neighbors on my floor are from India, America, Saudi Arabia, China, and Korea I think... I've also seen people here from Libya, Kenya and Nepal! How cool is that??? Small Arabic children randomly swarm when they see me, screaming "Jan-nette!" and giving me hugs.

And the friend from Saudi Arabia? She has totally achieved best friend status now. We do almost everything together, but we have tried to let the friendship grow slowly because we don't want drama. She has four absolutely amazing kids, who I dearly love. We have had fun conversations about everything, even comparing the story of Jesus in the Bible and Quran. She has taught me to cook amazing deserts and meals, and told me all of the secrets to living in this apartment complex ( Good people, bad people, cleanup before pest control, and free washers on the fourth floor!) Oh, and when my neice and my nephew visit, she totally saves my sanity... her kids come over at night to wear the neice and nephew out... if I need something from my car, her older kids come to watch the babies while I escape for a minute... and the babies absolutely LOVE her children.

She and her children have also all learned the phrase "What the Heck?!" It's highly amusing.

Definately the best thing about living here... even better than having a real period again and not having chronic ear infections now that we live in a house without mold. And that's really saying something!!!

Going Home

2011-05-13T11:45:00.001-07:00

"I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home."

You know, I've tried to make a blog at a new site. I felt like this site might have fallen into "enemy hands", and I wasn't safe here anymore. So I tried to blog at wordpress, and it was nice and it was pretty...

But it wasn't home.

I really like THIS blog. I like how it looks. I like how easy it is to use.

So I am officially saying to the enemies in possession of this blog address: take a long walk off a short pier.

I want to blog at my blog again. I love my blog, and I intend to stay here. So PBBBBBBBT! :o(~~~~~~~~

I will now resume blogging. Bwahahaha

So what's new in my life?

I've finished my first year as a college student.... All A's except one B the first semester. I am now staying at home and working on my craft business this summer. I'm scared out of my mind about this!

While I'm home, I am also trying to get pregnant. We've been trying for 3 years now... doctors have tested me and tested him... his low sperm count healed itself after we moved from the old house (aka the "mold cube") into a new apartment. Everything else is good. We're considering medical help.

Trying to get pregnant means I have to stop taking any and all happy pills. I thought that would be easy... but it hasn't been, AT ALL. I really need support, which is the main reason I turned back to blogging. I miss having a community, a tribe, to support and be supported by.

So I'll end this for now, and start bloghopping back to your little worlds to see if you all are still around. :o) I miss you all!!!!!!!

One Week Away

2010-05-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

I am one week away from my first craft fair.

I feel completely unprepared. I planned to try and have a few of each type of item made, so I could get some feedback from people. I have kids purses (quilted and crocheted), crocheted baby bibs, a few crocheted baby hats, a couple of crochted scarves... I have some potholders that might be ready soon (I'm praying so), a crapload of dishclothes... but nothing else. I had planned to sew girls shirts, skirts, and pants... but I haven't even cut out the patterns.

I have no vendor's licenses.

I have no idea how I'm going to display all of this.

I don't have a cash box.

Basically... I'm scared out of my mind.

But.... every new adventure starts out with some fear and terror, right? lol

Save the Drama...

2010-05-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

for your mama.

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "What Rules Do You Wish to Make or Break?"

I wish I could break the rule in my head, the one that binds me and keeps me in situations (specifically jobs) where I take abuse, again and again and again... and believe i have ot take it. Maybe my rule is that good girls have to take it... when the coworker insults me, I take it... I don't have the power... I'm trapped by my finances...

Whatever.

As my job draws to a close (thank you GOD - 7 workdays left!) I am amazed at how much I've taken since starting here. I'm shocked and a little sickened to discover just how much of my heart and soul has been sucked out by this job... how heartless others have been, how insulting and demeaning and just completely sick and twisted...

And sick inside to look in the mirror, and see that I really thought I wasn't even worth the effort of fighting back for. Now I'm watching a coworker take on the role of scapegoat in my place... it just makes me sick inside. I see, in retrospect, how my confidence and love of my job was stripped away, one insult at a time... one snide comment... one humiliation...

I want to break the rule that tells me not to fight back. I want to bite with my sarcastic comments right on time, and yell back when I'm yelled at. I want to stand my ground, plant my feet, and say "this is ALL that I will take from you. BACK OFF."

Crossroads

2010-04-20T19:48:00.001-07:00

I'm at a crossroad in my life... a million different decisions to make... a million different paths to walk on...

And I'm terrified. Loosing my job has opened up several possibilities to me... the chance to go to school, the chance to try and start my own craft business, or the chance to give my soul back to corporate America and loose myself in it's depths of soulless mind-numbing evil. (I have, as you may tell from my phrasing, not chosen the last option.)

The stress of this much change, of this many decisions, of this many things I feel unqualified to decide about... it's completely overwhelming right at this moment. I want to hide, deep deep deep deep deep inside myself... I want to wait for someone else to make a decision for me, or other doors to close, so I don't have to make a choice.

But that's ridiculous... so I'll just figure something out. And until then, I'll cry a lot, and feel extreme anger... and deal. LOL

2010-03-31T11:45:00.000-07:00

Here are some things that make me happy inside:

Create your own MySpace Countdown Counter Today!

Countdown Clocks, Flowers Countdowns at WishAFriend.com

So many choices...

2010-03-16T18:22:00.001-07:00

I had been so excited about "giving corporate America the finger" after I lost my job, and going to school to get my social work degree...

And then I heard about another job possibility. It's similar to what I'm doing now - high workload, job isn't finished when you go home at night... but in a more laid-back atmosphere, with more interaction with human beings... which is WONDERFUL and exciting!

So what do I do? Do I risk it all, hoping to make a living selling crafts in a horrible economy, and hoping everything goes through okay so I can enroll in college? Or do I take the safe route, sell my soul back to corporate America, and pray this new venture is better than the one before?

Can I change to this new job and still take classes? Does it allow flexibile enough hours for me to do so? What are their expectations of me? Will I be able to find a reliable person to help me sell at craft fairs, especially if I have to be at work on Fridays?

Lots of questions... but you know what? No matter where my path leads, I know good things are in store... no matter how much bad there is, there is ALWAYS good to look forward to.

2 Months, 4 Days

2010-03-11T12:05:00.001-08:00

Thats how much time until I'm officially unemployed.

I'm completely terrified (think upset stomach and panic attacks) and completely excited about telling corporate America to "Kiss This!" and starting my own business as I get my social work degree.

I unpacked the crafty things I had made in the past, which was awesome... Forever ago I had tried to make quilted baby bibs, which were really cute but not practical AT ALL. I was inspired this weekend to change them all into little girls purses... I think they will be awesome!

I've also been crocheting little girls flowered purses like this in a variety of colors...

I currently am making the "petals" for more purses in blue, light purple, dark purple, pink with green edges, pink with purple edges, and... more colors I can't remember at the moment.

I'm also excited because it's SPRING!!!! Warmer weather, fresh air.... ahhhhhhhhhh... *happy sigh*

2 Months and a Week

2010-03-08T17:53:00.001-08:00

That's how long I have until I'm officially unemployed. Holy crap... that doesn't seem like much time!!!! I have a lot to do... I want to start selling my crafts as soon as my job ends! I'm crocheting and sewing up a storm here, and panicking that maybe I won't get enough done or be ready. PLUS I plan to start classes toward my social work degree at the same time... busy busy busy!!!!

So, I decided to take my goals here, and make them into a tidy to-do list of things I want to get done in the next two weeks. I'll mark them off as they are done, and life will be great.

Business:

Unpack and organize all craft things
Wash the already-made items
Price and pack the already-made items
Find list of events coming up
Post wanted items on Freecycle
Check Freecycle for responses - Mon, Wed, Friday, Sunday, Tues, Thurs, Sat
Look into selling at Latta's Vintage Market and other locations locally
Make price tags
Look into business cards (Moo cards?)
Organize crochet patterns into a binder
Make quilted bibs into cute purses
Finish making baby stacking toy
Make 5 beehive potholder
Finish sewing my shirt

Financial:

Make a budget
Do taxes (Find W-2s, Read Pub 527, Print forms, Do federal taxes, Do state taxes)
Contact Work One
Sign up for workshops offered to "displaced" workers at my job

Educational:

Apply as an actual student
Pay money owed to college #1
Request my husband's transcripts
Request my transcripts

Blah blah blah, these are my goals... this is probably the most boring blog post I've ever written, but putting goals on here gives me motivation lol

A Difference

2010-02-17T18:10:00.000-08:00

Today's question at Wishcasting Wednesday is: "Where do you wish to make a difference." This seems like an awesome question for me today, as I had my meeting for "displaced" employees this afternoon... seeing the other employees who were cut was pretty traumatic, but one very very very good thing happened:

I found out that I CAN take college classes WHILE drawing unemployment. In fact, because I am "displaced," they may even help PAY for my classes!!!

Suddenly I actually have the tools at my fingertips to accomplish my dream - to become a social worker, and make a difference!

CAN one person make a difference? Yes, I wholeheartedly believe they can. One person, being kind to a person from another country, can make a difference toward world peace. One person, being generous to another, can cause a ripple of generosity to spread and make the world a little less selfish. If even one child is given a word of encouragement when life seems like more than they can take, when they feel like it's impossible to overcome the obstacles in their way, or when everyone else is telling them it's not even worth trying... generations of children to come can be affected.

Do I feel strong enough for this? No. I feel completely inadequate. I am terrified of huge caseloads and broken children slipping through cracks. I'm worried that I'll become overwhelmed by the pain of those around me, or frustrated beyond repair by adults who can't see the damage they do to each other and their children. But for this moment, I'm chosing to give it a shot, and to show love and encouragement to as many children as I can for as long as I can take it. Maybe it is just a tiny drop in the gnormous bucket of abuse... but it's one more drop than there would be without me.

Dreams and Dizziness

2010-02-13T07:42:00.000-08:00

It's been an eventful few days. My friend's wedding reception was last night, I've been crocheting like crazy until I have a chance to get to Hobby Lobby and buy some boxes to paint or collage and sell, and today is the day my dad died. No plans to do anything today... no car to take to the cemetery or to use an go do a good deed in his name. I feel really numb inside anyway... I'll probably cry later. In the meantime I'll wait for the beloved to come home, and then take him out on a date. *giggle* In other news...

Last night I had a nightmare, for the first time in a long time. (Mainly because I rarely dream.) I went into this old house, one I had been to before, with a group of people. My friend Karima, some girls from church, and others I didn't recognize were there. We went into the house, and I was worried... I remembered being there before, and bad things happening, but nothing specific. When we opened the door, there was another set of doors inside, and between was an older lady wearing a red outfit - I had seen her before, and knew something horrible was happening. The others from the group opened the second door from the right, and I screamed for them to stop! I grabbed Karima and kept her from going, and I screamed as the door shut behind the others, and then there was only silence.

I found myself back at the house again, later, alone this time. I went through the first door to the right, and explored. I found people around me, a soldier, a nerd... there was a "church" where people were sitting, worshipping... a store where they sold New Age stuff and some very cute candles... and dolls without heads. I looked everywhere, and then made my way out... Only to find that the people were at the doors, and wouldn't let me out. Suddenly I was a child, and ran beneath their arms to escape out the door. I ran, and ran... I ran into the woods, and to a house... I grabbed a can of biscuit dough and threw little pieces behind me now and then, and they expanded to slow down the woman behind me. Eventually, I somehow led her to the house of a FBI agent, and woke up safely.

Wierd.

In other news, I had another dizzy spell... the first one I've had in a long while. I had them frequently for a while, but the doctor didn't know what caused them. They stopped a while, started again in September or October, and then started again this week. I had an ear infection, so that might be why... but it was very wierd. I wasn't as dizzy as normal, but I was very weak and VERY shakey... and completely terrified. I cried, and cried, and cried... it was horrible. Finally I ate a Hostess cherry pie, and felt some better (could it be blood sugar?), but was drained all day. Finally feeling better today, just icky because I still have a sinus & ear infection.

Anyway, these are the life and times of the short cute one... what's new in your life?

Dishclothing My Way

2010-02-08T17:13:00.000-08:00

So, my last day of work is officially May 15th now. I have my letter from the university, materials about what happens next, and.... a plan.

I've decided that corporate America seriously bites and has drained large amounts of my soul. If there is ANY possible way to avoid another job working for The Man, I'm gonna give it a shot.

What does that mean for the future? Well, several ideas have come to mind, most of which are not yet ready to be aired on this blog. One, however, is ready for sharing:

I want to try and really make a business out of my art and crochet.

As phase 1 of this plan, I plan to try and stockpile items so that I can begin selling at local craft fairs. As I stockpile them, I'll put some in a local vintage market to see what sells there as well. I'll see what people like and don't like, and change what I make accordingly.

Right now, I'm focusing on dishclothes. I've been focusing on them for a while, and have made a ton of dishclothes. I've made them in many colors, many textures, using many patterns... I've made plain squares, attempted a circle, and created flower and butterfly shaped dishclothes. I've given a lot away though, which means that after all of this crocheting, I have a stockpile of only 17 dishclothes. My goal is to have a stock of at least 50 before I move onto making new items.

I really want to make a progress bar on my blog for this... does anyone know where I can find one? I've searched all over creation... no luck.

Okay, I'm going to go watch a stargate episode and make some dishcloths now. Have a lovely day everyone, and thanks for reading! :)

Just so ya know...

2010-01-26T19:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life hits you so far below the belt, you wonder if you can stand.

I haven't been writing on this blog... my blog appears to be no longer my sacred safe spot... I shared the link to my blog with a friend when she was going through a low time, not knowing until later that others, who appear to not be my friends, had access to the e-mail I sent.

But you know what? I don't really care. My life 95% an open book, and that 5% isn't posted here LOL (This IS a PG rated blog, and I AM a married woman! HA!)

I was going to write more, but I just don't have the emotional energy to lay it all out on the table today. I just wanna kick a small animal, and then go to sleep. Some days, that's all ya can do, ya know?

Where Do I Go From Here?

2010-01-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

Today I got big news - the university I work at has been talking about layoffs for some time. Originally they were going to announce the layoffs over Spring break. (March ish.) Then they were going to announce the layoffs in Feb. Today my boss took me out for lunch... and told me the university had decided to eliminate my position. It wasn't personal, they didn't look at the people in the positions, they just looked at which one seemed least essential and cut it.

I have until June 30.

I should probably be upset... but I'm not. I almost broke when a coworker looked like he wanted to cry when he told me how sorry he was... I teared up when I found out my boss had went to my friend and coworker while I was in class, to tell her I would be needing a friend today... and when I found out my supervisor had told the same friend how proud she should be of me, for handling it in a professional manner, no tears or emotions - business as usual the rest of the day.

I've had a lot of drama at this job - good drama, bad drama, in-between drama... I've loved this job, hated this job, and everything in between...

But I'm TOTALLY ready for something new. I'm not sure what direction my life will take - where I will work, what I will do. Due to beaurocratic red tape, I may not be able to take classes this semester. I can't say where the next chapter in my journey will take me... will I use the unemployment period to look for a great job, really focus on getting an art business started? Will God maybe open a door for my husband and I to travel abroad as English teachers? (How fun would that be?!) Could I start a business tutoring people in English? Will I maybe end up pregnant, and need the time to take care of myself during my pregnancy? Who knows! The possibilities... are limitless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next step - talk to HR, find out more about my situation. Find details about the severance packages, etc. Keep an eye out for "the perfect job". Make my resume - really focus on updating my office skills - and make LOTS of art. I haven't unpacked my Mod-Podge. I have crocheted some, but I have not really put my heart into any artwork. I have a box I absolutely ADORE, and should make like 6 more similar to. Why haven't I done that already?? I have learned to do some basic needlework, and can really have fun making, renovating, and embellishing kids clothes.

Really, truly, the possibilities ARE limitless.

Today

2009-11-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

Today I'm hurting
trying to find faith
to learn from this
to believe I'm not being punished

Today I'm tired
will this journey ever end?

Today I'm overwhelmed
So much to do
So little time to do it
There's only so much of me to go around

Today I'm searching for faith
for hope
for strength to belive that you're with me
That you won't leave me
That you're with me and not against me
That it will be okay

Back to Blogging

2009-10-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

So, my life has completely gone down the toilet. We're still not done in the house. We still can't live in the house. James is living with Pam and Tim to be close to his job. I'm living with Karima to be close to my job.

No, our marriage is not over, we are not seperating except physically while we try to salvage our financial life, get heat turned on in our house, and destroy the evil substance known as mold from our casa. I won't go into the crap I'm taking for this, the humiliation in front of the students at my job (thanks mother-in-law, that was kind. But in happy news, all of my friends hate you, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.), and in front of my coworkers because of hateful gossips. (And if you want to give me advice concerning my marriage, right now is not the time, unless you can avoid thrown objects VERY well, because my aim completely rocks.)

I've learned a lot from it... like the fact that when I went off of my anti-anxiety medicine and thought my life was so much better... I was really just making my life into a bubble. I cut everyone but my husband out... barely saw friends, avoided family, and made my home into my refuge filled with peace and art and love. Now I can't hide... my refuge is gone... and I'm falling apart. Debating medication again, but trying to see if I can make it on my own, learn from this experience, maybe grow through it.

Completely filled with anger right now... anger at life, at people, at everything. Depressed... but making it. Still working on my house, still living my life, just not really myself at the moment. Dealing with social anxiety, crap at work, feeling like a failure to God, my husband, my friends... completely imperfect and not at all okay with it.

But whatever. Life is wierd, and crazy, and people suck... but some people don't suck. I've lost my peace and security, but I've gained a friend who is now my sister... which is fun and interesting. The Princess will be introduced to you all in a later post.

For now I need to mud a wall so James can sand it tomorrow, and then I can paint when I get home. Wooo hooo! Each drop of paint, each glob of mud neatly smeared, brings us one step closer to moving back into my home. Until that day comes... I'm gonna jump into this wierdly imperfect new life I've found... make new friends, enjoy my new social life, and just generally rock the world with my awesome cuteness.

Or possibly just take a nap.

Life Updates in Pictures

2009-06-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

So how are things in my life? I thought I'd give you a little tour in pictures:
We're still preparing to re-roof the house next month... one of our helpers has bailed, we have to make sure the other one can be there or we may have to try and find a way to budget a professional to come do it. For now it's patched up, and we're ripping out moldy ceilings and such (well, sort of... long story, which will require way more pics.) to try and keep any biohazards out. Anyway, note the light gray patching which I did, and later covered with black roofing patch... much less water is leaking into the bedrooms now!

Sarah-doggie, pictured here looking perplexed at a doggie treat, is loving being an indoor doggie but shedding like CRAZY!!! What hte heck?????

M, the unofficially-adopted daughter, had her 18th birthday in May! Here we are celebrating at Red Lobster. Behind us, you might notice, is the huge aquarium with the large crabs. We ate some of their cousins during our meal... I was not too impressed, but James and M liked them! I enjoyed the shrimp, and shockingly... I enjoyed the stuffed mushrooms, which DID contain both lobster and crab meats.

Here are greens and brocolli growin in my garden, along with weeds and the impossible-to-remove poppies.

My husband has decided to grow a goatee. HOT, is he not? it's getting longer and fuller these days too.

Yes, I did build a trellis completely out of bits of leftover yarn and discarded yarned creations. I planted two very-cool types of beans that climb this year... I forget what kind these are, but the others are called asparagus beans and the instructions tell you to pick the beans, for best flavor, when they are eighteen INCHES or smaller. I kid you not... the things should be huge! How fun is that?!

As always, poison ivy is attempting to steal my soul. Here it is growing in my garden/poppy patch.
Sarah-doggie, looking cute like always.

And last but not least... a pic and poem.

bowed

imperfect

Beautiful

Powerless

2009-06-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life throws you for a loop, watches you hit the ground with a loud *splat*, and laughs as you writhe in pain.

My work life is a little like that right now.

I'm trying to take a step back from my emotions lately, and ask "what can I learn from what I'm feeling?" It's been deeply therapeutic... but... on this, I have no idea where to go. In the course of one day, I went from doing one person's job to two persons' jobs, while also being told I would also be running errands for a staff member with an axe to grind.

If I say I can't get everything done, I'm whining.
If I keep quiet and can't get everything done, I'm incompitent.
If I point out that the staff member who asked for my "assistance" just wanted to punish me because she didn't get a promotion because my friend did, I'm bitter and angry.

I feel completely powerless.

In general, I love my job. I love being where I can have at least some minimal interaction with students from around the world. I love working in an office that supports all kinds of activities for student groups. I love the people I work with (with one exception), and am really and truly shocked that this was allowed to happen in front of the entire office staff. I have no intention of quitting my job, so I'm setting some limits for myself:

No working late without pay.
No working through lunch without pay.
No worrying about work when I leave the job - I can't meet expectations that are completely ludicrus.

I WILL do my best work each day... but I do not have the time nor the motivation to sell my soul to a job. I have a career I'm working toward and classes I'm taking. I have a husband and a household to keep up with. I have body that we're working to help be healthy so that a child can grow inside it. I will NOT give myself gray hairs, ulcers, or other health problems just to try and meet impossible expectations. I will not fill my body with toxic chemicals (caffine) in order to accomplish more tasks in less time, nor will I fill my soul with toxic emotions that affect my physical and emotional health.

And I'll take an honest look at my job - what I'm doing and how I'm doing it - to see what I can improve. Are there things I can do to make my work more efficient? Am I wasting time on tasks that are low priority instead of focusing on the priority tasks? Am I wasting time because things are not organized in my office realm? What can I change in my work life to accomplish more in the limited time I'm given each day?

In the end, I alone have the true power over my job.

Updates on Jana's Life

2009-06-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

WOW! Life is busy but way fun!!!!

In news here:

I have completed several things from my 101 things in 1001 days project:
#3 Volunteer at WILL center or Special Olympics - Completed this today by volunteering at the Special Olympics. I worked at the volunteer sign-in tent, so didn't have much contact with the athletes or families, but it was really a great experience either way. Next year I'd like to interact more with the athletes.
#4 Volunteer at the ICU where my dad died, or at a CODA shelter - I tried to volunteer at the CODA shelter, but got no response when I e-mailed them about it. Felt deeply annoyed, so I volunteered elsewhere.
#15. Make a Craft with Aunt Martha - Changed from "Finish Wedding Scrapbook with Aunt Martha" after wedding scrapbook was destroyed. I haven't completed this yet, but will later this month. (I think)

We're preparing to reroof our house at the beginning of July, since parts of our ceiling have now collapsed. Scrubbing everything down with bleach to kill mold, scouting yard scales and begging on Freecycle for tools, and reading book after book about roof repair and replacement.... this is our married life at the moment. I can't wait to have this all FIXED!!!

I'm learning more and more Arabic, which makes me feel happy inside.

We're doing a lot of yard work, so our yard is looking MUCH better. I'll post pics some other time.

I've discovered that my social anxiety has gotten worse. Now not only does the thought of speaking a foreign language to someone I know make me ill, but the thought of making a new friend makes me want to projectile vomit with fear. (Okay, that was a little bit overdramatic, but seriously... I was sick to my stomach and in tears Friday after trying to make a friend.) Why is it that I can learn strange foreign languages, program databases, organize anything that I see, and make an A in honors English... but basic social interactions make me physically ill? I discussed this with my friend Pam, and we delved deeply into my childhood experiences with rejection, and how vulnerable friendships make me feel now. I'm not really sure where to go or what to do with this issue, but it will probably be discussed (or re-hashed) on my blog at later dates. If I had time, I would REALLY like to do some intuitive collage regarding this... maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Now it's time for bed... I'll try to post on here more often and be a better blog-reader, but no promises. Econ 100 will be starting this Monday and I'll have 4 quizzes and one final exam each week... I'll be a bit busy. LOL

Instead of Typing...

2009-04-26T18:29:00.001-07:00

I'm going to blog. I need a break from paper-writing for a few.

So, what's new in all of your lives? For me...

IT'S GARDEN TIME! Inspired by a post at Robyn's blog, I will tell you a little about my garden adventures. Unfortunately, since it is dark, this post will not have visual aids. *sniffle* I'm sure my camera would take some interesting pics with the flash, but it would just not be the same.

So, what have i planted so far? Welll.... of the things that I've planted, the following have emerged from the ground:

Broccoli, Brussel sprouts, collard greens, mustard greens, lettuce, 3 types of onions, and chives.

The following are also planted:

Leeks, snap peas, spinach mustard geens, cauliflawr (you know, I just typed that word like 5 different ways and none look right... whatever. It can just stay wrong.), another type of lettuce, dill, cilantro, parsley, lemon basil, and savory.

OH! And for the first time EVER, I have sweet peas growing in the yard! I have successfully killed them the past 2 or three summers... but this year, they are STILL ALIVE! Wooooooo!!!!

Also, since it is garden time, do you all remember what this means?

POISON IVY.

We've brought the doggie inside, and of course any time I let her out to play, she gets into the ivy. We're working as fast as possible to get all of the ivy out of our yard, but it is not going so well. I HAVE cleared off a must bigger portion of the ground than last year, and at a much earlier part of the year. In fact, part of it is cleared enough that once hubby puts the debris in a bag (he's not allergic... douchebag.), I may even plant some carrots there. I've not only cleared the ground, I've even used the hoe to dig the ground up and get the roots out. In all honesty though, I started clearing this patch of ground last year, so it should definately be more clear lol.

In other news, my pastor has challenged us to not think or speak negative things... we are even supposed to keep a container in our house, to put a quarter in each time we say something negative.

I just put a quarter in for calling my husband a douchebag earlier in this post...

It was WELL worth it. :o)

Almost There!!!!!!

2009-04-10T19:52:00.001-07:00

I'm now about 3/4 of the way through my first semester as a college student!! *happy clap* I have classes until the end of April, and finals the first week of May... two major papers due in the meantime, plus some other assignments and tests, and 13.75 hours of volunteer work. (Sound exhausting? LOL it is.)

I'm doing one paper on Childhood Emotional Abuse (for my Social Work class) and one on Gay/Lesbian foster parents (for my English class, but the sources will be re-used for my next Social Work class, where I have to do another "population paper" talking about a particular group of people). What am I learning?

Re: Childhood Emotional Abuse - OMW! No one can even DEFINE what "emotional abuse" is, let alone give any worthwhile statistics about the subject! I found it VERY frustrating. ARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!

Re: Gay/Lesbian foster parents - Absolutely nothing, because I haven't read any of the journal articles I printed off yet! LOL There IS a lot more information online than I expected though, so that will be nice. I have six or seven articles to choose from, and I'm not even done searching! Remember how this winter I tried to find studies about how the children of gay/lesbian parents were affected, and came up with a whole bunch of nothin?? I'm hoping these will shed some light on the subject. :o)

*~*~*~*~*~*

My volunteer work is going really well, I plan to keep volunteering when my class is done if at all possible. As a result of my volunteer time, I'm working (again) to learn ASL, and my basketball skills are definately improving! James went with me last week, and ended up playing basketball with the kiddos for the ENTIRE 3 hours that we were there (as a player most of the time, and as a ref some of the time). He was beyond exhausted when we got home LOL

*~*~*~*~*~*

I was going to give a lot more news here, but honestly I have a migrane and just want to head to bed... so I think that's what I'll do. I've been having migranes for the past week pretty heavily... can't wait for that to end.

Ugg.

2009-04-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

Is it better to have a job that you know you can do and do well, so that every day you leave feeling like you are the queen of the world, or a job where you are so deeply challenged that you leave every day thinking "Holy crap, I completely and totally SUCK!"?

Work, quite honestly, is sucking right now. It feels like centuries since I've received a compliment of any kind, the supervisory personnel are on this new "shorten the time it takes" kick, at the same time they are adding new responsibilities, and every day this week I've left my job with my head down, wondering why I can't make this job work. I've been in trouble this week for items not being done fast enough, for looking angry in a meeting, and for sounding too emotional in e-mails. (Which, now that I think about it, may be a miscommunication - a comment or two sent to the supervisor, which she thought was sent to others. Must explain that later.)

I'm just feeling really low today... worrying that I won't have a job to go back to, that I'm just not up to the standards of this department.

Enough wallowing... time to form a plan. What can I do about the people I work with who are causing these problems? Nothing. What can I do about feeling like I completely suck and have no worth? A LOT.

Since I feel like every area of my life is in chaos at the moment, I'll begin by setting some small goals for myself in my outside-of-work life, and accomplishing them. Cleaning up certain areas of my office, for example. I will give myself a facial tomorrow, and dress extra-nicely next week - not for the office's benefit, but for my own... so that I can hold my head up high. I'll work this weekend to get ahead on my homework, so that I can stop worrying about that. I'll make a new budget for us for the month of April, so that our finances are in order.

And I'll pray... that I myself will have a right attitude, and do my absolute best job each day - and if others are being unfair, or treating me in a way that they shouldn't, that their actions would be revealed for what they are.

While I pray, I'll remember that I'm not at this job to make friends or be popular. I'm at this job for two reasons: to get my education at 85% off, and to pay my bills. I can take a LOT of crap to get my education and pay my bills.

Time to make my little to-do list and accomplish some things! AFTER my inner child and I color a picture.

Don't Panic!

2009-03-21T20:17:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am still alive.

*I'm working hard on my classes, and I have A's in both of them.

*Working in the backyard, (aka the land of poison ivy), without thinking about covering up my skin... *sigh* I was planning to only work in the front, but I had to take the leaves and such to the compost area in the back yard... and found myself working on the weeds back there. This will probably be something I'm regretting in just a few days.

*Falling and making owwies... fell down a flight of stairs this week while doing the volunteer work required for my intro to social work class. Made a large bruise on my arm, skinned and bruised my elbow, bruised my tailbone, and jarred my back. All in front of one of the kids there... *still embarassed*

*Feeling annoyed that a former coworker is causing a lot of problems for my office, and I have to be involved in the drama. Save the drama for your mama!!!!!!! I don't want it.

*Planting lots and lots and lots of veggies in my gardens. So far I've planted lettuce, cabbage, brussel sprouts, broccoli, argula, and green onions. Tomorrow's list includes another type of lettuce, cauliflaur, and some other kinds of greens. I really want to grow some bok choi, gotta see if the seed store has that. Bok choi is cool.

*Staring at the wall above my computer, and realizing a Christmas decoration is hanging up there. How on earth have i not noticed this before? It's MARCH!!!!

*Worrying that I have lice. That is the very bad part about working with kids... kids = lice. *sigh* I need to find someone who knows how to look for lice. I wonder if my hubby knows?

*Working on our taxes. All done except I have to put our property taxes in. Then on to Mommy's taxes.

*Speaking of family, did you all know that Cousin Amy had a baby?? Somehow I missed the family memo, (probably by not checking my e-mail) but I hear that she is doing well (after a poop-in-utero scare) and everyone is happy and healthy I believe.

*Speaking of babies, my newest neice is absolutely ADORABLE!!!!! I just love her so much, with her cute wittle eyes and her cute wittle hands... and I think she loves her Aunt Jana too. :o)

*Also speaking of babies, we still haven't gotten one. I'm handling that okay right now.

*I'm still hungry, even though I've been snacking all night. Perhaps God decided instead of a baby, I should have a tapeworm? If so, I may not be speaking to him for a while. *frowny eyebrows* (Just kidding God... but please don't give me a tapeworm.)

*My pastor's wife is working with me as an intern in my office. I am finding this both extremely wierd and kinda fun. We seem to be... bonding.

*We have fallen in love with the new Jalapeno Popper Doritos. YUM.

*I miss art. My inner child has crayons but we can't find a coloring book that she likes. I think I'm going to have to check Walmart tomorrow, because she has been sniffling sadly far too much lately.

*I'm really angry at my social work professor. I worked very hard on a paper for that class, using the sentence structures we had been working on in English class... I made a phenominally awesome sentence, using a structure from my English book, and was all excited and proud... until I got my paper back. She had counted my sentence wrong! I am so upset. I plan to take my English book with me to meet with her, and ask if she'll give me my point back if I promise to never use creative sentences in my papers again. Or maybe I should just take the point deduction, and display it with pride as a sign of my non-conforming ways... *sigh*... but my sentence was right, and I WANT MY POINT BACK! Stupid program, preparing us to write dull journal articles with no personality... Grrrrrrrrrrr...

So, this is just a glimpse of what's going on in my life. Now tell me... what's new with you??

Explaination

2009-02-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

So, you're probably wondering, after reading my last post, how I became so cold-hearted and angry.

It was not, surprisingly, the fact that I've carried the full weight of the friendship with Friend X for years, taking her everywhere since she doesn't have a vehicle (never asking for gas money), paying for her food because I truly believed she was trapped in her situation (which she is, but only because she deliberately traps herself.), even taking it when she barely helped with my wedding at all after promising to. I was even going to still be her friend after the Christmas Screw-Over.

The straw that broke the camels back though, was her complete and lack of compassion with the fact that we're having trouble conceiving. Now, once again, I have minimal expectations... I did not expect hugs or support, deep words or advice, or even a willingless to listen to me talk about it. A simple "I'm sorry" or even a sad silence would have been enough for me. I realize that I am WAY too emotional about this issue, and that my lack of conception is bothering me WAY more than it probably should. I don't expect others to understand that.

Instead, I got "Don't worry, it'll happen", stories about how everyone else in her life is having cute little babies, and how poor and abused she is because she can't have another child because she isn't having sex... despite the fact that she HAS one child already, and severely neglects his emotional, social and educational needs.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to tell her how the choices she is making, and her self-absorbed behavior, are hurting her friends and her child. Everyone else has consistently avoided her because her behaviors are more than they can take, and I've stayed in her life through it because I DO see her growing and changing... but these three areas (trapping herself in poverty and expecting people to pick up her tab, neglecting her childs needs because she's consumed by her own, and being an emotional zero to her friends) are ones that I know she doesn't see or thinks she is powerless to control, and therefore isn't working on.

How much, legitimately, am I expected to take and stay silent?

Stepping Out

2009-02-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today as I chatted with Alison, trying to figure out what to do about a friend (we'll call her "Friend X") who is completely and utterly screwing up her own life and the life of her child, I came to a realization:

Before I confront Friend X about her malfunction... I really need to get my own crap together!

I'm complaining because my friend is trapping herself in her bad situation, and not helping herself find a way out... but am I doing the same thing? Time to take inventory of some areas of my life, and the next steps to improve.

FINANCIAL:

This has by far always been the weakest area of my life. I won't go into how bad it's been, but lets just say some dramatic action is needed in order to pay back some medical and educational bills of the past.

My next step: Get a calendar to put next to my computer. Whenever a bill comes into my house, write this bill on the calendar. This will help me get organized, and avoid late fees. After this, make an income and expenses comparison, and see what can be cut or lessened from the expenses side. After this, make a specific plan for what bills will be paid off in what order.

EDUCATIONAL:

I'm really doing pretty well in this area, but have been frustrated by my lack of organization.

My next step: I think I need to make a to-do list at the end of each class day, (I only have classes Tues and Thurs), saying what assignments need to be done before the next week and the deadline. I'll put this next to my computer, and mark off assignments as they are finished.

PHYSICAL:

This is improving, or was. I really enjoyed our time as vegetarians, but we've went back to the old ways of eating far more than we should have.

My next step: Keep buying and using vegetables in every meal I cook. Try to use minimal meat.

SPIRITUAL:

This is still rocky, but improving.

My next step: Find a good time to pray, and pray daily.

SOCIAL:

My house is staying mostly clean, which makes it MUCH easier to have people over now... but I still generally stay home, alone. I honestly don't know what goals I want to have in this area. I have been making more friends, I have been working at creating and maintaining healthy friendships, and have been cutting off "dead weight" friendships that are not healthy for me.

My next step: Write a letter to Friend X, explaining why I am avoiding her. Be gentle, but very very blunt.

Another goal that I'm considering, which is not really related to this list, is to blog more about some of the topics I'm learning about in my Social Work class. We're just finishing a chapter discussing poverty that I found quite offensive, and would love to chat about it... perhaps by blogging sometimes about these types of issues, I'll remember to keep my blog updated!

Again

2009-02-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Did you know my last post was post number 666? Yep... my blog post was the root of all evil. Who knew?! lol

I took another pregnancy test today... got another negative... just another day in the life, right? No, this time it is REALLY bothering me. Despite the fact that I've taken so many tests in the past, and they've all been negative... there's just a small part of me that hopes, every month, that it will happen.

This time I think that inner optimist is throwing things and crying. She and I are going to curl up under a blankie in the bedroom, and watch the first two Lord of the Rings movies. We also may picture ourselves committing voilent acts, just for fun. OH! Maybe she likes crayons... we can draw the scenes.

*taking new box of 120 crayons with her to the bedroom*

Why?

2009-02-07T00:06:00.000-08:00

Why have I woken up every morning at 3AM this week? Why does my bladder suddenly decide, at that time EVERY morning, that it is explosively full and I must awaken?

*sigh*

I'm going back to bed now.

Where I'm At

2009-01-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

Just a little update on my life:

I turned in my first paper as a college student today! I have another one due tomorrow, which I'm currently revising.

I'm not pregnant. After sobbing pathetically Friday morning and Monday afternoon at work (can we say "humiliating"?) about things that happen to me every single day, we thought it might be a good time to check, but nope... no baby. I'm trying to take my temp every day, but can I just rant to you for a moment? The thermometer instructions say to check your temp every morning, first thing, WHEN YOU ARE HALF ASLEEP. If I am half-asleep, how am I supposed to remember to take my temp?!! *sigh* So far, this hasn't gone well. I've taken to putting my thermometer on top of my cell phone (which I use as an alarm clock) every night, so I see it when I reach to hit the snooze button.

I've failed as a vegetarian. I ate a single meatball, because I forgot I was a vegetarian. The meatball really wasn't that exciting either. How sad.

I've learned to make "Cheater's Spanakopita", using biscuit dough from a tube. You just mix together one (small) container of cottage cheese, two eggs, and some spinach (2 bunches is what it called for, but I didn't use that much). Set that aside for a moment as you take each biscuit and roll it out as then as you'd like. Lay 1/2 of the now-rolled-out-biscuits onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Spread the filling out evenly on the four biscuits on the cookie sheet, and top with the other 1/2 of the biscuits. Smoosh the edges together to make 4 spanikopita pockets. Bake 35 minutes at 400 degrees. Yum.

My husband is gone, working on his mom's car... I have no idea when or if he will be home tonight, and I really need him. Does no one think about the fact that I just had another negative prego test, and might need some support? (I know, I know, how can they know if I don't ask? But how can I ask if I don't have my phone? You see my dilemma.)

Which reminds me... my sister-in-laws surprise birthday party is now being planned for the day my father died 2 years ago. Maybe I should be stronger, or over it... but I just don't think so. I asked Aunt Martha about it, hoping maybe we could do it the week before, but was told just to come and be with friends and family, that they would understand... but who wants someone all weepy at their birthday party? But at the same time, I'd rather die than hurt that sis-in-law, so... I'm stuck. I want to be there, because I love her to death... but I don't want to be there, because I plan to spend that day honoring my dad's memory and will most likely be emotionally and physically exhausted. If it gets too bad and I just can't stop by the party, maybe I could get her a really nice card explaining how much I love her and why I wasn't able to be there. Her mom died not long after my dad, so she would understand.

I haven't shown you all any pics of my baby niece, have I? I'll have to start another post later tonight with all the baby pics in it. She is so cute!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely love her.

For right now, I'm starved... I'm going to go cook a baked potato and maybe make some cauliflower with cream sauce... (adding cheese to the sauce, of course. Mmmmm....)

Surviving

2009-01-20T19:45:00.001-08:00

Today's English class assingment: spend 4 sessions, 20 minutes each, describing a seashell. I looked at it today, and noticed two main things... very smooth edges, and many many holes in the surface. My sentence to describe it? "The smooth edges of this shell, worn down with time as the shell was unmercifully battered against cruel and unyielding rocks, hide the deep resilience that survives against all odds; growing and evolving through circumstances that shatter so many others."

Oh, and a funny (like, wierd funny) thing? As I typed this, guess what song came on the computer: "I'm A Surivor" by Reba McEntire My favorite lyrics from the song?

"My roots are planted in the past
And though my life is changing fast
Who I am is who I wanna be "

I have more things to share, but I need to finish my session with the shell (we're bonding deeply.), pray, and get some sleep. Nite to all.

Working through working through

2009-01-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm working through the process of working through my emotional issues as I work through my social work homework lol

Since it's rather obvious that I have crap boiling to the surface of my life, and need to get it out in the open where I can deal with it, I'm going to just keep this open and post my random thoughts as I finish reading my article.

"Subsequently, they often deny their own needs because of love and compassion for their parents and a fear of losing them." - It's creepy that I didn't do that so much with my dad, but I DO find myself doing this over and over again for so-called-friends, and for that same reason... I'm afraid they'll leave. "This poses a risk that over-responsibility and co-dependence may occur when the focus is on the needs of others." Hello! That is SO me. How is my picture not right there in the article? LOL

"Learning to step back from triggers of their childhood" - Yeah, I am so going to need to do this. Studying these things, along with the 30 hours of volunteer work required for this class, will be good practice for me.

"They are susceptible to anxiety when stressed and often present with somatic symptoms. They have a high potential for burnout... " - This explains SO MUCH. Reading this article really is making me feel more normal. I've found myself getting burnt out often from kids ministry, and just assumed I was a terrible person. I worry, often, about my ability to survive social work... will I get burnt out?

Well, today's reading was obviously not as fraught with drama and emotion as yesterdays... but now the article has officially been read, and all that's left is the paper to write! Wooo hooo!!!!

Discomfort

2009-01-17T19:10:00.000-08:00

I did not realize, until I started reading articles for my first class in my major, how much of my past I was going to need to confront in the next four years. I mean, Social Work is a major where you hear about a lot of abuses of various forms, but I didn't realize how close to home this would hit. I've sat reading an article today about social workers who grew up in alcoholic families, and the effects their upbringing had on their professional life... but first, the article had to explain how abuse in general affects children... the guilt, the shame... the bizarre loyalty to the abuser... It was like the past came right back.

With the anniversary of my dad's death less than a month away, I'm feeling so many emotions... so many of the things I'm reading are bringing me back to the little girl living with Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde... to the fear and the hurts, the disappointments, the longing for a safe place to belong and be happy and free... the little girl who went to school every day, loving her teachers and the thing she learned, but being hated by the other children.

On facebook earlier this week, a girl from my school days contacted me... just asking how I was and catching up. I remember trying SO HARD to make friends with her when she moved to our school in second grade. She was my friend for a WHOLE DAY, and I was so excited... but by the second day, she had found new friends, and didn't want to even stand by me in line anymore. Now she's married with kiddos, and just added me as a friend and commented on my Wall... we're having fun getting re-acquainted.

The past will just NOT stay away right now! LOL What the heck?!

I'm really fighting lonliness right now, and some depression...

And this post is really unfocused, and whiney... and this is basically how I'm feeling at the moment lol

My mind is really muddled today, for whatever reason. I'm going to use that as my excuse for this post not being deeply impacting or even making much sense. I'm tired, both physically and emotionally... So many things going on, my coping skills feel maxed. But tomorrow is a new day, and who knows what it'll bring. Perhaps it will bring... chocolate? LOL

Stretching

2009-01-13T18:08:00.000-08:00

This is a big month here in Jana-Land... so much change and growth going on!! My poor stomach is in knots, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

I started my classes today, and they are as different as night and day! The first one is an honors course... minimal rules in the 2-page syllabus, attendance is optional since we are adults responsible for our own fates, blah blah blah... (I LOVE this class and think this professor is gonna be amazing! Hard as heck, perhaps, but worth it!) Everyone in that class is white except one international student, about half are the preppy-with-money types, and I was the only older student... Class #2 is for my major, and had a 28 page syllabus. Attendance is mandatory, each assignment must be turned in or you fail the class, blah blah blah... each rule was explained IN DEPTH from the sylabus, and she talked to us like we had terminal stupidity. 80% of this class is black, almost all of us are poorer, and there were 4 older students in the class. It was... painful. I really despise being talked down to and expected to suck and cause trouble. Oh well, I really feel like I'll learn a lot from this class, so it's worth it.

I'm trying to make healthy friendships... and it is not going well. I'm so desperate for friends, I find myself cracking at the first sign that they might not like me, and falling back into the whole codependant please-need-me-so-I-know-you-won't-leave pattern. Most recently, my hubby and I took a foreign student to our family holidays over the break (wierdly enough she was only a few years younger than me), because she wasn't able to go home. She came to Christmas, New Years, and to see my sis-in-laws baby... and then after seeing my sis-in-law with me, began kinda brushing me off... not wanting to go to things, not texting back, etc... Needless to say, I feel very hurt. I probably shouldn't yet... I mean, maybe she's just busy or whatever. But friendships make you vulnerable, and this is scary terrain for me.

I'm still not hanging out with the friend who screwed me over at Christmas. We talked about the holiday screw-over, (the lie part actually, which she explained she didn't mean the way it came out in text, and she wasn't lying... she really did think there was a storm, and just was going to use it for her own gain. I believe her, but she still sucks for taking advantage of my ability to drive, and using it as a way to avoid becoming independant.) but I'm just not really up to being screwed over again yet. I'll give it a month or so... maybe take her kiddo out on a Jana & kid dinner date or something so the kid doesn't feel abandoned. Not really caring if the "friend" feels abandoned. *shrug* That's better than me going around her, and then cracking in anger because I'm not calmed down at her yet lol

The vegetarian thing is going well! Tonight - Thursday will be James's days to cook, which is a nice break for me. Tonight he made chili w/o meat, and it was EXCELLENT! Maybe he'll give us his recipe on here? I'm feeling full but without such a heavy feeling in my stomach each time I eat. It's very different!

Last night... *dramatic pause*... I excercised! I did a salsa dance, and it felt really good!

I'm getting the mic & sound on my computer fixed (the mic has been broke for like... since I got the computer.), so I'll be able to study languages again online!! Very excited about that.

And spiritually... God and I are chatting more, and I'm very happy about that.

So lots of growth going on here... lots of change... scary as hell I gotta tell you. My nerves are on edge, and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster sometimes... with the excitement, nervousness, and fear of all the change and growth... but it'll be worth it all in the end, right?

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 2

2009-01-12T16:24:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of Meatless Meals are here:

Today's menu:

Pasta Primavera: James - 7.5 Janet - 7
Lemon Cilantro Corn: James - 9 Janet - 9.8

Lemon Cilantro Corn:
Cook one bag of corn as directed on package. When corn is done, add butter, lemon, and chopped cilantro to taste. It is YUMMY!!!!!

It's so good, i'm even loving the taste of it when I burp.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In other news....

Tomorrow I start college classes to become a social worker!!!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Day 1

2009-01-11T18:34:00.000-08:00

Why am I going vegetarian for the rest of the month?

My church is going on what is called a "Daniel fast." We (hubby and I) are using it not only as a way to sacrifice as we seek more of God, but also as a way to learn to eat a healthier way. Our church generally says that a Daniel fast means avoiding "meats and sweet treats", but I forgot the sweets part and baked cookies. Sooooooo... we're only abstaining from meats.

How is it going so far?

AWESOME! Tonight's menu, with each dish rated on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest:

Eggplant Parmesan - 8.75
Experimental rice pilaf (sorta) with sauce - 1
Garlic cheese bread - 7
Salad - 7
Yogurt with cherry jello flavoring - 6

The yogurt with jello flavoring was shockingly disappointing. I remember us eating that ALL the time when I was a kid. Maybe I should try another flavor.

The eggplant parmesan ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was absolutely blown away by how good it was! And very easy too! Here's how I made it:

1 medium eggplant
1 cup spaghetti sauce (I used Kroger brand 6 cheese)
2 oz shredded cheese
Olive oil

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F
Take 1 medium eggplant, cut off the ends, and cut it into 10 rings.
Cover a baking pan with foil, and brush the foil with olive oil. Place rings of eggplant on the foil, and bake for 20 minutes.

Take rings out of oven, and remove rings from the foil. Brush a fresh coat of olive oil over the foil, and put 5 rings back on the foil. Top each ring with spaghetti sauce, and sprinkle cheese on top. Put another ring on top of each (making a sandwich, more or less), and top with the remaining spaghetti sauce and cheese. Bake another 20 minutes.

Serve with garlic bread and a salad, and you have a FULL, meatless, meal!

20 Days of Meatless Menus - Prep Day

2009-01-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

"So, that's a wierd title"

I'm sure that's what you're thinking. Yes, my husband and I are fasting meat for the next 20 days. It seemed insane at the time, and crazed shopping took place today as I realized that tomorrow... we'll go meatless. I headed to my local Farmers Market (a store, not an actual market for farmers... we have one of those here, but only in the summer months.) to see what I could find.

I found bargain bins FULL of veggies and fruit, and was pretty sure that God was showing me some luv. And what did I get?

2 Sweet potatoes
2 Stripey squash
1 Yellow squash
2 Fennel
1 bag carrots
1 bag parsnips
1 head lettuce
1 brocolli
1 eggplant
Uncountable apples (cuz I'm lazy, and there have to be about 15 or so)
3 or more lemons
2 nectarines (or are they tangerines?)

I also bought 2 huge oranges and 3 more tangerines at full price.

And how much did I spend, you might ask?

$9.11

I love the Farmer's Market. *happy sigh*

Now I'm searching through recipe books, planning my menu for the next 20 days... made a bunch of muffins that we can eat for breakfasts (and froze most, because they are made with sugar and wheat bran, and they FERMENT if you keep them in a warm desk drawer in a ziplock over the weekend. WIERD!!!!!)... and I just have to take a moment to thank Tammy V especially for the recipe books she gave me. They've been used sporadically before (in fact, I took Coated Carrots to our company Holiday Party.), but definately getting a thourough usage now! lol Laurel (from Laurel's Kitchen) and I will be having some serious time together in the next few weeks. I'd also like to thank Tammy Durham, who gave me another cookbook, which I'm using to make tomorrow's supper: Roasted Eggplant Parmesan!

My Vacation in Pics

2009-01-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

These pics are in reverse order, because that's how blogger put them and i'm wayyyyyyy too lazy to move them all.
I found out that I may get a chance to watch my niece and nephew some Saturdays coming up! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!! Baby time rocks.

K-boy has grown up!!! It's creepy how much he looks like his Uncle James.

I got to love him and hold him and cuddle him... watch him play with his wittle toys and drool all over EVERYTHING.

Nana also got to hold K-boy, who is looking rather Stewie-ish in this pic! LOL

And where did this all happen? At K-girls birthday party of course!!!! She just turned two years old, and look at the look on her face... Aunt Jana loves that kid SO much. Aunt Jana also got her first hug and high five from K-girl that night.

K-girl opened up her presents in her cute wittle dress...

Aunt Jana decided to make her look like an antique photo... with 411 pictures to choose from (all but 50 were from her party lol), I had lots of fun tinkering with pics lol

She got fishies for her birthday, and was SO EXCITED!!!!!!

Baby Flower was born!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Jana got to sit in the waiting room all through the time that Mommy was being induced... and felt her heart plummet when she heard that the doctor had came out, grabbed Daddy, and said he didn't like how the labor was going and he was going to C-section the baby immediately. Nana and Aunt Jana prayed a lot, that Flower would be okay... and she came out perfectly healthy and looking just like her Mommy. Aunt Jana cried a little, she was so happy. So did Nana!

Uncle James looks so natural holding Flower... is this a sign?

Aunt Jana loves holding baby Flower!!!!

Mark and James played 13 Dead End Drive at the family Christmas at my house. Notice that Marks shirt says "I see dumb people." Also notice that Mark is looking at James.

Jakey LOVED making faces at the camera!!!! How can you not love this kid? I mean, really...

He's just so cute! Even when making monster faces!

We adopted a student from Japan for the holidays, and she played Monopoly for the first time!

Mommy and Momma Rita played too, as did Jana and Jakey. Jana got bored WAY before the ADHD (but medicated!) Jakey... is that sad or what?

K-boy was lookin all gangsta in his wittle hat at Nana's house for Christmas!

Jana gave Flower's mommy two goth onesies for Flower, just for fun! Aren't they cute? Jana also bonded with her other sis-in-law, pictured on the left. Scary stuff!!! (And yes, Kim and Jakey were at the family Christmas. DONT. ASK.)

Nana is showing K-girl the Sesame Street books Aunt Jana and Uncle James gave her for Christmas!

Altogether Jana had the best Christmas EVER. Somehow she forgot to upload the New Years Eve pics for this post, so you'll see them later... but this Christmas I really felt like i had a family... two precious neices and one nephew that I'm completely crazy about, family that I argued with, and so on... it was amazingly awesome.

Merry Christmas and Happy Plumbing!

2008-12-24T06:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve, going crazy with Christmas preps...

But finally, today, we have a functional toilet! Ours had been leaking and then plugged. Now it FLUSHES!!!!!!! *happy dance*

By the way, WHY would the plumber need to repeatedly use our MICROWAVE? Must ask hubby about this when he gets home from shopping.

Also, I have to rant for a moment about the suckiness of my brother-in-law. We had volunteered to watch his two kids today before the family gathering, and so I decided that since this is the ONLY time the kids (K-Girl, age 2; K-Boy, age 6 months) had even been to my house... I was going to make it special. My brother-in-law was going to drop them off on his way to work (he works 5 minutes from our house), about 2:30... and then I decided that K-Girl and I were going to decorate cookies together. I bought packages of cookie cutters, sprinkles, all the fun stuff my mom and I had when we made cookies together... scrubbed and child-proofed my house... got the cookie dough ready...

And waited...

And waited...

And waited...

2:45 he called... he was running late, and decided to drop the kids off at our aunt's house instead. I am still BEYOND disappointed... I had been talking about this at work, how I was going to make cookies with my niece and was so excited... Grr.

So basically, I will see my neice for maybe 5 minutes, and hold my nephew for a max of 2 minutes before the aunts (who see the kids all the time) take him out of my arms...

People suck.

Christmas Music?

2008-12-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm downloading Christmas music for our Christmas party at my house, and was wondering if you all have any faves?

The Friendship Game

2008-12-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

Not ALL of my friends suck.

(Don't you love those cute little retro book titles? "John and the Painful Adventure, or, Never Tease a Grisly Bear" hehe)

This weekend was bad... I already posted to you about one friend lying to me and taking advantage of me... another one said something to me that was just... TOTALLY out of bounds. I was beginning to wonder why I bothered with friendships at all, if this was all I was going to get out of it...

And then a different friend came over. She saw I was upset, and asked what was wrong... listened to me rant, shared my anger at the situation... and then when I was done we talked about her problems. She also offered to help decorate my house with me for Christmas! I felt all kinds of loved, and realized that no, not all my friends suck. Just most. lol

So, you're probably asking yourself, "why doesn't Jana make new friends who don't suck so badly?" I asked myself that question too, and will now analyze the reasons:

1. I was a sucky friend in the past, and still see myself that way. I was selfish, and sometimes downright emotionally/verbally abusive to friends in the past. I still know that I have potential to hurt people this way again... and tell myself I don't deserve friends because of it. HOWEVER... although I have potential to hurt people, I don't do it... I don't even yell at them when they DO deserve it! lol

2. My house is not clean and has so many (big) problems, I'm embarassed to invite anyone over. This is completely true, and partially unavoidable. My house DOES have big problems, but most of them are in rooms guests don't enter. The only remaining severe problems are in the bathroom... (the seal beneath the toilet broke AGAIN. *sigh) and we have reached the point where we are calling a plumber on Monday. The toilet will be fixed, and we're going to price having the tub/sink piping redone and finding & replacing the leaky hot water pipe. For the first time in a year, we may be able to take real showers! *happy dance* And the cleaning? I just need to get the house clean, and see how clean I can keep it. If I do my best, and it's still not clean, then people will just have to love me anyway lol But I believe I DO have the ability to keep my house clean, I just have to teach myself how to do it.

3. I'm wierd, and I always say the wrong thing. This is probably true, and unavoidable. Especially with the stresses in my life at the moment, my mind and mouth don't always have the filter they are supposed to have between them. I may loose some friends because of this... but they would be true friends if that happened, now would they?

Okay, I'm sure there are more reasons buried deep inside my little psyche... but I need to finish the dishes and get my lazy butt to bed. Nite everyone!!!!!

The Intervention

2008-12-19T23:18:00.000-08:00

So, how did my intervention go? I waited until the drive home, because I didn't want to ruin the trip... I didn't call her on the lie, but I did tell her that as of mid-Feb, whether she decided to spend her tax money on a car or not, I was done giving rides (except to church, and then only to church and food on the way). I explained that I needed to know that people like me for who I am and not what I do, and that I didn't want to be always asking myself if I was being taken advantage of.

She asked why I was waiting so long. LOL (I told her because I didn't want to tell her that when I knew she wouldn't have money to change her situation until Feb.)

Along the way, I realized why I keep a friend who is so obviously dysfunctional in my life...

Because I can be myself with her. Completely, totally myself, 95% of the time. She and James are the only people in my life that I feel this way with. With others I'm performing, striving to be good enough, to be accepted, to be what everyone wants. Since this friendship is so dysfunctional, I don't NEED to be accepted... because I'm needed. No matter what I do, I'll always be valued... because I'm needed. And even if I wasn't needed... this particular friend is almost always okay with me being completely, wholeheartedly, me. She gets when I don't want to talk, when I just want to stay in my house, when I compulsively crochet as I listen to her talk (and she knows that YES, I am listening). She doesn't think I'm wierd when I say something stupid or backwards... She gets that I'm sometimes restless and moody... and although sometimes she makes me want to throw objects, other times being with her is one of the most relaxing things in my life.

I'll be analyzing the friendship issue further throughout this weekend.

What the Heck?

2008-12-19T18:24:00.001-08:00

Picture this...

You are willing taking a friend Christmas shopping, because has no motivation to learn to drive and is dependant on others. You tell her that you will drive the 15 minutes to get her, the 30 minutes to the shopping center, and then reverse all of that. You are never offered gas money. Your ownly stipulation is that you go late late at night, to 24 hour stores, to avoid the crowd.

Your friend texts to see if you are still planning to go. When you say yes, she tells asks if you can go early because her mom said a big storm was coming. You check the local TV station, Intellicast, and Accuweather, and see no storm. You text back saying this, and your friend says she just wanted to go earlier so you could take her to the dollar tree.

The more I think about this, the more REALLY angry I'm feeling. I really, really, really, hate being lied too.

Soooo... to salvage the friendship, we're going to have a bit of an "intervention" tonight. The kind of intervention where a friend is told "If you don't use your tax money to get a car and driving lessons, there will be no more rides for you, ANYWHERE, except church (cuz I do that for God's benefit, not yours, douchebag.) because your blatant abuse of my driving ability is making me ~~want to commit acts of senseless violence against you~~ feel really angry inside."

We'll see how this goes, and report back.

Jana standing up for self - take 2!! *film take thingy snapping closed and episode beginning*

Sad Today

2008-12-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

So today I'm feeling sad, and angry... not really sure why.

Is it the holidays? Probably... but added to it is the fact that today was one of those days where I could not do ANYTHING right. A coworker lost confidence in me. The temp hired by our department may be promoted to a position above me, since I don't have my degree. I asked my Spanish-speaking coworker if we could speak Spanish occasionally, and she replied as she would to a small, slightly retarded child.

I just want to sit and quietly cry my eyes out... but I have no idea what is REALLY wrong that's why I'm so sensitive to all of this. I know that anything that even mildly reminds me of homes and hugs and love makes me wanna break into happy emotional tears...

And now, even in the time I've taken to type this, the mood has started to pass... wierd, eh??? Met up with some old friends on Facebook, read a funny story on a Spanish-learning website, and starting to break out of my funk.

Moods are weird.

Jana Life Update - The Family

2008-12-13T17:17:00.000-08:00

So, after a fun break from blogging during a week in which I had an unexpected regression to my ADHD/emotionally unstable ways.... Many fun things happened. We'll start today with some updates from the family life sector:

My brother-in-law has a job near my house now, and has been randomly living on our couch. The up side: I will get to see my neice and nephew more, thanks to an agreement I struck with their mama. (Transportation for the brother-in-law from work in exchange for baby time for me.) The down side: My brother-in-law has been IN. MY. HOUSE. I'm cleaning out the back bedroom so there will be a room for me to send him to when I get annoyed. LOL
My father-in-law moved to town... for two whole days, approxmiately. Came to my house, made me unable to hate him (how can you hate anyone who is THAT pathetic? Douchebag!), told me how badly he wanted to move to Indiana and be close to his family again after being gone for NINETEEN YEARS... (Actually longer.... james is 24 and his dad walked out when he was 18 months old... 22 and a half years. Douchebag.)... and then decided to move to Texas. GOOD. FREAKING. RIDDANCE.
My Christmas plans are proceeding decently. So far we have 4 people coming, possibly a fifth... and Kim is inviting some more friends of ours, since I'm sad that it will be so empty.
My grandma is having renal failure... which makes me very very sad.
Kim's grandma has been given 72 hours to live... that just makes me wanna cry. I remember the hours, waiting... sitting by the bedside, listening to every breath, wondering if it's the last... I don't envy Kim's mom at all right now.
Jakey has been given meds for ADHD, and I am wishing I could steal some of them. The past few days my thoughts have been racing and I've been insanely hyper... talking crazy (no filter between my brain and my mouth... always a bad thing)... and without hardly any caffine! I actually cut the caffine BACK! (Yes, I plan to pay off my doctor ASAP and get some happy pills.) Jakey, however, is really benefiting from the medication, and I'm excited for him. I can't wait until he gets his first good behaviour award at school... I plan to take him out to eat, anywhere he wants to go, to celebrate.
I am seeing my dad EVERYWHERE... all the men with white hair and beards remind me of him (except the ones dressed as Santa, cuz that's just creepy.) I miss him a lot during the holidays.
My mother-in-law has learned how to forward e-mails. 22 deleted e-mails later... God help us all. *sigh*
I've been feeling some holiday depression (probably due to missing my dad...) and would really like to remedy that with some good Christmas horror movies... any recommendations?

So that's what's going on in my family life. Stay tuned for the next update... The Craftz. Until then....

What's going on in YOUR family??

Finally...

2008-12-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

I sold my wares at a craft bazaar at my aunt's church this weekend... didn't have much business, but sold a few earrings and ornaments. My mommy came by, and I ranted to her about the untimely demise of my Christmas ornaments, and my pathetic need for the mouse advent calendar. I went to her house later to pick up some things I'd left at my cousin Debby's house... and there was the calendar. I hugged it and cried for a deeply unreasonable period of time. I took it home, and the next day my hubby went out before work and stocked it up with candy and hung it up for me... prompting another good warm-fuzzy-cry. I ate today's candy, and cried a little more... and then ate chocolate from last week. *giggle*

The holiday depression has now broken, and I can face the holiday season... armed with a very huggable mousey happily living in his advent calendar. (And with it, memories of Christmases gone by, of love from my Mommy and a warm comfy home and my Dad still being alive.)

All is right in my world.

(P.S. There will be no gay marriage post tonight, I'm going to bed. )

Breaking News:

2008-12-03T16:50:00.001-08:00

A single friend is at my house taking a pregnancy test because she missed a pill.

I've been trying to get pregnant for months and months....

Do I suck because I feel like throwing things at her?

UPDATE: It seemed to be a false alarm (Though she is not positive, since it may just be too early for the test. Personally, I think it's probably just pre-period symptoms.) and she has gone home. I still want to throw things at her, but I maintained a friendly and joking demeanor, and so on and so forth.

Now I'm just tired, and in need of pleasant dreams and a hug or two. With this week's paycheck, I am going to pay off my doctor, and try and put some money in a secret savings account for roof repairs. Once the roof is completely fixed, or we KNOW we'll have the money to have it completely fixed, I'll go to a fertility specialist. I'll also be able to get my thyroid and things checked out... and be able to see MY doctor again, instead of visiting a random clinic.

In sad news, I still want my mouse calendar. I cried thinking about it today... I don't understand what it is that I really want, that the calendar means to me. Safety and love, maybe... or just the candy inside the calendar lol

Doctors Visit

2008-12-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

So I went to the doctor today. I do still have the ear infection, and so he gave me drops for my ears...

And may I just add, that when your ear is infected, that stuff going down your ears is one of the WORST feelings ever? Yeah... it sucks.

He doesn't know what is causing the dizzy spells yet, and he gave me a spreadsheet to list my spells on and some questions about the spell... length, stuff I ate, stress, etc.

I am so exhausted I can't hardly see straight... I'm going to bed.

Results

2008-12-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Remember how last week I committed to myself, to doing some cleaning only for my personal benefit? Would you like to see the results?

My desk has a FLOOR near it!!!!! The top of the desk is still trashed, but I spend too much time actually WORKING at my desk for it to ever actually be clean lol

The bookcase corner. Notice that the shovel and other manly tools have been moved to the back porch... no place to put the trim at though, so it's still in the corner until I figure something out.

The game corner! Yes, it's still kinda disorganized... but the games are together in piles, the wedding albums/photo frames are all together, and the pile of random crap to give & return to my inlaws next weekend is neatly together. GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!!!

(Thanks Jen, for asking me to give pics... that helped motivate me SO much!!!!)

*~*~*~*~*~*

In happy news, I'm feeling better after my very-good-cry Sunday. I've known I needed a really good crying-ranting-raving for a while... but not been able to get it out and move on. Holidays are hard, I'm missing my dad like absolutely crazy and seeing him everywhere in everyone I meet, and James and I have both been working ourselves crazy... but things are better, and I feel much better now.

My period arrived yesterday, a full EIGHT days late... which is mainly annoying because 1. I'm not pregnant and 2. I had an algebraic equation figured out for calculating my period...

x + 2 = y

Where x = the amount of days in the cycle of the month before, and y = the amount of days that will be in the current cycle.

This had been faithfully true for several months (at least, I think it had.)... 1 day late, 3, 5,.... and now 8. Piece of crap periods!!!! Ruining my perfect algebraicly correct cycles. Grr.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Tomorrow I go to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor, and find out WHY I have had an ear infection since May, and not been able to get rid of it even with an antibiotic. (It's actually worse now.)

The Gay Marriage Debate - The Face of "Gay"

2008-12-01T08:00:00.001-08:00

Growing up in a small midwestern town, "gay" was not something you encountered much. To call someone "gay" was the ultimate insult. As I grew up, things didn't change much. The gay population in our area was 1, Tammy, the local vet. When she hired an assistant, who was female, the rumor-mill was flowing like never before! LOL

When I heard about "gay," it was often in the story of Sodom & Gomorrah, towns so lustful that the men wanted to gang-rape an angel! When I didn't hear it in that sense, it was in news from outraged citizens, who had heard of gay parades where men groped each other and participated in other lewd behavior, of child molesters preying on young boys, or of straight men and women who were sexually harassed by a lustful gay colleague at their job.

This, to my young mind, was the face of "gay." And to be honest, this is the face of "gay" that many opponents of gay marriage still see. This is the face they want to protect their children from, and the face that inspires their hatred. And really, who can blame them? If I believed that all gay men would rape my sons, and all gay women would grope each other on my front sidewalk in front of my babies, I would be experiencing some serious hate too! lol

But the face of "gay" is not this grotesque image, any more than the face of Christianity is the bombers of abortion clinics. They are the radicals, the people who make the news... but they are not the norm.

The true face of "gay," I believe, is much more diverse. It includes people just going about their daily lives and enjoying their families, just like everyone else. It includes people throwing birthday parties for their kids, experiencing the nightmarish hell of home renovations (Oh, do I remember those days...) , and taking the required pregnant belly photos! It includes men and women, old and young, rich and poor.

*~*~*Today's Discussion*~*~*

How were gay couples thought of when you were growing up? How are they thought of where you live today?

Why Me?

2008-11-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

Why does it always have to happen to me?

I get all kinds of cleaning done, happily get water heating up in a pan on the stove to shower with (Yes, we still have no hot water. 10 months now...) so I won't reak of BO as we go to church, and remember that I have to see what Christmas decorations we have so I can bring them into work tomorrow. So, as the water is heating up, I go out to the laundry room to find the boxes of decorations.

First of all, one box seems to be lost. Which would be bad, except... the two boxes that I did find? Ruined. Everything except the glass ornaments and the lights (possibly) were ruined. Between water damage (how the heck did they get water damage?!), mildew or mold of some sort, and mice... almost everything is ruined.

I could have handled all of that... but when I got to the bottom of the first box, I saw a spider.

And I even could have handled that... had I been able to find the mouse advent calendar that I've had since childhood. The one that every year my mom would put a candy in each days slot, and as the mouse moved into a new day I got to eat the candy. I NEED that calendar!!!!!!!!!!! That stupid calendar is one of the few childhood things I have left that make me feel safe and comforted... I can't loose it! I really really really NEED that calendar. More than I can even understand.

So maybe the other box of decorations are in the trunk of my car (God knows what is in the trunk of my car.) or at my Mom's house... I don't know.

Life is SO unfair. I have no idea what I could even have DONE to deserve this... the laundry room evindently has a leak of some kind (leaky room number 3, sometimes 4... the bathroom leaks when it rains really hard.) , the back bedroom has leaked so badly that everything in it has a dusty whitish-green coat of mold on it, and our bedroom leaks so bad that it wakes me up when it rains outside. I can't even count how many things have been ruined in the year and a half that I've owned this house.

And all of this, every stupid rotten unfair thing, I could handle... if I could just wash it away with a good shower.

Neglect & Commitment

2008-11-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

In looking at my house today, I came to a deep realization...

The office, the one room in our house devoted to my hobbies and used almost exclusively by me, is the worst kept room in our house. It isn't just a little messy, or a little trashed... It is completely and utterly out of control.

I still have the contents of our bathroom cabinet in my house from renovation time in August. I believed we were going to finish the renovations soon, which involved lifting the sink up again, and just never bothered to put the stuff back below the sink again.

I also never put the equipment away. Notice on the floor a shovel and the red power tool (jigsaw, I think), and the blue bag filled with manuals about plumbing and other home improvements.. Also notice the binder on the floor, which was meant to be my collage journal book... randomly tossed away.

I have no excuse at all for the other two areas. My computer area is a complete disaster. In my defense, the videos laying all around WERE in a nice tidy pile, but I knocked it over. *sigh*

And the table area... wow. I have no words for this.

This housekeeping tells a lot about me. The rooms used for everyone's benefits are far cleaner. The clutter in them is much less and much newer. They have been vacuumed more recently. They are cared for, a reflection of how I care about others, about "us" as a whole. The room I use is neglected, it's contents scattered carelessly, and the lowest on my priority list... a reflection of how I treat myself.

This holiday weekend I am making a commitment, to ME.

I commit to take only one friend to one destination (Kim to church) and no other errands on behalf of others.

I commit to working first and foremost to clean in my office, purely for my own benefit and sanity.

I commit to restablishing a solid pratice of daily collage. I commit to getting all of my supplies together and a bit more organized (but not anally organized.)

I commit to taking time to chat with God, my strongest supporter.

I commit to doing this all at my own pace, while still enjoying myself with fun things along the way.

The Weight of the World

2008-11-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

Today, for the first time in... two years? Three years? My family actually got together for a holiday! I decided to go ahead and go, since I was feeling some better. I'm still feeling better (which reminds me, crap, I didn't take my antibiotic with my afternoon munching/supper-ish thing. BRB, doing that now.) *returning with Stovetop stuffing leftovers to eat with the meds.* My throat is sore today from talking and singing so much on the way home, (We've always sung Christmas songs on the way home from Thanksgiving. ALWAYS.) and ears still feel all full and gross, but I'm otherwise doing pretty darn good!

The family gathering was awesome, we had SO much fun!!!! James was himself, which was awesome... it was the first time my family really got to know him at all. We had a bonfire, and burnt a couch. (HOLY. FREAKIN. CRAP. Dude... the minute that thing caught fire, it was like WHOOSH and huge nasty black smoke and crazy intense heat came out of it! AND THAT WAS JUST FROM TWO CUSHIONS! Amy the Awesome Cousin has pics.) I got to see Amy the Awesome Cousin and her hubby and kids... I really love Amy's family. Her hubby's sense of dry humor just cracks me up! Her oldest kiddo (who barely qualifies as a kiddo, since she IS like 16 now.), Kid #1, and I always have fun chatting, and I got to know Kid #2 a lot better through the day... and got to spend real time with Kid #3 and Kid #4, for the first time EVER... the only other times I've seen them is at a funeral (our Grandpa) and a wedding (mine). Kid #3 said the prayer over our food, and it contained a phrase similar to: "And God I love you, I really do, and that's why I do! Amen!!!" So cute!

On the downside, and I do have to blog about this since it IS what the title is based on... my grandma did not enjoy the family gathering. And being the youngest (and favorite) grandchild, I feel like that is all my fault. I came in, gave her a hug, and told her I had to stay away from her cuz I was sick and contagious. (Because I AM sick, and possibly contagious, and she is already on a nebulizer 3 times every day. And I have a COUGH. *blink* This is a bad combo.) I didn't chat with her much, even when I noticed others weren't talking to her either. I didn't even talk to her much at the table, when I felt like she was always watching me. I wasn't sure what to say or what to do, so I quietly pondered... and she ended up leaving the room to just be alone. And although I know that we were a noisy and overwhelming group, with lots of kids and so on, I keep feeling like it's all my fault.

In the past, this situation would have concluded like this: I would have kept blaming myself. I would have hated myself. I would have felt a heavy weight of guilt, and assumed that everyone else blamed me as much as I blamed myself. I would have avoided family until they had a chance to forget, and then felt more guilty for avoiding them. (Do you see an endless cycle forming? It did.)

I'm putting the brakes on it today... I had a GREAT time with my family, and my grandma was most likely just truly overwhelmed. Mom said that my Aunt Ruth is feeling just as guilty as I am, maybe even more so, because Grandma had changed her mind about going a couple of days ago, but Aunt Ruth persuaded her to come anyway since she was the reason we decided to celebrate together. The weight of the world doesn't rest on me. The weight of my grandma's happiness and well-being does not rest squarely on my two shoulders. Maybe I made a mistake, and didn't talk to her enough. The world won't end from that... I can always go visit her and chat with her then. I can forgive myself, I can move on....

And I can instead switch to feeling the guilt and lethargy brought on by eating insanely huge portions of turkey, stuffing, and PIE!!!! I love my family... sweet potato casserole, turkey that was SO MOIST, mashed potatoes that were perfectly done, and did I mention pies? Pumpkin, apple, double-decker pumpkin (made by my Beloved), and CHERRY. *happy sigh*

*taking antibiotic, finishing my portion of stuffing, and heading to BED*

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!!!!!

2008-11-26T17:19:00.000-08:00

Quick update:

Still feeling crappy, but I DID go to the doctor last night. I have a nasal spray that is supposed to help clear up my ear infection, and an antibiotic specifically geared to people with tolerance to amoxicillan (which I have... cuz dude, I was ALWAYS sick as a kid, and they always prescribed that! Even when I didn't work... but it tasted yummy!). I'm supposed to call on Saturday to update the doc, and if it's not better by Monday I have to see an ENT doctor to find out why I've had this ear infection since May. In the meantime if I can just get rid of the sniffle and the cough... I'd be great.

No idea yet if we'll get to go to either family gathering tomorrow... if I feel like I would be contagious, I can't go to mom's family, because I can't risk making my Grandma sick. We might try to go to James's family, since no one there has low immunity... but I doubt it. I really want to try to go to my family. Soooooo... I've packed my yarn and other fun stuff in my little bag in case we get to go, and we'll see how I feel in the morning. Now I'm on my way to take my antibiotic with a Star Crunch and some tea, and head to bed.... Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!!!

Back at Square One

2008-11-25T10:13:00.000-08:00

So, after a week of keeping the faith and all...

Here I am, again, in the mullygrubs.

I'm still sick, and Thanksgiving is two days away. I have GOT to get better!! Cousin Amy might be moving across the US, and I wanna see her first! The sinus infection is mostly gone, having left some fun bronchitis in it's stead.

I have paid my heat bill, and the heat is supposed to be turned on and my pilot light lit sometime today. Unfortunately, I had to go through minor hell yesterday to get it...

*scene fading to yesterday*

Work yesterday was hell. Shortstaffed, blah blah blah... by the time I got off work, ALL I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. Unfortunately, life didn't happen that way. A friend came over with a flat tire. I took her with me as I ran errands, and then brought her to her job, after stopping at McDonalds. McDonalds, BTW, screwed up everything I ordered. So badly, in fact, that they ended up giving me back all of my money, and remaking all of my food. I went home to wait to pick up the aforementioned friend from work. She was going to borrow my car, run to her mommy's house in another town to pick up a tire, and come back. Greeted my hubby, gave him hugs, made him load laundry into his car, and picked up my friend. Came home to get James's car to take to the laundrymat, shut the cat's tail in the door (owwie!), blah blah blah...

Went to the laundromat, completely exhausted, because we were out of clean clothes. James had worked a 12 hour shift and had to be back awake at 3AM, so it fell to me to do the laundry. Fine, okay, great. Got home at 9 ish, brushed my teeth, changed into jammies, and went to bed.

Couldn't sleep. Where is my car? Why is my friend taking so long? blah blah blah... my thoughts were whirring. I didn't realize HOW late my friend was supposed to work, so by 1:30AM I was wide awake, putting on my jacket, and going to look for her.... when she came in. *sigh.* She'd just gotten off work, grabbed clothes, and came straight over. I felt like a moron.

Went to bed, slept like a baby. woke up, came to work... brought my friend with me because she had a class here on campus, then was going back to my house to wait for the furnace man. Except the key wouldn't work in the door of my house. SO... after being verbally lashed out at by a virtual stranger here at work, FOR DOING MY JOB... I had to leave work. I was in tears... I had to admit that my gas had been shut off because I was so poor, and then a stranger was ranting, and I was still exhausted...

And now, it's lunchtime. I have piles of work waiting for me when I come back, a meeting I've put off with my boss since yesterday (because other people are gone, I've been doing two people's jobs... while trying to do my own too!), and so on and so forth....

I'm keeping the faith...

But do you mind if I keep some alcohol too?

Keepin' the Faith

2008-11-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

Before I begin my actual post, some questions were asked about henna tattoos.

Henna is a plant that produces a red-orange dye, which is used in body art in the Middle East, India, and even Africa. In fact, it's even talked about in the Bible (it's called Camphire there.) Hehe looking at Wikipedia, it looks like henna for body art is actually illegal here, which makes me feel even warmer and fuzzier inside about using it. Anyway, the henna leaves are mashed into a paste, which is applied to your skin in pretty designs. You let the paste dry, and as it is drying your skin absorbs the dye! After a while it fades... mine was done on Monday, and now part of the design is totally gone, and part is faded.

~*~*~*~*~*~

So, my devoted readers will probably remember that about a week ago that I was posting about being very depressed, and how life was just completely sucking.

That was last Saturday. I felt like everything was crashing around me... our finances were the worst they'd ever been, we couldn't even afford to get our heat turned on... work was CRAZY, with everyone spatting and all this drama, in addition to an insanely high work load... and so on and so forth.

Sunday I dragged my lazy butt to church, only to hear my pastor preach on faith. By the end, I realized I had completely given up hope for my situation! I had decided things were never going to get better, and we'd always have to struggle like this. I decided to let go, stop the panic, and cancel my trip to the pawn shop. (Seriously. I had stuff packed.) I decided to just trust God, have faith, and relax.

So how did that work out for me?

Sunday afternoon a friend took me out for supper at Dennys! I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Monday when I got to work, the coworker who all the drama had centered around had quit. My workload increased a little, but life is SO PEACEFUL there now in comparison. 75% of my job stress ended that day. I was able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about work! Then, when I got home from work, James told me that instead of his job cutting his hours, like they had been doing, he was on manditory overtime! He has worked 76 hours this week, and next week he will have at least 10 more hours of overtime! (If not more... James plans to be working overtime frequently until Christmas.)

The bills are being paid, the heat will be turned on sometime next week (whenever we can actually be HOME, so they can come turn it on.), the job is bearable, and in general....

Life is good.

So if you're going through one of those periods where life sucks, keep the faith. It works.

Life Update in Pictures

2008-11-18T18:48:00.000-08:00

Henna tattoo. I got this from a student group at the college I work at, as part of International Education Week... and holy crap, it was awesome!!!! I could fall in love with these. Also, as an added bonus, mine seem to soak into the skin better because my skin is so dry! SWEET!! (On a side note, can anyone else find the giraffe on my hand?)

A deformed butter lid. Coincidentally, the notches melted into it seem to match the pattern on the right front burner of my stove exactly. *sigh*

A puzzle! My mommy and I worked it Saturday, now I just have to glue it together and put it on my wall!

A coloring page!!!! Tammy V is designing coloring pages again for Art Everyday Month! You can find this one here. My inner child was BEYOND happy with this, and went to town painting last night! Thanks Tammy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm going to lay down, because I'm getting a cold. Good news and "eh." news to share later.

*hugs to all*

Dancing & Life

2008-11-15T18:19:00.000-08:00

Last night was my second dance party, following a pre-party Waltz class. I struggled a lot, but I had a LOT of fun. I can now do some basic steps in: Foxtrot, ChaCha, Rumba, East Coast Swing, Merangue, and since none of us were giving requests to the DJ, we all learned a line dance.... which was surprisingly HARD physically. I was like... wow.

Talked to a lady there who teaches belly dancing on the campus I work at... she does that on Monday nights, so I may join the fun. They're free, and since this month will be my last regular dance class for a while as we save up money to pay for books for my classes in January... this might be a fun option for me.

I still don't feel like I have any control over my body... I still feel like the uncoordinated kid in the corner who people choose last for EVERY sports team. I wonder how long I have to dance before my body feels like it's mine, ya know?

I've become depressed. This new job, recurring grief over my dad, upcoming holidays, financial issues, combined with the normal crap (the house isn't clean, at all, because I've been depressed. I'm more depressed because the house is dirty. I'm depressed because I feel fat and ugly. Since I'm depressed, I overeat and just want to sleep all the time, thereby making myself gain more weight...) has just been too much. I need to talk to a doctor about happy pills, but that brings us back to the financial issues... I owe money to the doctor (stupid insurance switch at my old job, I didn't realized they weren't paying my doctor bills til it was too late.), so I can't get in to see her until I pay... and even if I did, I couldn't afford the prescription...

Basically, every area of my life is out of control... and I'm cracking. So, I'll go back to making collages, spending time with myself, letting myself heal... perhaps that will be enough to get me through.

New Creations

2008-11-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

So, for those of you who are wondering...

Yes, I have been crocheting again! I made a new baby set... hoping to get some things made to try and sell in December. We'll see how that works. For now... I made a baby sweater: (My first baby sweater! I'm so excited about that!)

And a reversable baby bib...

And even a hat!!!!

Fredbert was kind enough to model the hat, but it looked kinda wrong on him... he was being all rap star about it, which is just wrong in a girly hat, ya know? LOL

I DID IT!!!!!

2008-11-11T18:55:00.001-08:00

Tonight, I had dance class....

And I did it right!!!!!!!!

I struggled, A LOT, but in the end I danced and I danced and I got the dance RIGHT! My instructor gave me compliments, TWICE!!!!!!!

In all honestly, life has been really hard lately and my self-esteem has flat-lined... it seems like every area of my life is in chaos... I can't do things right in any of them. My house is a mess, I can't seem to get things done fast enough at work (we have a horrible backlog... the person before me died in like... June? lots of work to catch up on), the bills are out of control, and so on and so forth...

But one little thing, done right, made me feel like a million bucks, and I am SO holding on to that.

OH! And I did a turn, without trouble! I was the first girl to get it right! Hehe that rocked too.

Fall

2008-11-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

Leaves sparkle brightly
The morning sun glinting off the night's dew
Covering the ground
A beautiful blanket of fall hues

League of Women Voters?

2008-11-06T23:39:00.000-08:00

A lady I work with belongs to the League of Women Voters, and I was just wondering if any of you had any interaction with them? I'm contemplating joining... and no, not just because the co-worker mentioned a party for the LWV members, complete with FOOD. Although, in the spirit of full disclosure, the promise of food DID cause me to be interested enough to look up the stands the LWV takes on different issues. Also, they distributed the "I voted today" stickers at the polls... and you know, I have a weakness for stickers. And food.

Anyway, if you HAVE been involved with or encountered the LWV women, I'd love to know your thoughts. If not, and you're wondering what the heck I'm rambling about, you can check our their national website here:

http://www.lwv.org/

My local website is here:

http://lwvvigocounty.org/

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In other news, Obama is going to be our new president!!!!!

I know a lot of you may be upset about that, saying things like "where is our country going, and why are we in this handbasket?" (hehe, that statement always cracks me up on t-shirts.) but regardless of your belief system, you have to admit that Obama has AMAZING potential to unite our country. I urge you to give him a fair shot, and stand behind him on whatever issues you feel are morally right. He IS the leader of our country now, and I wholeheartedly believe he deserves a chance to prove himself without our constant judgement.

I believe that he can unite this country, and we have been divided for SO LONG. I don't think we have truly been "United we stand", except for a very brief period after Sept 11, since WWII. That is SO sad... and divided we WILL fall. I believe it's time we set aside our own agendas, our old arguements, and try for once to do something together as a country. Like... perhaps... get our economy out of the crapper?

TRUE change requires a united front... and change is the one platform everyone agreed on across the party lines. So now... lets unite and change some things!!!!

ROFL

2008-11-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight's best quotes from Big Bang Theory:

Leonard: What's going on in there?
Penny: The only way I could explain is to a therapist using dolls.

Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!

That is the BEST. SHOW. EVER.

GOAL!

2008-10-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

Today I've been looking over my list of 101 Things in 1001 Days, and checking out my progress. A few that I completed at least part of:

6. Crochet 2 garments for myself (a sweater, skirt, etc... something big) (0/2) - White shrug finished in September

32. Take one dance class or buy another dance video - Finished Cha-Cha classes 10/28 (By the way, these were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun!!!!!! We've already signed up for another class next month, East Coast Swing!)

78. Make a budget - Done 10/3 (For all the good it did us... with the job changes, that did NOT go well!)

A few that I've made progress on:

1. Read the entire Bible - On Deuteronomy 22
2. Memorize one scripture from each book in the Bible (3/52) - Genesis 1:1, Exodus 14:14, Leviticus 26:13
30. Complete Spanish the Easy Way - On Chapter 21 (I was on 20 when I started back at it... slow progress, but better than nothing!)
42. Make and keep one e-mail penpal for at least 6 months - Started chatting on Oct 23 (And in Spanish, even!!!! Does this make up for my lack of progress on #30? lol)
45. Go to 10 community events (for fun, not business) (2/10) Farmers Market, Asian Cooking Class, (I haven't been to either of these in over a month, but they are both excellent things to do.)

So, yeah. I feel like a bit of a loser for not doing more, but I have had a lot of other things going on in the meantime.

In other news, my work is going better... James's schedule for work may be changing yet again (we'll see) now that one member of management there has been suspended w/o pay after being arrested with marijuana, and another was fired today for sexual harassment... I'm loving dance classes and life in general... looking forward to Halloween weekend at Kim's house, which is always an adventure lol.

Okay, I'm off to bed now... love to you all, and apologies for not bloghopping at the moment... sooner or later I'll get back in the swing of this!

Wierd...

2008-10-26T10:45:00.001-07:00

(I posted this earlier, but accientally posted it to the foodie blog! Oops.)

I just had the wierdest dream...I was Sonic the Hedgehog.

I did the flips, the running, everything! I jumped from one little train track to another, felt the track on my chest when I landed..The scene was dark night, and the tracks glowed in bright colors...

So cool. SO. SERIOUSLY. COOL.

I'm going back to bed now... but when I wake up, I am SO playing Sonic.

Happy Job Thoughts!

2008-10-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to give you all a quick list of the great things happening at my job (the not-great things will remain unspoken, due to legal issues concerning work & blogging), because to be quite honest, the perks ROCK!!!!

I composed a top 5 list!

Top 5 Reasons Why Jana Loves Her Job:

5. Nerds!!!! - One of the student workers is a fellow OCD nerd!!!!! We are having fun chats! NERDS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!!!!!!

4. Databases - After 8 years not being able to play with databases (which I dearly love doing), I now have the task of making a majorly awesome database!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

3. Spanish practice - my supervisor is from Spain, and as soon as I get my courage up, (I'm shooting for tomorrow) I plan to start speaking Spanish to her some each day!!!

2. Classes - Today I officially applied to take two classes next semester, which I receive at an 80% discount! I declared my major as Social Work, and my minor as Education (haven't decided what ages yet.) Monday I'll know if I'm accepted!

And the top reason I love my job is.....

*dramatic drum roll*

1. THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!! - The campus library not only has a ton of books by J.D. Robb, my current fave author... it also has SEASON DVDs of shows like MASH, Law & Order, and STAR TREK VOYAGER... AND it has computer games and video games (PS2, PS3, not sure what else)!! It even has 2 Law & Order computer games... HOLY CRAP. I think I'm in love. Can I just live in the library, please?

Life Update

2008-10-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are wondering how life is going here... a few quick updates:

*My mother-in-law had a dream that we are having a baby boy... getting pregnant sometime within the next year, judging by the ages of my nieces and nephew. We'll see how that works.

*Everything is making me sick yet again. Before you get all excited, this has happened time and time again with no baby resulting. *shrug* Weird stuff.

*I feel wrong putting job rants on here... if you want updates, you can ask me in e-mail... but I feel very weird ranting about it in the blog, so I won't be anymore. So you know, a lot has been going on... A lot that as I stated in my last post, which I am removing, I felt like I shouldn't put online. Soooooo... before you judge me as ungrateful or whiny or whatever, please keep in mind that I haven't told you any of the facts lol

*I accidentally taught my friend's 6-year-old boy to say "douche-bag". Again. *sigh* Really gotta watch my vocabulary around that kid.

*Cheese sticks = Heaven I'm sure of it.

*My sister-in-law's baby shower is next weekend, and I'm so excited! I bought a car seat for her, the infant kind with the base that the seat detaches from so you can carry it easily, a Graco brand seat, for $14 at a yard sale today. I also bought some baby clothes... and since my mother-in-law has accurately dreamed her other 3 grand babies, including genders and even one name, I indulged myself and threw some newborn baby boy clothes into the fill-a-bag-for-twenty-five-cents bag. :o)

*We're trying to get some activities started for "My Kids" again... I'm excited. (For those of you who don't know, My Kids are what I call a kid's ministry we do in a poorer town near here... we'd like to start some tutoring and other things like that for them eventually, but for the moment we mainly reinforce moral basics -don't steal or kill your siblings, etc. - and give lots of hugs and try to boost their self-esteem. I also randomly teach them to crochet, which makes them feel happy inside... and makes me feel happy inside. Warm fuzzies all around!!!!!!! lol)

Now it's bedtime, and I need to get some sleep... adios everyone, and a wonderful night to you all.

Recap of the Debate

2008-10-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

*Announcer asks a deep question*

*Obama answers semi-appropriately*

McCain: "But Joe the Plumber.....

*Obama asks McCain a question*

McCain: "blah blah blah Joe the Plumber"

*Announcer asks McCain a question*

McCain: "Joe the Plumber blah blah blah"

And so on, and so forth.... *yawn*

The only break I noticed, in the first 35 minutes or so that I watched before my patience snapped, was for the dirty politics question: (I will sumarize their responses.)

Announcer: Obama, you have said these things about McCain *insert list here*. McCain, you have said these things about Obama *insert list here* Would you be willing to say these things to each other's faces? McCain, you answer first.

McCain: "Well, I challenged Obama to town hall meetings, and if he hadn't denied me *whine whine whine*, and then I was accused of being a racist and blah blah blah *insert injured tone and poor pitiful me whining*...

Obama: Political races are tough. Suck it up.

McCain... McCain... I really wanted to like you... I tried SO HARD to like you... but you have no personality, you plan to keep giving tax breaks to companies exporting American jobs, and you just really annoy the heck out of me.

Dude. You suck.

I HAVE A NEW JOB!!!!!!

2008-10-14T05:35:00.001-07:00

I start Monday at the job I interviewed for... I'm so excited!!!!!

I'll have more details for you all later! Right now, I need to get back to work.

Thanks Tammy V.... you rock.

AMAZING!!!!

2008-10-07T18:34:00.001-07:00

My husband has found the basic template on which all political debate answers are formed:

Something something something his fault....

Something something something economic bailout...

Something something something vote for me.

All I have to say is McCain, Obama, YOU TWO FREAKIN' DISGUST ME!!!! I felt like I was watching a tennis match instead of a debate... "it's HIS fault! No, it's HIS fault!"

C'mon guys... basic kindergarten skills say it doesn't MATTER who hit first... if you're in a fistfight, you're both in trouble!!!! Now our country is the one in trouble, so stop passing the buck and passing the blame, and START SOLVING THE FREAKIN' PROBLEMS!!!!!

GROW. UP.

In happy news, I have a job interview tomorrow, for a permanent job!!!!!!!!

Political Rumor?

2008-10-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

I heard a rumor that one reason this presidential race is so critical to our nations future is that several Supreme Court justices are waiting for a Democrat to come into office so they can retire. Does anyone know how exactly I could verify this?

In other news...

*I'm exhausted. Like, the "how am I gonna stay awake til bedtime" kind of exhausted, where you just wanna nap wherever you are at.

*My hair is thinning really badly... like, the front part, that people first see when they look at me. I'm trying some new vitamins for it, we'll see how that works.

*My ear infection from May is still around, and gave me another bad dizzy spell on Friday. HOW ANNOYING! Can't wait to get medical insurance again.

*Tomorrow is my next dance class, and James is supposed to be going with me! We'll be learning the Cha-Cha!!!!!!!

I'll have more updates at a later point in time...

Insensitive

2008-09-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

Today was probably one of the worst workdays I have had in a very long time... and it leaves me wondering how people can be so insensitive.

I started out my day by a coworker loudly pointing out something I had done wrong, and then reminding them that if she had not been gone the day before, it wouldn't have happend. As I thought more about it, it was not really my fault at all, and actually kind of her fault... And combined with some other things, I just was really upset by it.

Fast forward to later, when all four of us temps were sitting around waiting for a meeting to start... we got on the subject of religion. (and no, I did NOT bring it up... we were talking about bread, which lead to Amish bread, which lead to Amish, and so on.) They began to talk about churches that don't believe in certain things... and then, they began to talk about the Pentecostals.

Did I mention that I'm Pentecostal? Yeah. The kind with long hair and a skirt? Yeppers, that's me. BY CHOICE, not cause some manipulative pastor said to. (No, you don't have to agree, it just is important to my tale.)

So as I sit there, with my uncut hair, they start to ridicule the idea that people believe cutting their hair is wrong... "Well, some people just need something to believe in... *eye roll*"... "Yeah, strength from hair, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha"....

I felt SO uncomfortable... I mean, what kind of people, one of which considers herself to be my friend, would make fun of my religion like that? Especially in a workplace?! I felt SO out of place... It was a horrible feeling... really horrible. I wanted to hide and quietly slink out... but of course I didn't.

People can be so thoughtless... *sigh*

Dancing Lesson #1

2008-09-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today I summoned up all of my courage, and went to my first ever dancing class... SO. FUN.

I went in and we started to learn the Rhumba... the dance itself was not so hard, but then they added turns...

My turns were seriously jacked up, and by halfway through the class I was ready to leave and cry... but I didn't. I stayed, I learned other complicated things they added in (while still screwing up the turns)... and I actually had a fun time. Afterwords they had a party where everyone danced different dances, and instructors would randomly ask you to dance and then teach you the dance... I learned a bit of the Foxtrot, Merangue (OMW. I love love love the merangue... SO FUN!!!!!), Waltz, and some other random dances I've forgotten.

I was stiff, I was scared to death... but going to the class brought me one step closer to the person I want to be... the person inside, who isn't afraid to try new things and possibly look like an idiot in the process... and in a week and a half, I start Cha Cha classes!!!!!! WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Some highlights of my night:

*I danced with Lady Heather from CSI... it was seriously wierd. First, it was wierd, cuz I was dancing with a girl, and my eye level was also her boob level (because she was tall and wearing heels, and I of course am short, and I was wearing flats.) It was extra-specially wierd because she looked like Lady Heather, Grissoms frightningly awesome dominatrix friend/lover?.

*I made two new friends, despite feeling completely out of my element.

*I realized I need some comfy heels, since I am short and even the tall girls wear heels there.

*I only stopped dancing less than an hour ago, and my body is already showing it's displeasure with aches and pains.

*I realized that I love turns in unstructured settings... my skirt is all like WHOOSH! and I'm spinning all around... OMW! SO fun. *happy sigh* My inner child remembers doing this in her younger years, and is deeply happy to be able to be doing it again.

Tunez

2008-09-26T19:13:00.001-07:00

The best thing about my current job is the freedom we have to wear headphones at our desks. So many times, in so many different cubes, I have spotted people with their headphones on, happily listening to their favorite online radio station...

Yesterday, I joined their ranks.

Consequently, I now have some new fave tunes to recommend, as well as AccuRadio, which is the coolest music site EVER! They have a million different categories of music you can listen too, and it is awesome.

Country:

Saddest Song That I Can't Stop Listening To:
Just A Dream - Carrie Underwood *sniffle*

Stupidest Song That I Love Deeply:
Holler Back - The Lost Trailers

Meaningful Song That Gets Me Every Time:
In Color - Jamey Johnson (seriously... it brings tears... EVERY. TIME.)

Best Song to Sing Constantly For Over A Month:
Should've Said No - Taylor Swift (Can NOT find this at YouTube... Why????)

Song That Annoyed the Heck Outta Me... Until I Watched the Video:
Good Time - Alan Jackson (How can you not like a country music video with random people doing a line dance across the south.. including a black woman in traditional African dress, a cute wittle girl, some hawt firemen - who shake their butts at the camera... *swoon* -, people doing laundry, an old guy in a suit, and so on and so forth!)

Christian:

Song That Inspires Me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME:
I Will Not Be Moved - Natalie Grant (My FAVE song by her, which says A LOT, since I love a lot of her songs. "The Real Me" was hard to top. I didn't think she'd be able to do it... but... SURPRISE! lol)

Song With The Awesomest Groove:
I'm Letting Go - Francesca Battistelli

God's Current Comments To Me Via Tunez:
Run - Kutlass

Who knows what I'll be listening to in the upcoming work weeks...

What are YOUR current fave tunes at the moment?

Grrrrrrr!!!

2008-09-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

You know what REALLY grinds my gears??????

Voter Guides!

I received one today, forwarded to me from someone I barely know, from the American Family Association.

Four things that really bother me:

1. Only certain issues, ones that some religious leaders have decided are key, are included. Issues that they don't believe are key are ignored... the result? Health care is included, but foreign policy is not. School choice is listed, but economic policy is not. What the heck????!!!!! I mean, since it's a Christian organization, abortion and gay marriage are logical things to appear in the guide... but gun control? School choice?

2. Issues are over-simplified. Not all issues can be simplified into a simple yes or no answer. For example... Obama is listed as being opposed to private ownership of handguns... however, his voting record shows he has actually voted for a bill that lets people KEEP their firearms, as well as another bill that requires a child safety lock to be provided when a gun is purchased.

He actually voted exactly the SAME way on gun-related ownership as McCain, except on one bill... The bill protects gun manufacturers from being sued when the guns are used to hurt people, armor-piercing weapons were prohibited, child-locks/safety storage must be provided when guns are bought...

McCain voted for it... Obama didn't.

So why did Obama not vote for it? One small measure tossed into the bill... "Exempts lawsuits brought against individuals who knowingly transfer a firearm that will be used to commit a violent or drug-trafficking crime" I can definately understand why he didn't vote for that, and it has nothing to do with private ownership of guns.

Obviously this issue was either overly-simplified or else the AFA is deliberately misleading... I chose to give them the benefit of the doubt.

3. DELIBERATE MISLEADING. If you look on their little chart, you will see "Reducing U.S. Dependence on Foreign Oil" in BIG BIG letters, with McCain being in support of it and Obama opposing it. But if you look in the little print below, you see "By lifting ban on off-shore drilling for oil and gas." Obama is NOT against reducing our dependence on foreign oil AT ALL... one of the main points of his Energy plan is "Eliminate Our Current Imports from the Middle East and Venezuela within 10 Years" Obama wants to reduce it by encouraging growth of hybrids, increasing fuel economy standards for cars, and other measures of this type. The guide is deliberately worded to decieve us, but since the tiny print makes it true... they get away with it.

Another example of the opposite type, is "Hate Crime Laws" which are described in the little print as "Legislation that criminalizes certain actions orstatements on the basis of sexual orientation" Ummm............. Hate crime laws are not just about sexual orientation... they protect religion, gender, race, nationality, disability,...

4. NO REFERENCES!!! No links are provided where you can find out where their "facts" come from... not even places where you can find more information!

These "guides" are simply a way to deliberately manipulate people into voting for a particular candidate who meets their agenda, and that freakin ticks me off!!!!!

You know what I want to see in a voter guide? I want to see a guide with a list of websites that help you look up your candidates, their views, and their voting histories. Maybe this weekend I'll make one...

What factual and unbiased (as much as is possible) websites do you all know of that could I include?

A Perfect Name!

2008-09-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Jen's wise gift of a website with African names, may I present to you the new, renamed...

Ndale!!! (Pronounced "n-DAH-leh")

It is a name from Malawi, and means prankster!!!! It fits him, because although he isn't really that affectionate or playful with humans, he is ALWAYS hiding from us and popping up later when we've stopped looking lol

And here is his brother and partner in crime: SIMBA!!!!!!

Better pics of them will come later, when it's more light outside and I have more time to take random pics. :o)

Jana's Life Today

2008-09-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Today I finally have some spare time!!!!! Wooooooo! Time for a blogpost, and then some fun bloghopping!

Some random life updates:

*I have my own cube at work, for the moment. I have new cube-neighbors, who like pancakes with peanut butter and maple syrup. How much better could my life be?

*I have found out that my library has Microsoft product tutorials online! My knowledge is increasing.

*I think both Simba and Nala kittens are males. Anyone have a good re-naming suggestion for Nala? He seems too little to be a Mustafa... He needs a little African man name...

*Today I am okay with not having a baby yet.

*I'm having a BLAST with Shelley's online Collage Workshop... I collaged yesterday about "oughts"... who I OUGHT to be, or who others think I ought to be, and so on. I want to scan the collage for you all, and share... hopefully soon. I also collaged/journaled about the baby thing... enlightening.

*Last night I watched Heroes, and OMW it ROCKED!!!!! Did any of the rest of you watch it? What did you think??? Is Hiro not just SO freaking hawt????? And Sylar... OMW... Sylar... *swoon* And Mohinder... *happy sigh* What did you all think of Peter's whole fixing/breaking the past/future thing? And Matt... how did he end up in the desert? Did I miss something? And who is the Nikki/Jessica look-alike girl?

Done

2008-09-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

Wow. Today was intensely productive.

I vacuumed and cleaned out the "kids corner" where the kids toys are stored for when friends bring their kiddos to my house. I shampooed it, so it no longer smells like cat urine... as much. *sigh*

I shampooed my office carpet about three million times in the hopes of getting out all of the mold. It's drying now, so we'll see how it works.

I made bagel sandwiches for James's breakfasts tomorrow and Monday, and my lunches whenever I feel the need, and froze them.

I made sausage biscuts for James's snacks this weekend, and a ton to freeze for snacks/lunches later on.

I made spaghetti for James's lunches tomorrow and Monday, and there's extra sauce so I can make some more for myself for Monday's lunch. I will be making mine with Angel hair though instead... mmmm.....

I played with my two kittens, Simba and Nala, who I need to post pics of. Currently they are our only cats, and I believe they are both male. Simba is ALL ABOUT the cuddle by the way, and has learned to paw at my skirt in order to be held.

And now, I'm off to Kim's house, where we will make spaghetti for US to eat lol and then watch movies or do something else that involves no physical effort from me... cuz I is exhausted.

Wow.

2008-09-17T14:46:00.001-07:00

That's all I can say to describe my life at the moment. Let me break it down to you in neat little bullet points:

*I started my period today. Another month of no babies. *sigh*

*The new job is sporadically busy. I spent the morning doing a little bit of work, looking unsuccessfully for more work, and then chatting with Jami and doing some Microsoft Excel tutorials from my library's website. I spent the afternoon with a crapload of suddenly-appearing work, and worked 20 minutes late.

*I have a love/hate relationship with being a temp. I love learning new skills and working with new programs. I hate being refered to as "the temp" and treated like I have terminal stupidity. I love meeting the new people... which reminds me:

*Today I did not eat alone. In happy news, that is because a coworker sat with me to chat. In unhappy news, I had to put down a REALLY good book to participate in the chat. In happy news, another person also looked for me at lunchtime to sit with me. (But didn't see me, because I was in a corner of the cafeteria.) It seems, much to my shock, that people are liking me in spite of my deeply anti-social tendencies.

*I have two extra-specially fun coworkers. One is my twin... she is cynical, and has a dark sense of humor and deep well of inner anger. She wants to be a foster mommy, and will be taking classes soon. The second one is a paranormal investigator, and a psychic. SHE ROCKS!!!

*I have decided that I am officially undecided about who to vote for in the presidential election at the moment. I need to head back to the websites and check out the candidates' current plans and promises (aka, lies.) I looked earlier today and was impressed by McCain's plan to get our country out of debt, and less than impressed by Obama's financial plans... Obama seems to want to spend a lot, and I consider that dangerous considering our government's current economic state (bailout after bailout...). Obama does, however, have plans for stopping tax breaks for companies relocating overseas, and reward companies that do keep their operations here. (Go Obama!!!!!) I notice that McCain seems to have no problem with companies relocating overseas, and I am deeply annoyed by that. Altogether though, McCain's plan to balance the budget by the end of his term is a bit unbeatable... and so, on the subject of the economy (and ONLY on the subject of the economy at this point) McCain is worthy of my thumbs-up. *giving a thumbs up*

What do YOU think about how our presidential candidates plan to treat our economy?

Here We Go... Again.

2008-09-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

Another round of wierd symptoms...

Another late period...

Another pregnancy test...

Another negative...

As the symptoms progress.

This time? Nausea. Very bad Friday (and crazy constant gas. WHILE I was at my new job. ), semi-bad yesterday, very bad today. It was really bad when I woke up, then got better... now it's worse again. My period should have started Friday morning.... and to top it of, someone heard that I was sick and started the "oh, you need to take a pregnancy test, blah blah blah..." Is it rude to tell relatives to please not mention that possibility? It just gets my hopes up, and we can see how that worked out last time.

*~*~*~*~ We now interupt this blog post to announce:*~*~*~*~*~

Somehow, in our insanely rainy summer, our office (the room that needed NO REPAIRS, no painting, nothing.) has sprung a leak. Not from the ceiling (I checked.) but around the window & air conditioner it looks like? It leaked somewhere around those, under the cabinet where I keep my art-in-progress, across the floor, for God knows how long, until today it was 2/3 of the way across the floor, and I felt water seep out from under the plastic floor mat beneath my computer desk. I was like "why is the carpet wet?" I stepped on the mat and noticed water squishing... farther across... moved artisitc creations and found... a mound. The water evidently went there, and either the wood underneath is buckling, or God-knows-what is growing under the carpet. Mold is growing on the top.

I need a drink. Or my hubby. Or prayer. Or just a good cry.

After one of those 4 has been supplied, I'll suck it up and make supper, dry out the carpet, move the art, find the leak, and so on and so forth.

So much for my nice relaxing weekend. *sigh*

A JOB!!!!!!!

2008-09-11T22:10:00.001-07:00

Well, I am officially employed again!!!! I have a "long-term temp" assignment, at a company about ten minutes from my house. I start tomorrow (actually, since it's 1AM, I start TODAY lol) and it pays only a little less than what I was making before.

So, rather than analyze the job, I'm just gonna jump in... see how it goes....

And now I need to get back to sleep. You know your anxiety is bad when it wakes you up before the Ny-Quil wears off! But that's okay... it's time for another dose!

I love NyQuil. *happy sigh*

If you're wondering:

2008-09-10T18:33:00.001-07:00

Where I've been:

I'm sick. My head feels like it's going to explode, my ears are so infected. My sinuses are infected too, and possibly my kidneys... basically, I'm miserable. Bleck.

How the job search is going:

Tammy V gave me AWESOMELY valueable help with my cover letter, and two applications have been sent to the college. I'm also registered with a temp agency, although... they had NO CLUE what to do with a clerical applicant. I think I'm missing some tests I really need to take, but maybe they will save those tests until they actually have a possible position for me. Very wierd.

How the job search is going to continue:

There is one more position to apply for at the college, and two local temp agencies (possibly three) to apply at. I'll check the local hospitals again, and the other 3 colleges near here. There are rumors that a couple of clinics are hiring... I'll check those out... and then resume my online search! Maybe I'll try the local schools too...

How my inner self is doing:

She is enjoying a new coffeemaker ($2 at a yard sale), time with her hubby, and nightly collages. She feels like life is telling her to slow down, but she's not sure how. She's reading a Trixie Belden book and feeling in touch with the Inner Child. She has a warm fuzzy blanket and blueberry tea, and those make her feel better.

The Cover Letter Of Doom

2008-09-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

Uggg... now we are at another process I hate in the interview realm... writing a cover letter. Anyone have advice for me?

The Job:

*Provides administrative support for community engagement activities & programs (family host programs, mentor programs)
*Keeps a data base of participants & schedules meetings; maintains contact list, schedules meetings, coordinates e-mails and phone calls regarding programs, types reports, maintains files *Provides administrative support for logistics of visiting scholars, delegations and students (arrange hotel rooms, apartments, airport pickups, maintains log of available drivers) *Maintains IAC calendar of events *Purchases office supplies & makes on-line payments as needed
*Provides administrative support for admissions process (print out application materials from Nolijweb, create folders, contact students about missing documents)
*Provide administrative support preparing Optical Practical Training applications.
*Other duties as assigned

Why they should pick me:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE learning about other cultures. I adore learning languages and am semi-obsessive about Spanish. I make people feel loved and comfortable, and make them laugh to ease their anxiety. If I were the person who the students met, they would feel like they always had someone they could trust, and who they could come to when problems arose. My office would be a place where students would come to visit me, receive advice, and get a good laugh. How do I know? College students love my house!!! Why wouldn't they love my office?!

And professionally? I KICK BUTT! I can type 68 words per minute, I am OCD and can organize ANYTHING (including bins of movies and baby clothing, if my stress level is high enough!) , I have enough pent-up energy to power a small country, I am a computer nerd and know a ton about all the Microsoft programs, and I LOVE to shop online, even for office supplies! I have received compliments about my professionalism on the phone, my speed and accuracy on the computer, and my overall work ethic.

WHO THE HECK would not love me and want me in their office?!

Oh yeah... the person reading my cover letter. *sarcastic laugh* Here is what I have at this point:

Dear Sir or Madam:

Please consider me for the Student Services Assistant position. I have a genuine love of other cultures, and will make international students feel welcome and comfortable on the ****** campus.

The skills I have learned through the past nine years of clerical work will make me an asset to your office. I have a typing speed of 68 words per minute, and will perform your clerical tasks quickly and efficiently. I learn new tasks rapidly, and take great pride in my work.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Janet S. Myers

Ugggg... how boring and completely lacking in personality. Anyone have suggestions for improvement?

Resumes and Rants

2008-09-07T20:25:00.000-07:00

The collage journey with Shelley is on the beginning of week 3, and I have to say I am loving this!!!! I skipped a few days after the layoff bombshell, for a variety of reasons including the obvious... but yesterday I was back on track.

Today's collage shows my inner need for direction... my life feels SO deeply out of control right now. I obsessively rearranged the movie bin at Walmart today. *sigh* People thought I was crazy, but in some small way I gave myself control over something. Which is good... since the best-laid plans, as usual, fell through. Today I planned to refresh my skills with the Microsoft programs in preparation for testing at the temp agencies this week... got seated at my computer, in my jammies, with my beverage and some crocheting... only to find out the that library's computer tutorials require a username and password. Crap.

I'm looking in several different directions for a new job. This week will be filled with job fairs, temp agencies, and probably a great deal of ranting and raving as I work on making a resume that doesn't suck. I HATE RESUMES!!!!!!!!!! They make me want to throw things... all the conflicting opinions about what a resume should be, and how to make them perfectly perfect, and blah blah blah.

My self-esteem has shatted this week. Trying on all my professional clothes has showed me just how far I've let myself go. Weight gain, hairy eyebrows, deathly palor, etc... tomorrow will also contain an eyebrow waxing session and some time in a tanning bed. I can't walk into an interview feeling this crappy about myself.

My collage also shows that my inner self realizes that I AM unique, I AM "spicey", and that THIS IS ALL OKAY. After a week of hearing how not-okay I am in order for friends to prepare me for the job market, I'm glad that the inner me has not listened to the messages.

I AM unique...

I DO "spice it up"...

Somewhere there is a Jana-shaped job waiting on me, the real me, to fill it... right? *nervous fidgeting*